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Old 02-09-18, 08:12 AM
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Re: my horrible addiction to smoking

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToneTone View Post
I can get why this note would make you feel down ... probably because it reminds you of all the times you thought you were smoking in an OK way and it turns out the smoke was bothering your son.

Your son is undoubtedly wonderful. Dude has some courage, and he really loves you to write a note like that. But even great sons are imperfect. There is a way that his note crossed your boundaries ... it's one thing to say, "I don't want to smell your smoke, ever! So please smoke outside." That's fine ... he's talking about his right to his own smoke-free space and air.

But then he crosses into managing you by saying that if you go outside, you'll realize how bad smoking is for you and all of that ... and he gives you tips about writing down how much you smoke, etc. That's all going beyond his boundary--toward fixing you ... and micro-managing how you think and act.

The problem with boundary-crossing criticism is that it can make the recipient of the criticism feel deeply ashamed, feel like crap. And it's easy to quit because you want to be good to him and be around to enjoy him than it is to quit because someone you love is mad at you. (Feeling the anger of people will love can easily throw us into more stress and more deeply into our addictions.)

I quit cigar smoking--and I had a major habit--12 years ago. Cigars, unbeknownst to a lot of people, have a ton of nicotine, so can be very addictive.

I took the advice of my dental hygienist and decided to use nicotine lozenges and gum instead of going cold turkey. (My dental folks got involved because they were worried about oral cancer, and they could see the stains and damage the cigar smoking was doing to my gums and teeth).

Well 12 years later, I'm still using nicotine lozenges and gum ... and my wonderful primary care doctor has ZERO problems with me being on nicotine gum. She thinks that nicotine gum is 95 percent better than smoking.

I really wouldn't worry about teaching and smoking ...You'd have a rough first few weeks and then you'd adjust to not having access to smoking during the day. A lot of people quit or reduced smoking after bars banned smoking, restaurants banned smoking, workplaces banned smoking.

Smokers adjusted ... and survived. They didn't have collective meltdowns or mass firings. In fact, the teaching could be a great shift in environment that makes it easier to quit.

Plenty of people quit smoking when jobs and bars banned smoking.

Good luck.

Tone
Tone- Thank you so much. You make some really awesome points. I think thats why I am so conflicted. I mean- he is almost 22, we fully support him he graduated with an associates and is moving into Rowan universtiy as a transfer for his BS. He has a paid internship so he covers his own gas and pocket money but we havent had the car insurance talk yet. He was working part-part time at Barnes and Noble and could barely scrape together 90$ a week so we would never ask him for money. But I think he is now guaranteed 24 hours a week @ 20$ an hour so we need him to contribute. He is getting financial aid and one small loan and my husband's job covers up to $14,000 Tuition a year for any school so the balance of that should be covered. Its just going to be room and board I think. So I meam technically we havent "paid for his education" but by busting his butt and keeping a good job his father essentially is; besides, I wasnt raised to believe college was a right and parents were required to pay for it all. If the economy hadnt crapped im 2008 and my husband hadnt been out of work for so long we would 100% be in a better position.
And I have three kids so dreams of them having their education paid in full are dreams- I cant afford three colleges and I refuse to take on debt myself.

Sorry to hijak-
I want to quit but Im afraid Ill drink. Am I kidding myself and making an excuse? I dont know. I do know that I have an addictive personality- other than responsible pain medication use- benzos are out, sleep meds are out, sedatives are out. No weed, illegal drugs but most importantly my substance of choice- NO alcohol. So Im afraid the lack of something addictive or...compulsive will send me into some spin. Then again maybe Im just telling myself this, after all i just celebrated 5 years sober, had two hand surgerys between September and November and four broken toes in December. And I havent given up.

I dont know.
I thought a compromise would be moving to the porch for now. Id have to wear a coat, its nearly outside- but I think jumping from to holing up in my lair to going outside sets me up for failure.
AHHHH. Any other insights ( with compassion please because I am ashamed) are welcome.
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