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Old 11-06-17, 10:16 PM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 
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Re: and so it begins, though really it's just never ending

you've all given me a lot to think about, and some of it's really hard to hear, but it's all appreciated.

i think it's unfair of me to make my suicidal feelings and thoughts so closely linked with esh. andi, no, he wouldn't want me to be so crushed. and i did do what i could to honour his wishes. i went through page after page contacting people to tell them things he couldn't tell them but wanted them to know. i wrote a letter to his mum even. and i was not on good terms with her.

but it's really not about him. it's just that when i'm feeling this way, i wish i had someone to talk to who understood in the ways that he did. and i know there are people here, and some understand more than others. and i know i'm not really alone, but i feel so isolated.

i live with two other people who absolutely adore me, but i could be in a roomful of people and feel utterly alone at times, too. and m...he just sat and hugged me today for a really long time. and i hug my girl and i just think they deserve better.

and i'm so tired. not fatigued or like physically tired, but kinda. i'm tired of having breatkthrough symptoms. i'm tired of the voices and the thoughts and the pictures in my head. and i'm tired of the meds and the therapy and the effort that feels futile.

and it existed...my diagnoses, long before him. but there was something different about him. he hid the really terrible parts like i did...like i still try to when i'm able. oftentimes less successfully, sometimes more.

i remember as a teenager thinking it impossible that i could reach twenty...then thirty...i've never been able to picture myself in the future and i still can't. i know it's probably what my psychiatrist would consider symptomatic, but i am so afraid that i've been rendered unkillable...and my unsuccessful attempts and the things i've done when unwell that have been truly graphic and bloody...kinda make it seem like either i really can't be killed because i'm already formaldehyded or that i'm already dead. and that scares the hell out of me.

and then there's my small girl. and i would do anything for her. and i've let myself be convinced that she would never be the same if i did it.and she would never be the same if she saw me cut myself open to try to remove the dead parts inside. so i just feel trapped. suffocating. it's like i'm on some type of life support ...or everyone thinks i'm in a coma and just lets me lie there even though inside i'm screaming for them to let me out.

i'll get through this. i have to. but i miss him because i feel like he had so much more to give and i have nothing and why am i here and he's not, you know? i'm so ******* tired and he ... but that's not true. he was exhausted. i saw it. i felt it. we couldn't keep each other afloat because that's not how it works...but when i'm feeling like the world, like existence, is some kinda of custom made clothing i'm putting on but it's made for someone else and it's too tight and too bright and it's giving me blisters...when i feel like this, i think about times when we played the games threads and listened to music and talked about other dimensions (i know...i know...) but it ...i want to see art and feel it again. i want to care that purple exists. i want to believe that i'm supposed to exist.

i feel like i'm going to start crying, so i'm going to wrap this up. i just want you all to know that *I* wouldn't be the same without this forum. and it's hard for me to open up about certain things and that's maybe what's missing...i know that since e has been born i just can't keep up appearances. not that i was exceptional at doing so beforehand, but i can't hide all of the crap about me i wish i could. and i sometimes just want to talk to someone who goes through what i go through. and i know some here do, and, andi, you are an incredible friend.

you are all amazing. and i appreciate you.

i saw this recently, and maybe if you replace anxiety and depression with ocd and psychosis, it'll make sense where i'm coming from to those who don't see it already: https://www.printfriendly.com/print?...GB-qvr_%7E_PcS
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aeon (11-06-17), Andi (11-07-17), Fuzzy12 (11-07-17), ginniebean (11-19-17), Lunacie (11-06-17), midnightstar (11-07-17), namazu (11-07-17), Stevuke79 (11-06-17)