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Old 05-08-18, 06:50 PM
Kajiwolf Kajiwolf is offline

Join Date: Mar 2018
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I'm having one of THOSE days...

I'm having one of those days

You know what I'm talking about.

The kind of day your symptoms flare up and **** you've been doing fine for weeks, maybe even months, suddenly becomes an impossible task. Worse, you upset someone. Doesn't matter who it is. It's because you forgot to do something or you "just can't seem to get it right." They yell at you or worse, don't say anything at all. You can sense the frustration a mile away.

You try your damndest to "get ahold of yourself", but you know that only makes the symptoms worse. Be damned. You try anyway. Inevitably you trip up again. You also seem to forget everything else or other things begin to slip through the cracks.

Your mad at yourself. You berate yourself. Then you spend all your energy trying NOT to berate yourself. You ignore the looks or the frustrations you've caused others.

But still it nags you.

Then you trip again and finally someone confronts you

"What is your problem?"
"You've done this 100 million times!"
"You've been doing great! What happened?!"

And what DO you say?

Cause you know your disorder is written off. Or worse, you could get your performance questioned or worse, end up under more scrutiny and judgement because your disorder is now perceived as a threat to future performance.

So you fish for words, they get angrier.

Then YOU get angry. It's hard enough you got to deal with your own inner voices, they are NOT helping.

Then you struggle with the thought you have NO idea when your symptoms might flare up again. You wish desperately to be normal. If you're on meds, now is about the time where you lament you need powerful medication just to function. And god forbid you talk to freely about that. And add in all the hoops you got to go through just to get through said medication, and god forbid your doctor thinks your some addict or some other jerk out there wants to question your meds or validity.

You're exhausted. You continue to trip up throughout the day. The thoughts are racing. In my case, I was grateful for sunglasses because they hid away my tears and frustration building up behind my eyes.

And isn't it funny on days like this, when you are out of sorts, everyone else feels the need to tell you what THEY need to cope? How "I need to be quiet" or I do XYZ...when all YOU need them to do is ease up a bit, maybe throw you a bone, BACK THE **** off, because the amount of criticism they are leveling at you is no where NEAR the level you are beating YOURSELF up inside...

Yeah one of THOSE days.

I have no idea how I made it through work.

But I did. Thank god for that.
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