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Old 11-05-17, 10:35 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 
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and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

i miss him and the next six months will be a roller coaster. that always ends the same. he's dead.

i'm suicidal. still. again...persistently. i'm not planning. i've burned my plans last time i was in PHP. i'm actually semi looking forward to taking e to SF MOMA today.

but last night i was, just, distraught that i'm not dead but even more so that i was unable to cry. then i listened to a bunch of stuff i shouldn't be listening to in the dark of night when e is down and m is grading and i'm just sinking.

that damned devotchka song gets me every time.

then i woke up crying this morning. and i filled my daily allowance pill container with my five psych meds and wept through that. and then i wrote some stuff and cried some more.

and through it all i just think...why can't i be dead? i really ought to be dead by now.

i'm not going to do it right now. i just can't shake the feeling that i am not supposed to be here. and what if i'm unkillable as i've so often feared? what if they've formaldehyded me to the point where i will never be free? never have peace. because if i'm unkillable, then i'm forever alone. and never at rest.

i took my meds (my night meds) late the last two nights. i struggled to take my morning meds today. i want to not take them so i can talk to him again. i want to see him again and laugh with him and cry with him. i want to not be here and i'm pretty sure i shouldn't be.

i don't usually write these things so bluntly in places where people can respond because platitudes make me feel worse. maybe i do want to hear something though...though i don't know what. i'm stuck.

and when she wakes i'm going to find the wherewithal to keep running. because if i run fast enough maybe it won't catch me this time. maybe there won't be new plans drafted and new times rehearsed and on and on. there really can't be if i'm going to stay, and stay i must because she's small.

and i don't want to die today. i just feel like my time is running out and when it does, i'll be trapped forever.

anyway, as i said...i'm not planning, i'm trying not to ruminate. i just can't shake this feeling, so i'm going to try and outrun it today. again.

i wouldn't wish ill on another, but i know i'm not the only one for whom suicidal is just an underlying state that persists. if you're one of them, you're not the only one who's just going to do her/his best to get through today. and maybe not wake up crying and wondering how i can be not dead tomorrow.
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