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Old 02-25-19, 02:29 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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figuring out self abandonment and my true self

a while ago on the boards I said "*this* is me"

I was wrong, *this* is the vicious cycle. it's very difficult to explain, however, say, if I said something like "this is, this is my, this is...whatever"

"this" is the entrenchment and the defense mechanism, kind of a portal through which the qualities of my mother spews forth.

cause in object relations theory, "this" is the first "object", my mother. eerytime I use "this" instead of "I" I hurt my own ego, or myself and become more like her. and that stops today.

so... I want to relate a scenerio that just happened in my life cause, no idea why, it was a transformation experience (or a good first step).

I have blue cross blue shield as my insurance provider and I'm going to the docs tomorrow, however the *card* was old(just replaying it in my mind now and noticing these things myself) . I said to my mom "this is an old blue/cross/shield card, you(mom) can have this back"

I then called bluecross/blue shield to order in my card, instead of saying on the phone "ya this is drogheda(well my name) I said " ya I'm (my name)"

and it's weird, I feel more present just from the exchange that I described above. now it's time to start telling her (I would say talk with however, bounderies, in the past all I wanted was a conversation with her, and I don't think that's going to happen, try as I might, I've never been able to talk with her about anything) that the way she commands me, like a dog, is just no good. with my relativly immature super ego, it's time I started taking charge of my life, doing what my therapist told me (to go through them) and really figure out these emotions that I have been denied so long.

I'll ask my dad and mom sometimes "how are you feeling", thats the pain and that's really me asking myself, I never get reciprocated by them. how am I feeling (well the super ego statment in my head, the cart before the rider so to speak). I've tried to repair the relationship with them over and over, it just doesn't work and I don't want to be a slave to them anylonger.

I guess what I'm saying is, it's I start taking charge of my life and to honestly self reflect for myself(it's odd saying talking to my own superego in my head, figuring out what "you's I don't agree with and then forgiving myself"
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