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Old 11-10-17, 04:03 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: Do I need to label him?

You mention that you have attachment and codependency issues.

Well a key problem for people with those issues (and I'm in these categories as well) is inability to say no, inability to stand up for themselves, and a tendency towards people pleasing and rescuing.

At its extreme, people with these issues will try to understand (and quietly justify why someone mistreated them instead of firmly rejecting the abusive behavior.

Anger is the emotion that people typically call on to say no. Anger is what allows the little guy to finally stand up to the bully. Anger is what sends a parent to school to confront a teacher who is mistreating their child.

It's not the parent's job to figure out if the teacher has ADHD or had a difficult childhood. In fact, it would be parental malpractice to focus on the teacher's possible clinical issues to the detriment of their own anger at the teacher's actions that are hurting their child.

Similarly in a relationship, our job is not to diagnose the other person ... And if you have codependency issues, you certainly want to avoid that ...

You are a valuable person who deserves good treatment. If someone mistreated a friend of yours, you're not going to recommend that the friend diagnose the bad behavior. You're going to get angry and encourage the friend to stand up for themselves and get the heck out of the relationship.

The real issue is often that the codependent person is afraid to confront someone, afraid to defend themselves, and feel afraid feeling anger. But they use "forgiveness" and "generosity" to cover for that lack of willingness to stand up for themselves.

Your therapist isn't telling you to slash the guy's tires. She's trying to get you to value your life and time, and if someone "stole" valuable time and energy, it's totally appropriate (probably necessary) to get angry.

Tone
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