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psychopathetic 03-08-18 04:51 PM

How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Long story short...I'm part of an intense group that meets 3 times a week for 2 hour sessions. It only started a couple of months ago, but already there's been a "core" built. The members that show up everyday...and we've bonded quite well already and things have been going great.

But then we got a new guy on monday. And I just don't like him. I can go on and on about it...but he's just a very angry, loud, rude, scrappy guy.
My intuition is screaming loud and clear not to put any trust in him.
Plus he keeps patting me on the back like we're buddies or something...but I can't stand being touched...especially by men I don't like.

I'm not sure what to do? I don't want to bring it up in group in front of him...because once it's said, it can't be unsaid, and it'll just make the 2 of us REAL uncomfortable in the group from that point on.
Plus I'm having a real hard time determining if any of the other members are feeling the same way about it.

But I've just been sitting there in group this week...bored...quiet...and angry. There's all this tension, and this guy keeps blurting things out and he so often acts like he knows what he's talking about...when the words he speaks are way off. Or he keeps loudly giving examples of things he's been through...that have NOTHING to do with the topic we're talking about, and it's just like...wtf dude? :mad: :doh:Stop wasting our time man.

Maybe he'll stop coming on his own after another week or 2? Maybe not.
Maybe I'm way off about him and will grow to trust him/like him in the future?
Something's gotta happen though. I'm not sure I can remain committed to this group if something doesn't change.

I'm just mainly typing this all out to vent.

Any opinions though? Should I confront him about this? I'm not physically afraid of him or anything.
Should I go behind his back and ask the other members what they think of him? Should I be honest with them and let them know I don't like him a bit?
I think I'll talk to one of the people who run the group and see what they have to say.

...
haha, and I was going to keep this post short. :doh:
Well...so much for that idea! :lol:

midnightstar 03-08-18 05:15 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
From your description, I don't get a good feel about him. Maybe see what the people running the group think? (((((psycho))))) :grouphug:

Lunacie 03-08-18 05:34 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by psychopathetic (Post 1987952)
Long story short...I'm part of an intense group that meets 3 times a week for 2 hour sessions. It only started a couple of months ago, but already there's been a "core" built. The members that show up everyday...and we've bonded quite well already and things have been going great.

But then we got a new guy on monday. And I just don't like him. I can go on and on about it...but he's just a very angry, loud, rude, scrappy guy.
My intuition is screaming loud and clear not to put any trust in him.
Plus he keeps patting me on the back like we're buddies or something...but I can't stand being touched...especially by men I don't like.

I'm not sure what to do? I don't want to bring it up in group in front of him...because once it's said, it can't be unsaid, and it'll just make the 2 of us REAL uncomfortable in the group from that point on.
Plus I'm having a real hard time determining if any of the other members are feeling the same way about it.

But I've just been sitting there in group this week...bored...quiet...and angry. There's all this tension, and this guy keeps blurting things out and he so often acts like he knows what he's talking about...when the words he speaks are way off. Or he keeps loudly giving examples of things he's been through...that have NOTHING to do with the topic we're talking about, and it's just like...wtf dude? :mad: :doh:Stop wasting our time man.

Maybe he'll stop coming on his own after another week or 2? Maybe not.
Maybe I'm way off about him and will grow to trust him/like him in the future?
Something's gotta happen though. I'm not sure I can remain committed to this group if something doesn't change.

I'm just mainly typing this all out to vent.

Any opinions though? Should I confront him about this? I'm not physically afraid of him or anything.
Should I go behind his back and ask the other members what they think of him? Should I be honest with them and let them know I don't like him a bit?
I think I'll talk to one of the people who run the group and see what they have to say.

...
haha, and I was going to keep this post short. :doh:
Well...so much for that idea! :lol:


I'm sorry. I don't enjoy being around people like that in any situation, much
less a sensitive one like group therapy. :(

You have the right to not be touched. Or to be asked before being touched. :yes:

I think that's where I'd start in talking to the group facilitator about this.
I'd bet there are others who are not comfortable with unexpected touching,
even back-patting. (especially when it feels fake) :umm1:

I would also ask if the facilitator can do something to keep the discussions on
topic, as he seems to be trying to monopolize the discussion and one-up the
other speakers.

Psycho-:grouphug:

psychopathetic 03-08-18 05:42 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
HI MIDSY!!

Haven't seen you in a couple of days and it's nice to see ya! :)

(((Mids)))

aeon 03-08-18 05:54 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
I think a 12-gauge with bean-bag shells should get him to pipe down when he is running fast and loose.


