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Old 12-29-17, 09:46 AM
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Re: First time poster seeking comfort/advice/whatever else you can offer

Tone-tone said it all! I should know better than to jump right to the armchair diagnosis, the OCD traits reminded me so much of my friend that I missed the usual red flags I would normally mention. LDR's are hard. Probably one of the toughest types of relationships to maintain in a healthy way. Once thing that popped into my head is when you do decide the time has come to live together- I urge you to move close to him but not live with him right away. You need to get used to seeing him on a daily basis without the pressure of living together. You need to be able to see what its like seeing each other regularly, waking up together-day-to-day stuff before you jump right to living with him. I say this because no matter how it is when you visit, its not the same thing as everyday. The last thing you want is to move in and get stuck, no matter how far fetched that seems. You will need a place to retreat to as he gets used to having you around all the time. And god knows what will happen if he suddenly begins to cling to you and the way you help him keep it together and then you might feel smothered. Has he ever visited you? I was thinking maybe he hasnt because of how routine oriented he is, or how uncomfortable he seems to get when he is out of his element. If he hasnt, that is a red flag. Regardless of what he says or needs, if he loves you and is able to love you in a healthy way, he should at the very least be curious about what Ms. Dorito's life is like on a daily basis. He should at the most, be aware of how you live and other parts of your life that are important to you- and I hope you do have other things important to you and not just him.

He does need to be an active participant in his own recovery. It doesnt matter how screwy the situation was with his parents, and how family stuff affects him- its not a healthy way to live. He needs to want to overcome these things himself. Does he see his situation in a negative or positive way? Is he comfortable with the retreat mentality? Does he like feeling this way? Is he so used to dealing with life this way that familiar is more important than healthy? Sometimes we get so used to dysfunction that "normal"is scary and we resist it.I had to learn that with my very early relationships when I picked the guys that treated me like crap because of the way I learned to be around men growing up. When I met my husband it felt so abnormal to be treated well that I was constantly picking fights and pushing him to see if he would split. It was like a test where i was always looking for the trap door. I needed therapy to realize that being treated well meant good, normal, healthy. And being treated like crap, property and a possession was bad-no matter how used to it I was.

He may turn out to be so set in his ways, he doesnt want to change. He has coped with life this way for so long, it would seem too scary and out of control to change. That's why I mentioned OCD first. Many people with OCD cling to unhealthy habits or rigid coping skills because they have held it together this way for so long. The idea of letting it all go is more scary than living in pain and fear.

I got sober five years ago and what I heard over and over again from other people that got sober while I struggled to was "when the pain gets great enough you will change" When the pain turns out to be worse than living the way I was I would change.
Also consequences helped. I dont mean punitive, I mean(for me) missing out on important events and outings because I valued alcohol more than milestones in life. I think you should be upset about Christmas, thats a s**tty thing to do, no matter the reason. Having you say that to him and sharing your feelings would be a "consequence" for him. Not seeing him the next time would be like a "consequence". Your feelings are just as valid as him no matter how understanding of a person you are.

Fuzzy is right, you are lovely and kind, compassionate, full of empathy. But nobody said that compassion and empathy are the key to happiness.
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SuperP (12-29-17), ToneTone (12-29-17)