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Old 05-06-17, 05:42 AM
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Re: help;ADD self medicating w/ methadone

Originally Posted by Copenhagen View Post
First off, Thank you so much for replying Sarahsweets!

I did not go to the appointment I had scheduled. On my way there I had an anxiety attack had to pull over. By the time I composed my self it was way past time. I was planning on telling the doctor everything: drugs, extreme stress, and debilitating depression that I have been experiencing these last almost 3 months now and ask if I could get a referral to a psychiatrist to have there opinion. I have no delusions about being an addict(I know I am). I've abused opiates for a long time, there was a time when I got in trouble with the law. I had to go to jail for a month, at the time I was in collage.
Do you want to be an active addict or an addict in recovery?

Being so nerviest about failing a ua and going back to jail I told the probation officer I was taking methadone( they don't even test for it. Great, I just shot my self In the foot). he then made me go get a drug evaluation. I had to do out patient treatment start out group three times a week. Before I got into treatment my probation officer saw me talking and walking into a store with my "partner n' crime"(that's what PO called it) next time I saw my probation officer I didn't get to say or explain anything he just handcuffed me and took me to jail and gave me a violation. I was in there for 5 day. I missed two of the required labs you have to do for chemistry. First day back to chemistry class teacher tells me, "I don't know why your here. While you were on your little vacation we had two labs, you cant make them up so you basically already failed my class for this semester"(she said that first thing in front of the whole class. She didn't even know why I couldn't make it to class). That was the last day I went to collage.
Honesty was still a good thing. If they test for opiates, then methadone would show up. I sorry about college. You should consider going back.

In the recovery I was clean through all of it. Good right, except for I never did anything; stopped seeing all my friends, Never pursued a job, didn't try going back to collage. After probation and recovery I was clean for a bit. Then I started really really really needing a job, I started drinking to deal with the stress. I got a job from a friend that started his own business. I didn't have to deal with many people or think to hard with this job and I was basically by my self working majority of the time. Sh**ty parts were I was working under the table and was barely making enough to pay bills.
Being clean is different from being sober, what tools did you use for maintaining sobriety.? IME people that are clean but miserable do not have the proper coping skills to stay sober. They are just white knuckling it until they end up relapsing. If you never learned how to cope without drugs and alcohol then its easy to slip back into it. Many drugs addicts will think that drinking is ok cause they had a drug problem, but its so easy to choose drugs again once you drink.

My problem is when I'm clean I lack focus and the ability to communicate to others. Especially when I have to tell people how I feel and whats really going on in my life. I'm a guy and its painfully hard for me to show weakness to anyone...
I get this but you have to learn a way to work within your own life.

I fear that this is going to turn out the same way as before. Not to mention Ill become a gunny pig again and have to go through the tortures of trial and error. The shame and judgments that they'll think "oh he's just an addict and drug seeking, His drug use is whats causing all of this."
You will have to deal with trial and error but thats because you have so many issues to deal with its hard to get them all straight.

When I was in k-12 school I remember being tested a few times growning up. I also remember them and my mom asking me if I wanted to try something that would help me in school. At the time being a kid and already feeling different cuz I was in special ed, I didn't want to validated the thought of being different and then having to take medication everyday. My question is 'is there any way I can look up or get proof that I was in special ed along with the IQ and the psychiatric test that they did at school? I think I might need them.
You can ask your parents if they have any records or report cards about any school evals.

Also I understand I'm now making it sound like this is my cure all for me. And some people will think im building it up like when your dating a girl and you "kind of like her". Then lets say she breaks up with you then you like her even more, you might even say your in love with her. When the fact is your in love with the idea of her

And who even knows if anything will even work... I'm just so stressed out, it makes everything hard. Everything sounds like a bad Idea to me. Job wise, I'm tired of being a tool for someone else to make easy money off of, while I struggle day to day and only have a $30k vehicle to show for it. I cant help but be negative. I'm the type of person that everyone comes to for help. I fix everyone else's problems, but I have no one I can turn to for help. I know they don't even know this side of me... I appear that I've got it all together it can't be further from the truth, I fantasize about my own death daily now. I mean we all gotta die some time right, why not just hit that fast forward button and get to the end of the story..

They say theres two types of people. there's hammers and there's nails, I must be the rare third type.. the board. nails are driven in to me and occasionally the hammer smacks the **** outa me

I'm not sure how much of this incoherent rambling is going to make sense to anyone. Not to mention who is even gunna give a **** to read it and reply. sry
I dont know if you are looking for a cure all but you have to learn how to cope sober before you worry about trying medicine again. Do you do the 12 step thing?
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