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Fuzzy12 02-06-18 10:13 AM

The cost of mild-moderate adhd
I've got a job (or will have soon), I'm in a long term relationship, I've never been to prison and I've done all right academically and obtained a few degrees.

So I'm obviously not the most impaired person. I've got the basics covered.

It's still not great. It's still not good enough.

My main cost is personal fulfilment and growth. I can't live the way I'd like to live. I'm wasting my life away not doing anything of value. I can't pursue any leisure activities because I've got a never ending to do list. The fact that I spend hours, full days procrastinating doing anything on that list is a different matter. Even if I allowed myself time off (from stressing about my to-do list) I can't focus on things that bring me enjoyment. That's why quick and easy gains are so difficult to resist. Like food. It's not tough focussing on eating. I know I enjoy them because sometimes when condition are ideal, I get in the flow and then there's nothing better. I could enjoy them when I was medicated.

I can't even take care of my health because i don't have the agency to do so. I'm constantly stressed and miserable.

I don't even want to talk about meaningful relationships. The only meaningful relationship is with hubby and that's because he's persistent as hell.

These are just a few things. There's more. Like the constant u unpleasantness causes the emotional dysregulation, the shame and guilt, the very real cost to everyone in my family, etc.

What's your cost? Am I too greedy? Should I be happy and consider myself as normal because I don't struggle with the list I mentioned in the first paragraph (as the psychiatrist I first saw suggested). (Also, I do struggle with those things. I struggle hugely when working, my marriage is always on the rocks because I can't work on it and because hubby carries an unfair share of the responsibilities and it took me forever to get a few degrees.).

So anyway, what's your cost?

Fraser_0762 02-06-18 10:51 AM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
I've got no job, never been on a single date, have had spells in the cells, never got anywhere close to a degree, have no future prospects, poor general health and see absolutely no positive way forward.

How i'm still here is anybodies guess.

acdc01 02-06-18 10:09 PM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
Never married, only have 3 friends, career is not where it should be though people still consider me successful businesswise, high blood pressure.

I realize now I can only handle 2 of the 3 aspects of my life at a time (aspects being work, personal life, health) well enough to keep me happy. So I'm going to drop one - work. I'm doing that cause health and happiness should never be sacrificed and that's what happens when I try to do all three aspects.

Do you think dropping some things (whether that be whole aspects or just some tasks) can help make your life more manageable too? That and meds/therapy?

Little Missy 02-06-18 10:32 PM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
It cost me everything. Everything. Every single thing.

But, I am a survivor.

aeon 02-06-18 10:54 PM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd

Originally Posted by Little Missy (Post 1984671)
It cost me everything. Everything. Every single thing.

But, I am a survivor.

Right on, sister.

Get Busy Livin',

FlipperTheWhale 02-06-18 11:40 PM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
It has definitely cost me many options over the years. I did manage to get productive and graduate college. Got married and had a decent job. All the started falling away.
Now I am single, under employed and not much motivation to start over again.
I am in "enjoy and survive" mode. Not much ambition to make a mark.
I still keep some creative stuff going, so I can at least pretend I am of some use.
I try to take care of myself and enjoy the world around me.

sarahsweets 02-07-18 04:24 AM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
I have a degree that I have done nothing with, and for the first time I am considering going back to school which scares the sh*t out of me. I have three kids all with mental health issues like their mom (even though they arent a cost, I blame myself sometimes) I became an alcoholic and I cant seem to quit smoking.

kwalk 02-12-18 05:12 AM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
I go from moods where I am satisfied to moods where I’m not. I go through days or maybe one day where I’m doing good with relationships to where I’m not. basically feel like I’m not getting anything done usually, BUT when I start my business that involves my interest it will be SOMETHiNG. Movies make me interested in books most of the time, even if I never finish the books. I don’t know why but I’ve noticed atleast when I was in school that I was more motivated for fun side projects because it was more like a fresh mind and had my motor running. So taking a random class on interests sometimes might help you. I basically live for the good days and forget the bad days as they go by. Though when I have the bad days it feels like every day! It’s always been this way and I don’t know why I’m used to it lol. I’m so used to being bad with dating that I would kill to have relationship problems! I have more ideas with quirky things that help, but message me if you want to talk.

