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Old 03-01-19, 11:22 AM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: figuring out self abandonment and my true self


I'm starting to think that the defense mechanism is more on the neurotic side. my sister I know has bpd, I believe my brother has more narcissistic while my defense is more neurotic. and that fits the golden child, ghost child and scapegoat narrative (first child my bro, second myself and sis, and third my sister), and I just did a quick search on google and I think I'm right

I tend to blame myself way more (don't beat yourself up is a catchphrasesI have to remind myself of) cause I don't want to hurt others at all even if a judgment is merreted, so the judgment is often internalized (so I have to catch myself doing that so someone elses worry doesn't become my own) and then, heh, parent myself (you are ok self, it's not you it's them, I think I have moved through them enough that them = other people and things(university), like in my mind I say "go through them, I'll get a job through the university)

I just looked up a bunch of neurotic people talking(well, for the past while) and I get it and see myself doing similar.

like, you know this guy and he is pretty cool and all but when he does stuff he is prey fragile sometimes, I mean, he is like more ingrained in whats going but you know, this dude is like way more open to experience and wants to go ahead with his life but stumbles a bit at times, I don't know why(ya I do). when I say this and then "you" it's more of a mirror to myself but, not all the time), and I don't know if the mirror is more directed at me (if I absorbed part of the "object which would be more of the waining of the oedepus complex" and I just looked up "The Oedipus complex is considered to be the nucleus of neurosis" and.. ehh that's horribly embarrassing to admit, but thats what the forums for, healing) or her , mother". the problem is ADHD and object loss, if I don't have an object per say, or anyone with adhd, we are screwed. I tried going a months or without saying *this* and I started to almost become a bit pshychotic(pshychosis) which is the one foot in chaos one foot in order of the neurotic/creative person or self. so currently I tend to use "this" in reference to real objects in the outside world objects(guitar, camera, phone etc...) and try to be particular objective and with the workings of the objects.... and I'm wondering now ( brother.... guitar (I picked up the guitar from my brother) camera ( I picked up the camera, somewhat of a phobia actually from childhood) from my mother) and sister..... lol I even have 5 lenses and their are 5 people in my family so, that would be the family cluster I'm thinking like I'm thinking cause I didn't talk to them much growing up or they just didn't really see me(my dad did, with his faults he is the one that actually shows me unconditional love which fits the model in the video, even though I disagree (tears)with my bio father on most everything he provides and is always their even though I don't think he understands a lot of the personal stuff, he is still there for me. even though he nitpicks on small **** and sometimes drives me up the wall, he is there. this is why being smart isn't important in terms of relationships and letting go of defenses like my therapist said is essential, cause if I were to judge my bio father on his smartness, I would of missed that.

anyway, in therapy I think myself and the therapist are on the transference (or I'm doing that right now, in anycase) cause right now I really am starting to see the defense mechanism for what it is, and I feel better just righting all of this., unpacking all the inner stuff in a somewhat linear fashion to conceptualize and later on compartmentalize (been a while sense I have done this)to the memories so they aren't just fragmented in my head, feel the emotion (like I'm doing right now, and it's really positive) and then, ehh, name the memory. it sounds odd but it works really well

man that's a tactic that my therapist and I did a long time ago and I haven't done sense. I think thats the reason why you(tur) said to journal
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