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Old 11-05-17, 03:56 AM
heythere999 heythere999 is offline
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Friendships are hard

I was once SUPER SUPER extroverted, constantly called "popular," etc.

However, within the past 15 or so months, I underwent some major changes: I had a fallout with a group of friends that I had for 3 years, I became officially openly gay (I never announced it on social media or anything, nor do I have anything that's even remotely gay on my bio or whatnot, but you can tell if you look through my profile for a little bit. Plus I came out to a bunch of ppl and told them you could tell anyone idc), AND I officially got diagnosed with severe Inattentive-type ADHD.

Lots of things changed:

-Used to smoke 1-3 hours a day; would bring friends over, too. Now, I no longer smoke.
-Used to drink 1-2 times a week. Now, I hate drinking. I only drink if it's a bday party and the bday person says "please, you have to drink it's my bday."
-Used to be totally codependent and didn't even drive. Now I drive 2.5 hours a day 5 days a week.
-I finally started taking care of myself; hygiene has improved a lot. I also used to have horrid taste in clothing and people would constantly make fun of how "middle-school-y" my clothes were. My hair was also atrocious because I was taking care of it the completely wrong way. I was also around 40 lbs heavier last year, and up to 60ish lbs. heavier 2-3 years ago. 70 lbs. heavier 4+ years ago.
I have also started eating a lot healthier. Aside from the day of drinking + day after, on regular days, I tell myself to avoid bread/rice/etc.

I did all this, because I no longer wanted to be seen as the funny fat guy who makes fun of himself and does stupid things (unfortunately not on purpose). I wanted to be respected. I wanted to attract people in my life that respect me. I also wanted to stop being so codependent because I had no faith that I was capable of correctly doing anything.

And now, my life has completely changed. My personality has also completely changed. I've had someone tell me "no offense, but when did you get really smart?"

And I'm also super busy now. Beforehand, I would put friends above everything else... I would constantly text people, a BUNCH of people. On holidays I would spend hours texting dozens of people, and I would actually think of genuine stuff to say to them rather than copy/paste. I would have friends over every weekend. I would try to hang out with people for most of my free time.

But as a result... I never really kept up with my life. Which is why I didn't drive, I didn't take care of myself well, I also didn't have any time to play video games or anything.

I've been super stressed lately because, well, I'm still adjusting to a lot of changes in my life, and I have a lot of things to do and take care of. I'm basically trying to catch up on being an adult, since I neglected taking care of myself for years (this also includes mentally taking care of myself). Because of this, I barely have time to see friends. 90% of time spent with friends in the past year have been "catch ups" because I haven't seen them in a billion years. The other 10% has been birthdays. And at this point people have to literally force me to go out, because if anything, going out on weekends adds more stress. Especially since I don't want to drink or smoke and that's almost everyone's idea of fun.

Because of this, a lot of friends have taken my general distancing from EVERYONE, very personally. And some have called me a "poopy" (more vulgar version) friend, because I don't text them or I barely hang out. Well, I don't have much actual "relaxation time," and you know what, I've barely played any video games for years, and I want to catch up! Maybe I want to clean my room (I'm still very messy and disorganized), maybe I want to take some time to relax and focus on my mental health, maybe I want to do HW, etc. Plus, I work. So it's demanding.

And the thing is, it's not that I don't care about any of my friends... if anything, it's the total opposite. I love so many people, and I love a lot of my friends. I remember years ago, my silly dream was to be so rich that I could have a private island where all my friends could live there and we could hang out and party every night (lol sounds like Gatsby pretty much. Except I actually know these ppl). But now that I'm ACTUALLY trying to play catch up and be a responsible adult... I can't be close with a billion people anymore.

Other issues I've had is that I have some friends that take issue with the fact that I've changed; I'm no longer the self-destructive, immature, lazy person I once was. And gossip no longer interests me or makes me feel good. I also really don't care for drama and I've had my fill for the rest of my life.

And lastly: even though friends have been supportive of me being gay, I can tell that a lot of them are embarrassed to, I guess publicly, be my friend. Because I'm "that gay guy." I don't have the "typical gay voice," in fact it can be very deep, but I do have an earring, and I did dye my hair, and I dress somewhat fashionably. I live in a pretty homophobic community, so makes sense. But it sucks.

Oh, and an interesting observation: I used to be known as a super funny guy. I would post the dumb things I'd do, ppl would laugh. People would praise my "self-deprecatory humor." Now? I CONSTANTLY get comments from people, whether it's professors, acquaintances, or friends, that "you're very mean to yourself." Which is funny because the way I talk to myself is exactly the same as it's always been.


I dunno man... basically this is all just word vomit, but man FRIENDSHIPS ARE HARD. Anyone else agree? Anyone else overwhelmed after making major life changes?
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