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I've felt the ADD characteristics timh listed all my life and never thought I was out of the ordinary or 'impaired.' NEVER. Nor did I ever feel special or smart. I just was. I always felt I was missing something.
I was invisible and never belonged, never got fully engaged with anything. And hated any kind of attention. I was lost until my mid-twenties when I switched from medicine to engineering.
OMG - computers, digital logic - ahhhhhhhhh.
Being able to see and CHANGE the big picture - especially with systems and finding holes in logic and interpreting specifications and all that gobbly-gook. I could recall conversations from years back and freak people out. Technical details - became a part of me. I was very good at what I did and I was rewarded.
But co-workers hated me and I was pretty much oblivious to them. I never made bridges to burn. I was impatient with people - they slowed me down. I felt secure financially and in my job and my matra was - you can hate me all you want, but you'll never be able to criticize my work. HA.
The reasons listed for a DX of ADHD - well...I was also never a people pleaser. That concept was foreign to me, which is why I've described myself as somewhat autistic - but I've come to learn Aspergers is a more appropriate approximation. I USED to be a walking people barometer - I could always tell when something was up, I could feel what other's were projecting. (Or I onto them?)
NOW, I can totally misread a situation, I mean completely. Circumstances have changed everything.
I feel really impaired and almost hopeless.
My impairments are these: no emotional control, I get so p***ed, that I start crying. Not good sobbing in the VP's office going, "it's ok I'm crying - I'm just frustrated and p**ssssssseedddd."
I found myself misinterpreting directions and making mistakes. Short term memory loss. Lack of focus on the tasks at hand - I end up chasing information and going off into the weeds. This scares the snot out of employers when you're new - especially at high specialist prices. I've lost my marbles. Then one job after the other. I found I couldn't remember the first part of a sentence I had just said, so how could I finish it?
That ol' spiral down the tubes...
Ok, I was depressed so I started anti-depressants. Then I felt angry with chronic indignation and so added a mood stabilizer. Eventually I had NO focus - an eggplant. Adderall brought me back to life. I've started to think that the various meds and doses caused a lot of these symptoms, along with menopause.
But what was the root cause of this slide into a quagmire of s***? A relentless series of life changing BAD events? My loss of status quo? Pressure from society? Menopause? Drugs? Spoiled brat having a 3 year hissy fit? Karma, from abusing my talents and strengths?
Did I diagnose myself and thus made myself 'sick?'
Sorry - I tend to 'journal' and I'm not even on close to the right thread...
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