Thread: Tables Turned
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Old 08-14-17, 05:03 AM
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Re: Tables Turned

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charliebrown View Post
Iím an older male just diagnosed with ADHD. Itís been a real eye opener, mostly in how Iíve treated my spouse of many years. I devasted her life. Sheís completely numb. She got to the point of hating me and resenting everything about me. This was a real kick in the gut to learn.
Is it just the adhd that caused this or are there other issues as well?
Quote:
But now we have the diagnosis and we have just started counseling. She says she wants to fix things and understands ADHD. She clearly wants to try and thatís great.
Being ready to fix things and healing is good, but it still doesnt quell the anger and hurt, at least not right away.

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But now the tables have ironically turned. My eyes are open to what Iíve done over the past years and now I yearn for my wife back. But now she is cold and distant. Weíve talked about this and she doesnít like that she feels that way, but healing the deep scars is a long process.
She loves you so of course she doesnt like feeling that way but you have to realize that its still her choice or rather, her "stuff" thats causing her to feel this way. Of course whatever happened with you over the years lead to it but you cant literally make someone be cold and distant, Its almost like self protection mode and she needs to feel secure again to let that go.

Quote:
Now I feel alone and unloved, with a wife who shows no affection and seems distant, and I donít feel like part her life. I have ADHD so my mind spins and spins and spins about this and I end up with great anxiety. I am trying so hard to make corrections in my behaviors and manage my ADHD as best I can. I am hiding all my anxiety and stress from her because she needs to see Iím working things out, which I am. But it is absolutely killing me not to see any kind of progress from her.
I can see why you feel this way. And I hope for her sake she is able to show love and affection for you soon. Regardless of whats happened, it takes a lot of work to deliberately not show affection and love for someone. It takes a lot of work to maintain a grudge or anger. Ruminating is very real for people with adhd, and its also a symptom of other mental health issues. I dont think its healthy to hide your fear and anxiety although I get why you feel you need to do this.

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We just started therapy. Time between weekly visits is an eternity. We are still so early in the process I feel like they have done nothing for us yet.
Why so much time between visits? And I think you need your own therapist, I know its tempting to try and work on everything as a couple but you need your own private objective person to work with, and you need to be able to say real, honest things without worrying it will upset your wife.

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I donít know how to manage this. A week feels like a year, progress seems so slow. I need to know sheís healing. I need to know sheís moving back to me, even if itís slowly. I desperately need signs that I can see even with my ADHD deficiencies. Iím going crazy with stress and anxiety over this. My brain keeps running and coming up with all kinds of unpleasant scenarios and I canít beat them down. Iím not eating or sleeping. I just want my spouse backÖ which is all she wanted for years, adding to my guilt.
None of this is healthy-for either of you. I think you should really see someone on your own, and she should too.
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