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Old 01-03-19, 10:46 AM
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sarahsweets sarahsweets is offline
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Re: Attention: what is it? What are the subject and object of it?

I always wished that there were better ways of defining or labeling adhd and mental illness. My bipolar is as a result of something with my brain and it can affect my "mind" in that it affects my thoughts or actions but I do not feel it is "in my mind" as in mental. And Illness I always associated with being sick with a cold.. all the way to being sick with cancer. I certainly do not feel sick with bipolar. My adhd certainly gives me deficits with paying attention but I also have areas where I pay attention to much to the wrong things- which causes me to ruminate on the wrong things a lot of times. I have a disordered mind but its hard for me to see adhd as a disorder. More like a disability. Yet it is chronic and lifelong for me. There is treatment for both of these things but no real remission. I had long stretches of stability and then out of the blue my bipolar smacks me to remind me I still have it. Adhd is more pervasive. It seems to remind me everyday that I am not normal. That my mind does not operate like its supposed to. I take medication for both and I think the prospects of "remission" are more likely with bipolar. Even medicated for adhd it doesnt control all of the symptoms. There are some that just wont quit. Then there are side effects that come with the territory. Being on an antipsychotic for this long and being adhd have caused me to develop some mild dythskenisia. Which is embarassing because now I cant go to movies anymore because I truly cant sit still. If I go to an AA meeting and sit with someone that doesnt know me, I always tell them that I will drive them nuts moving around and fidegting so if they want to leave a chair between us It wont offend me. But I cant stop the bp meds because I would end up inpatient. Taking adderall has made certain things difficult. My BP is up, my heartrate is always slightly elevated, I get extreme levels of productivity- either really on point or nothing at all. I sweat more. I fidget despite the meds because of the bipolar meds. Sometimes I feel that its hopeless but mostly I accept it. I am a good person and try to be kind. Every now and then my tolerance tank is on empty and I get all fired up about everything. I know I am immature-or less mature than I should be. Both of these things have kept me from working.
I guess I didnt really answer anything but thanks for giving me pause to jog my memory to really think about these things.
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