Tetrahedra 02-18-18 05:52 PM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
I'm really "behind" where I want to be in life. I've watched other people graduate and get jobs and start their families and everything like that. But here I am on the sidelines struggling to catch up, even though I'm just as intelligent as them. Sometimes it makes it worse: Why am I so smart but I can't function like a normal human being?

My ADHD was overlooked my entire life because of the stigma associated with mental health, as well as the fact that I can fake being normal really well. It's exhausting, and so many times I've wished that I could receive the support of someone with another physical or mental disorder, something where people actually recognize how tough it is.

For what it's worth, this is what I've discovered:

You really can't compare yourself to anyone else. I know, I know - it's trite, and most of us (NT and non-NT) have come to ignore it. But this is one of the absolute hardest things I've ever had to come to terms with, and some days I just can't agree to it myself. Society tells us that we should go to school, graduate with a degree, get a good job, start a family, etc., etc. in a certain pattern with very few deviations. Anyone who doesn't do this is doing it wrong, and there must be something wrong with them. But ultimately this pattern is just something that our society set up, and we are allowed to vary from it as we see fit because it's not inherently the "right" way to live life. For inspiration, I look to some of the people I know in life who began their careers in their 40s and 50s, and I see that they're really awesome people who I love being around. They're not "failures." They just took a different path.

Also, I have to take pride in the little things. It's really stupid, but I give myself a pat on the back every time I do a chore promptly (such as doing the dishes the same night that I made them dirty), and I give myself little rewards along the way. To some, it may seem childish and unnecessary, but to me, it keeps me going and it keeps me from falling behind on things that I should do on a daily basis.

I break my tasks and goals into chunks so that I can handle them. Let's say that one day I want to climb some big mountain in Europe. I don't just say that "Aww, man, I'm not climbing that mountain, so I'm failing. I'll never do it." Instead I keep track of the steps along the way: climbing a little mountain near my house, going on a hike that will help me build endurance, learning first aid and CPR, etc. I like self improvement. If I don't constantly work on being better, I become depressed. But self improvement doesn't mean that I have to do something big and dramatic - it can mean the little things, too.

ToneTone 02-19-18 08:58 PM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
My cost: ... I've never been able to have a good social life ... and be present at work ... and brush my teeth twice and day--and floss!

The last time I briefly dated a woman, my work performance totally deteriorated ... And I'm not talking about some high-conflict relationship ... Nor was it a relationship that consumed a lot of time (my ex was kinda distant and fickle) ... Apparently just thinking about the relationship wears down my brain.

Another cost ... These days I'm spending almost all my money on getting my teeth fixed ... I'm fighting to not lose my teeth.

Growing up I had terrible dental hygiene, which combined with the family genetics, was destined to create major problems ... My dentist says my teeth problems go way back and my good recent hygiene cannot undo decades of bad hygiene.

So I sometimes think, "Wow, wouldn't it have been great to have brushed and flossed regularly when I was younger?"

And the answer comes back, "Dude, with your ADHD and the way you hate tedious stuff, regular brushing and flossing just wasn't gonna happen."


Lunacie 02-19-18 09:53 PM

Re: The cost of mild-moderate adhd
Graduated high school.

No interest in college, combination of too much work for the grades, no interest
in social stuff, and undiagnosed sensory issues that affected me.

Worked at simple jobs like washing dishes in a restaurant.

Got pregnant and got married, in that order. Not a great relationship, he was
very intolerant of my "quirks". The only thing that got diagnosed before he died
was the asthma and the migraine disorder. The rest he just thought I was being

Had a kiddo, stay-at-home-mom. Started making costumes for Renaissance
Festivals and others wanted me to make them for them. Never managed to
turn it into a money making business, I don't seem to have the business gene.

I'm a stress eater and weighed 260 pounds by the time I was 40. Have not
lost a bit of it, and have gained a little more since my back got so painful that
I can't walk or stand. I see skinny people in wheelchairs and wonder why they
don't weigh as much as I do.

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