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Old 03-05-14, 05:37 PM
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Re: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Sensitive to rejection, fearful of abandonment, easily wounded by teasing.

Yes, that describes me. The ďinternalizingĒ part, anyway.

Part of that is the diagnosed ADHD-PI and dysthymia. I suspect part of that is the yet-undiagnosed major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and sub-clinical borderline personality disorder.

I canít afford my meds right now. Life is a different flavor of hell without them. No wonder I used to ďself-medicate.Ē

I didnít ask to be physically abused when I was a child.
I didnít ask to be emotionally abused and invalidated when I was a child.
I didnít ask to be neglected and abandoned when I was a child.
I didnít ask to be sexually abused when I was a child.
I didnít ask to be drugged when I was a child.

I didnít even ask to be here to begin with, but here I am nonetheless.

I know I canít change the past, and I forgive those who treated me with less than respect for my being. My sense is they had a full plate of their own (untreated) disorders.

But that doesnít change the day-to-day challenge of being here now.

I donít mean to be dramatic (or mercurial, or sensitive), but Iíve got this schema that Iím ultimately worthless as a human being. When thatís the foundation I build upon, the architectures of my life arenít particularly livable or aesthetically pleasing, but theyíre all Iíve got, and I do the best I can.

Rejection-sensitive dysphoria...heh. It simply doesnít feel good to have my deepest fears validated, despite their irrationality.

In fact, sometimes I think I would be better off dead, but I know that doesnít make sense either, despite my desire to take flight and escape from my wide-eyed self.
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