Cheers,
Ian

Fuzzy12 03-08-18 06:07 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Oh no. I hope he leaves again...or changes though that is less likely and might take longer.

I think talking to one of the people who run the group is the best thing to do!!

Maybe he'll pipe down after a while? Maybe he's feeling insecure or awkward because he's new?

I struggle around people like that as well...whatever their motivation. I hope one of the group runners can help you...

psychopathetic 03-08-18 06:08 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aeon (Post 1987959)
I think a 12-gauge with bean-bag shells should get him to pipe down when he is running fast and loose.

haha...yeah, that'd probably take care of things in a hurry! :lol:

Kaia.S 03-08-18 06:09 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by psychopathetic (Post 1987952)
Should I confront him about this? I'm not physically afraid of him or anything.
Should I go behind his back and ask the other members what they think of him? Should I be honest with them and let them know I don't like him a bit?
I think I'll talk to one of the people who run the group and see what they have to say.

I would only confront him if he touches me, in a friendly way, like 'i don't feel comfortable with that'.

I know it's very tempting to get some gratification for your feelings, but i would not go behind his back talking to the other members about him. You might feel guilty over that afterwards, better keep your street clean. Just sit back and watch what happens. I sometimes try to makes these situations like a chapter of a movie or a game. It will take care of itself, to me it would be a good practise to not make it personal and stick to my own proces, keep the focus on the reason why i'm in this group: for me to get better quality in life, or something like that.

I think it's a good idea to trust it in person to one of the group leaders, maybe they might have some good suggestions on how to deal with your feelings towards this person. I think that would be a good way to go.

Good luck! X

Monox D. I-Fly 03-09-18 02:54 AM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by psychopathetic (Post 1987952)
Long story short...I'm part of an intense group that meets 3 times a week for 2 hour sessions. It only started a couple of months ago, but already there's been a "core" built. The members that show up everyday...and we've bonded quite well already and things have been going great.

But then we got a new guy on monday. And I just don't like him. I can go on and on about it...but he's just a very angry, loud, rude, scrappy guy.
My intuition is screaming loud and clear not to put any trust in him.
Plus he keeps patting me on the back like we're buddies or something...but I can't stand being touched...especially by men I don't like.

I'm not sure what to do? I don't want to bring it up in group in front of him...because once it's said, it can't be unsaid, and it'll just make the 2 of us REAL uncomfortable in the group from that point on.
Plus I'm having a real hard time determining if any of the other members are feeling the same way about it.

But I've just been sitting there in group this week...bored...quiet...and angry. There's all this tension, and this guy keeps blurting things out and he so often acts like he knows what he's talking about...when the words he speaks are way off. Or he keeps loudly giving examples of things he's been through...that have NOTHING to do with the topic we're talking about, and it's just like...wtf dude? :mad: :doh:Stop wasting our time man.

Maybe he'll stop coming on his own after another week or 2? Maybe not.
Maybe I'm way off about him and will grow to trust him/like him in the future?
Something's gotta happen though. I'm not sure I can remain committed to this group if something doesn't change.

I'm just mainly typing this all out to vent.

Any opinions though? Should I confront him about this? I'm not physically afraid of him or anything.
Should I go behind his back and ask the other members what they think of him? Should I be honest with them and let them know I don't like him a bit?
I think I'll talk to one of the people who run the group and see what they have to say.

...
haha, and I was going to keep this post short. :doh:
Well...so much for that idea! :lol:

To be honest, I can feel that guy, being disliked even in a community which is supposed to accept him. It reminds me to the time when I was removed from someone's friendlist in the Web of Loneliness.

allesandro1 03-09-18 03:38 AM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
It sounds like he's overcompensating. One thing I learned as a new therapist running a group for the very first time ws that if one person is think or feeling something , someone else is also feeling the same thing. People who overcompensate in group situations are used to being disliked, so they try to be liked, by being overly friendly, i.e. touching people when you don't know them, acting like a 'know it all' when in fact you don't know what the f--k they're talking about. All of these people over shoot the mark in their attempt to be liked and end up achieving exactly the opposite of what they want--they perpetuate a vicious circle of not being liked, trying too hard to be liked, and again being disliked.
Of course there is nothing you can do about him. But don't let him rent free space in your head. Try feeling sorry for him instead of disliking him.

psychopathetic 03-09-18 04:13 AM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Monox D. I-Fly (Post 1987987)
To be honest, I can feel that guy, being disliked even in a community which is supposed to accept him. It reminds me to the time when I was removed from someone's friendlist in the Web of Loneliness.

