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Old 11-06-17, 12:30 PM
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Andi Andi is offline
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

I have a question. In knowing him as well as you do, do you think this is what he wanted to leave you with? I more than understand the desire. Often can't shake it myself. That sense of relief, no more pain, sorrow...and as I often think about how easy it would be but then realize how I would ruin so many lives. Not that I'm THAT important but with every attempt, the anger that filled my love one's. How can I do this to them? How selfish can I be? As if my actions were an attempt to cause pain. They didn't get it. They don't get it but I understand why they feel how they do. There are times that I fear death. As much as I've ran to it, I find myself over the past few years trying to run from it as well. In getting how they feel I find myself living through nightmares and daymares of losing them. They feel so real. The pain feels real in these mind states and knowing that it would destroy me if anything happened to them...so how can I do it to them.

I remember when it happened...my birthday. The sheer pain and understanding you had for him. The relief he may have felt has crushed you and I don't think that's the legacy he wanted to leave for you. He loved, he loves and I'm most certain he never meant to cause you such pain. I wonder if it would be just as helpful if you created some type of memorial or some type of program or research funding in his name. Buy a star in his name...dunno. In my heart I feel there's some way that we can help you find comfort. You are loved...so damn much. I for one would be crushed to lose you. As a friend, as one of the most amazing people I've had the pleasure meeting. You have a beautiful heart and mind. Platitudes are painful...I get it but I feel driven to tell you just what you mean to the world and the pain you feel today would be shared by countless others if they were to lose you as well. Much love, many hugs and most of all...I hear you, I feel you and I more than understand where you are; I cry with you my friend...it's not my intent to make you feel guilty, not at all. I hope to shed light and perhaps hope. But as I have always said to you; I relate and you're not alone. :x:0
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