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Old 05-21-18, 09:47 AM
The D The D is offline
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Location: MN
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Tired of Everything

It looks like I am going to be going through a divorce soon. One that I initiated but still, it's devastating to me because we have a 12 year old daughter. I feel guilty for deciding to try and do something for myself for a change. In addition, I'm having all sorts of self-doubt as well, I think because I've learned I can't trust my feelings to guide me.

The bottom-line is that all I want to do ever, is nothing. I'm diagnosed "Combined Type" and have always struggled with this, even since I was a kid. I don't want to do anything, even things I enjoy. I want zero responsibilities in life, and all I want to do is shutdown. It's a miserable existence frankly. I'd rather not be alive at all but I'm too chicken-**** to do anything about it, but also would never do that to my daughter. I feel trapped in this existence and just frankly hope for some disease or something to take me away.

I just truly find no joy in living and have tried everything. Every medication you can think of. Psychiatrists. Been in therapy on and off since I was 15. The last time I was in therapy it made things even worse since I have a tendency to be in my head all the time, therapy just made me think and worry even more.

The irony of it is I'm financially successful, and outwardly appearing successful. Nice house, nice car, money in the bank, etc. All for naught. The stress of maintaining that wears me out also.

I don't know if this is what they call "hypomania", the never wanting to do anything, or co-morbid depression? I'm not sure. I know that I am not sure I can hold on much longer, and am afraid if I can't what it means to my future, and my daughter's future. I am so tired of living a life with no joy, and no desire to do anything at all. My own daughter always wants to do a tickle fight with me, and she's revealed why before, because she wants to see her dad laugh. How sad is that? Nice I get to have my **** life ruin the lives of those I love around me too.

How is it that I can't even get activation for things I like?

I know there are no answers, and no one can help. I guess I just needed to vent on this because I know there are others who probably feel somewhat the same.
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