Quote:

Originally Posted by allesandro1 (Post 1987989)
It sounds like he's overcompensating. One thing I learned as a new therapist running a group for the very first time ws that if one person is think or feeling something , someone else is also feeling the same thing. People who overcompensate in group situations are used to being disliked, so they try to be liked, by being overly friendly, i.e. touching people when you don't know them, acting like a 'know it all' when in fact you don't know what the f--k they're talking about. All of these people over shoot the mark in their attempt to be liked and end up achieving exactly the opposite of what they want--they perpetuate a vicious circle of not being liked, trying too hard to be liked, and again being disliked.
Of course there is nothing you can do about him. But don't let him rent free space in your head. Try feeling sorry for him instead of disliking him.

Wow, this puts a whole new perspective on things for sure!
I'll give it some time and see how things develop...and I'll do so with a more open mind now, thinking that maybe he's not being rude, but rather he's just super nervous.

And thanks everyone for all the replies and for taking this serious lol. I felt kinda silly for asking this question as I was typing it, cause it seemed pretty petty. So I appreciate you guys not just brushing it off as being dumb. :o

(((((((Hugs)))))))

sarahsweets 03-09-18 05:09 AM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
The thing with people like that is, eventually others will see him in the same light. You cant be the only one annoyed by him.

Kaia.S 03-09-18 09:15 AM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by psychopathetic (Post 1987990)
Wow, this puts a whole new perspective on things for sure!
I'll give it some time and see how things develop...and I'll do so with a more open mind now, thinking that maybe he's not being rude, but rather he's just super nervous.

And thanks everyone for all the replies and for taking this serious lol. I felt kinda silly for asking this question as I was typing it, cause it seemed pretty petty. So I appreciate you guys not just brushing it off as being dumb. :o

(((((((Hugs)))))))

I think you're cutting yourself short. I love the way you speak your mind and same goes for your openness to look at things from different perspectives. It's always easier to give advice while you're not in the middel of things, but i for sure can relate to you being triggered by this and post it as a question. And now i want to hug you too :group hug:

Little Nut 03-09-18 12:23 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Hey Psych, I feel everything in that situation is not only extremely nuanced, but too complex for me to evaluate well enough to make specific comments. Would trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes give you insights on how to proceed? I'm just thinking this other guy isn't there because all is going well for him and he is just killing time. He is trying to work issues, isn't sure how to, and he joined the group for some help. OTOH if after some time, his actions continue to impair your ability to function in the group, you will need to address it. Whether one-on-one in private or an open group discussion on how to deal w/ interpersonal issues that impair the group's functioning will be your call at the time. The one thing that seems to me that would cause problems is trying to solve the problem of the other guy without involving the other guy up-front. (e.g. Talking to others about the other guy.) -LN

psychopathetic 03-09-18 01:20 PM

Re: How to handle a member I don't like in a therapy group?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Little Nut (Post 1988033)
Hey Psych, I feel everything in that situation is not only extremely nuanced, but too complex for me to evaluate well enough to make specific comments. Would trying to put yourself in the other persons shoes give you insights on how to proceed? I'm just thinking this other guy isn't there because all is going well for him and he is just killing time. He is trying to work issues, isn't sure how to, and he joined the group for some help. OTOH if after some time, his actions continue to impair your ability to function in the group, you will need to address it. Whether one-on-one in private or an open group discussion on how to deal w/ interpersonal issues that impair the group's functioning will be your call at the time. The one thing that seems to me that would cause problems is trying to solve the problem of the other guy without involving the other guy up-front. (e.g. Talking to others about the other guy.) -LN

Thanks a lot Little. and yes...putting myself in his shoes would help me out here.
I also forget and have to remember...that I've been in the mental health system (therapy and groups) since I was a kid. I've had many years of talk therapy and have been in some increadibly close groups who I've been able to really open up to about some seriously deep things I'd never open up to with anyone else.
So...doing groups like this and being open and honest and genuine...it just comes natural to me.
I don't know this guy's past and his history...but he's probably not quite as experienced as I am with this kind of stuff. He must be incredibly nervous and uncomfortable.
He also seems like the kind of guy who's come from a place where it hasn't been real safe to be an emotional kinda guy.

I'll give it another week...try to ease up on him and try to be more understanding.
If things are still bugging me, I'll talk to one of the people who run the group in private...see what they've got to say.

Thanks a lot guys!


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