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Old 12-27-17, 07:06 AM
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Re: Miserable, alcoholic death

Looks like I'll be continuing to add to this thread.

Got a call last night. A friend of mine for about 2 years is dead. Met her through AA and tried to help her in a number of ways. She had a fancy high up government job, the husband, kids,house, two cars all the right stuff. She was either a chronic relapser or never actually got sober- not sure. I had to take her keys from her at a meeting once and have someone call her husband because she was in no shape to drive. I started out compassionate with her, and we became friends. Then I saw that she wasnt willing to take suggestions and that everything happened "to"her not because of her and she was always a victim. She was attention seeking. Any injury she ever had was trumped up into a colossal mess. The last time I talked to her on the phone I told her I had to distance myself from her because I was enabling her behavior by continually emotionally supporting her when she wouldnt do any work on her own to get sober. She had no consequences bad enough to make her stop.

She got demoted then out on medical leave at her job. Had rehab twice. She had major emergency spine surgery due to ( we believe) a drunk fall so she had access to pain killers and I dont believe she stopped drinking. I dont think she ever worked again since July. I didnt take her calls anymore, or respond to texts and I only talked to her at meetings when she showed up. I know that once, I met her husband, and I told him that until the pain is great enough she wouldnt change. Without consequences she wouldnt change.


Apparently she got another DUI and the husband made her leave. (I dont know how long, or if she was staying at her sisters house but my understanding was that it was recent)
She went home saturday, left notes and presents for her kids explaining how sorry she was about dissapointing them and killed herself.

In the AA world, suicide related to active alcoholism IS dying from alcoholism. The person's misery and inabillity to get sober is what causes the suicide. If you arent sober the choice to end your life can be made impulsively. Suicide from a sober person is often more deliberate and planned out.

I dont know yet how she did it-not that it matters.

I feel really bad. I am trying not to feel guilty. I know I only met her husband once so my advice to him about getting tough didnt directly influence him throwing her out but he probably heard it from others in AA or Al-Anon. Her poor husband.

I will not let myself go there to guilt street, and think that I somehow abandoned a friend. I must remember that if I stayed friends with her I would be caught up in her chaos and I would have been a part of her death-it just would have been slow and painful.

I have to let it go and know that I did what I could. I have been to more viewings in my sobriety from other alcoholic friends than I have in my whole life. I didnt know it would be this way.

I just have to put one foot in front of the other, remind myself that this friend could have been me if I hadnt stopped drinking. No guilt allowed Sweets-you did all you could.
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