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Old 10-05-11, 03:44 PM
Spirals Spirals is offline

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Crises of confidence at work - miserable.

I left university on a real high recently, on the rush of achieving well, and I recently took a job involving many and time-limited tasks. Many of these tasks are quite simple to do, and I am failing miserably. I continually make errors and forget information, in spite of continually trying as hard as I possibly can.

I made a serious error last week, which led to me having to declare my ADHD-PI to my employer (something I've never done before). This has its upsides and its downsides. They know I work hard and try to do things right, and at least now I appear less like the sort of person who deliberately makes mistakes, or simply can't be bothered.

The downside is that I feel that I am being treated as a disorder now, rather than as a person. My manager is a good person, but the way they communicate with me is destroying my confidence. They do not know a great deal about ADHD (not that I would expect them to), but seem to think that my attention is something I could focus as well as they do with a little more effort. I keep trying to explain that I am giving it my all, and cannot simply choose to focus consistently by willing it to be true...and I'm making so much effort that I'm beginning to live and breathe this job just to keep my head above water.

Anyway, nearly every day I am being criticized by this well-meaning person. At length. Some of these criticisms are for things I haven't actually done, although most are. Today, I was told that I am not very socially aware, do not pick up on things as others do, and that they're happy to give me a chance if I'm motivated, but that I should simply say goodbye if this is not the case. Some of these criticisms are quite stinging and painful, as I was bullied quite badly in school. I find myself wondering whether this person has simply said something to me that nobody else has had the courage to - whether I have no idea how others perceive me, and have only just heard the unvarnished truth.

I'm becoming depressed by this state of affairs, not least because I know I am falling short despite my best efforts. This has never happened to me before, and I don't want to lose my first job after uni. There is also very little work available anywhere else at the moment, and I can't afford to lose my job.

So I'll be going to the doctors tomorrow to resume my medication and hopefully, to get an increase in the dosage.

Has anyone else had this happen to them? How did you deal with it? I feel anxious, depressed, and somewhat hopeless. Thanks.
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