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Old 07-27-17, 05:27 PM
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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part IV

I don't like my dad much...and he's a MAJOR source of stress in my life right now.

So I've pretty much cut him out of my life over the last month. I don't hang out with him or anything. I just don't like to! I go to his house just to sit there while he watches tv that I can't stand...and it bores me to freaking tears.
And I can't talk to him cause he either ignores me, or forgets everything I tell him.
And we have very little in common...not much of a connection.

But I do call him about everyday to check in, and he's going on and on about how he's not getting any help from anyone (by which he means me specifically), and he's always going on and on about poor, poor him.
And I do feel bad for him damn it. I do. He's in a horrible situation right now...and he's right...he has nobody there for him.
But at the same time that's his own damned fault! Just as it is my own damned fault I have no one myself!

I feel like he expects me to be some sort of hero and to walk into his life and fix everything. His bills, his house, all this paperwork he has to do for his very well paying job that he should be able to do on his f'ing own.
I was going to do so at one point...but damn it, I'm struggling just to get the basics done for myself...let alone take over so much responsibilities of other people.
Especially people I don't even like!

And it also sucks too cause my dad has really changed in some major positive ways since he had his open heart surgery...attitude wise. He's not as much of a depressed jerk as he has been for so many years.

So he expects me to be all up and fun and friendly with him and to celebrate his good moods with him.
But I'm not. Unfortunately for him...I think it's too late. He lost me years ago through all of his betrayals, back stabbings, lying, etc. etc. He's left me broken while I've little respect for him, very little trust in him, and not being able to rely on his words and promises. He's just not a man I like much. I don't like people who have gone so long treating me like they can't stand my existence and who I can't trust.
It further ****** me off that I keep trying to reach out to him to talk to him about my sadness with my mom...yet every single time I try to bring it up to him, he interrupts me to stop me, or he flat out ignores me...yet when HE needs to talk, he fully expects me to be there for HIM. **** that. **** you dad. I'm so done playing your stupid games.

...
I don't know.
I feel like **** for not helping my dad. He is in a VERY rough place right now. Unemployed, struggling with bills (of course it doesn't help that he's a freaking moron who's spent god only knows how many hundreds of dollars in the past 2 months at the f'ing casinos), and has no one to hang out with or talk to or to lean on for support.
I'm a bad son.

Yet he's been a bad dad in many ways to me. For my whole freaking life. And I've tried SOOOOO hard day after day to be good for the *** hole...but over the years have started to give up on the relationship. It's far too wishy washy and I started to discover several years ago that I just don't much like my dad. At a core level I don't like him.

Now that he needs me...it's like he expects me to be there for him...like he's completely clueless to how much of a piece of **** he's been to me over the years. He doesn't seem to understand why I'm backing away from him and not trying to be a better friend to him.
Maybe I need to sit down with him one of these days and explain it to him.
But I'm afraid it might crush him...and he's already so full of pain and sorrow right now. I don't mean to hurt him.

He hurts me.

I'm just kinda sick of him. My life is better when he's not actively in it.

I do need him though. I'd be in some very bad ways if I didn't have him to help me with food and letting me use his spare car.

...
Oh well. It is what it is. Besides, he and I are both super unhealthy right now lol...it's not like either of us likely will have to put up with each other for much longer anyhow haha. >.<'
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