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Old 12-28-17, 03:53 PM
ToneTone ToneTone is offline
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Re: First time poster seeking comfort/advice/whatever else you can offer

Be careful: being in the presence of someone (you moving to be near him, for example) does not mean the emotional-distance problem or the sporadic-communication problem goes away.

People get married every day of the week thinking that Oh, once we live together, my partner has to be present, my partner has to make time for me, my partner has to ... fill in the blank.

I dated a woman who lived 15 minutes away from me, and she would put up all kinds of blocks to getting together. Later, she admitted that she wasn't that into me. I also was married to a woman who had a deeply anxious attachment style. I naively figured that if we got married and I was around her hours and hours each day, her insecurities would have to go away. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

So yes, you can mention the ADHD hypothesis you have, but really you want to do that ... with no expectations.

You don't ever want to assume that treatment will solve a relationship problem. Treatment obviously can help people be better partners, but they have do to A LOT OF WORK in making themselves good relationship partners in addition to getting treatment.

I worry about your anxiousness about him disappearing for Christmas. Instead of anxiousness, I would say you have a right to be furiously angry ... That's a more appropriate feeling, it seems to me ... more in line with the severity of not contacting someone you're dating over a holiday.

But instead of being angry, you are hiding your disappointment from him ... and investigating treatments for him. It's his job to investigate treatments for his own life. And the only way he'll do that (in most cases) is if he knows you're unhappy and he decides he wants to save the relationship. Ironically, your restraint and hiding your feelings means he's not getting crucial feedback.

Why would he take action on treatment (that he hasn't taken on his own) if there's no sign that his girlfriend is unhappy?

Tone
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