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Old 11-16-04, 06:21 PM
Alynnstaff Alynnstaff is offline
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Hi at_wits_end:

I'm new to this forum too as my boyfriend is ADHD and it's becoming frustrating for me as well. I can completly relate to what you have described (except I tend to feel more just plain hurt rather than angry - and when angry I've just gone away somewhere to let myself deal with the anger - so, I guess I can't relate with the "blind rage" part).

As far as being extremely patient, I, too am like that. I've found that my extreme tolerance and patience goes beyond what is good for me and I find I end up "sacrificing" parts of myself to accomodate that "patience". My "patience limit" is pushed a lot, but I often don't let on. To me, I think being more than reasonably patient is an issue in itself - my own issue at that.

I hear you on the fact that it "seems" like our only option with our ADHD partners is to "accept/ignore" these behaviors. That is something that I struggle with as well. It's like I, being the non-adhd partner, am supposed to sacrifice my own needs of just getting a little bit of attention/affection from my partner or to having to ignore broken/forgotten promises over and over, to accomodate him. Meanwhile, it seems like he (I'll say he does try sometimes) can just sit back and "do nothing" about it. The actions just plain hurt. Although, I know it is not that way - as I said, he tries and, yes, it is a struggle for him - I do question myself if this is something I want to settle for (and yes, I do love him)?

It's hard.

I'm now trying to think of ways to enlighten my own life with my own interests. Makes me feel a little sad, though, because I would like to do things more with him that he and I can build on. How can two people build on something if the foundations are completely seperate and no bridge to connect them? Frustrating and saddens me. But I have my own life to think of as well, and it is only up to me to make it happier and more coloful.

As far as playing "parent" - I don't. I've left parenting of him to himself. (And, hey, you know what? I hate cleaning and doing laundry myself, so it's not so bad that he forgets about it too - at least I don't have anyone nagging ME about it...lol).

So, being in nearly the same boat, if you find something that works for you, DO TELL and I will do the same. It's the emotional/affectionate parts (or lack thereof) I have the most difficult time dealing with.

Sometimes it just makes me feel completely taken for granted.

I do understand what is happening and I know it is probably moreso a struggle for those with ADHD, but I still cannot help feeling how I feel. It is frustrating - especially the more you grow to love the person.

He has awesome qualities - he cares for nearly everyone and will help anyone out in a pinch (he's helped me A LOT) - but it's that lack of "definable" relationship attention (except for sex) the bothers me most because I cannot differentiate myself apart from the rest of the crowd in regards to importance to him. Sometimes I think that if I left him that it wouldn't bother him.

I know it doesn't answer any of your questions, but just know we're all in this together!

Sorry for being so long winded!

--Amy
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