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Old 12-02-17, 11:48 PM
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Re: On a dating downer again

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fraser_0762 View Post
Myself isn't attractive. Myself is the guy that should be ignored and avoided.
Whatever we think of ourselves, we are always acting on a biassed selection of the total facts about our selves. Other people do it too- to both themselves and us.
However it is possible to look at all the facts and chose a more positive cluster of them to represent your "self'. Hence the statement "Its never too late to have a happy childhood- an unbiassed memory will bring back many positive points about the past and then you can draw a new line of best fit.

The neurologist Antonio Damasio commented that the reason for having a self is that it allows us to construct a narrative that helps to remind us of what we are doing, what shopping we need to do for dinner.

Thats a very fluid way of thinking about the ego or self- but if your self is constructing a world in which you are likely to remain isolated and unhappy, then maybe start constructing a new one? A hell of a lot depends on whether we are properly relaxed- as most of our ability to engage well depends on having a nervous system in a state of balance. Everyone knows when someone is faking being friendly or relaxed, and it just makes for awkward interactions.

On a couple of threads I have started this week I have been talking about the effect of an overactive stress response in ADHD- and referencing some work by a US osteopath. Now I don't have a great problem socialising, but sometimes it can be hard to get going. My work requires me to be very observant of the states of people who have come to see me- so I am becoming much better at reading body language and understand very well the body language that arises from a balanced state of relaxation.

I also understand clearly the physical signs that i am not relaxed.

Now the reason i mentioned that thread on mechanisms behind ADHD was this:
The mechanism is a physical one that creates a higher and higher stress state to see that enough blood gets uphill to the brain. While I was aware of some of the symptoms (cold fingers, a fast heart rate, breaking out in a sweat easily, feeling restless and fidgety)-- I was not aware of the effect it was having on my socialising (except that my partner commented that my voice was flat and expressionless.

I solved the problem of the stress response in myself in the last 10 days, and the first thing I noticed once I got out of the house was that socialising was easier. Of note one younger barmaid engaged remarkably well with me- good eye contact, very expressive, lots of little microexpressions that indicated she was at ease. Not that I was flirting- but just that the interaction seemed to be going for me more the way they do for "normal people". Seeing the shift, and being objectively aware of it was a useful experience.

On a slightly different note- most useful advice Ive ever received about dating (or just chatting to women I find attractive without intending to date) is too keep the attention on the other person. Ask questions, look for opening and chances to make positive comments.
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