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Old 05-19-17, 03:19 AM
peripatetic peripatetic is offline
 
 

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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part III

i'm definitely been on the decline. i can add up this pattern of behavior over the last week and it's not a good picture. i canceled my therapy appointment tomorrow to avoid questions i don't want to answer. i have to confess to my partner that i'm not ok and that i have been doing things that could land me IP. and i feel like, i know i'm weird. i'm torn. but i keep having these dreams and i keep thinking morbid things and i'm starting to self isolate and ...just let people fade or be short with them so they'll stop reaching out.

i saw a portal today. which i know is because i had this realisation last week that my one medication ended up adjusted lower but i think maybe it wasn't the best plan, despite my pushing for it, and then i decided to save up, because i only get two weeks at a time, and in order to try and go back up to 350 from 300 i would have to skimp for a bit. but then i think skimping is having some effect and i also realise that the way titration works with clozari you can't go down and then go up by more than, like, 25mg. so basically i've just been reducing my meds to no avail.

and i'm just engaging in behavior that sounds bad if i were to type it, but it's like i just float toward it.

i'm going to be fine though, i'm sure. i don't know how or when or what's going to happen in the meantime, but i have a small girl and if nothing else, my desire to be with her is stronger than anything.

anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble. i have not passed a point of no return, not crossed the event horizon, but i've been tiptoeing along that edge and not really paying attention to it until i totally ******* lied and said i'm not having morbid thoughts and i've not reviewed or practiced and got my husband out of the house. it was like desperation to clear my head. i don't know why, but far more disturbing than the thinking and doing things is that i got away with it. and now i have to confess and what if he never trusts me again or what if he will not be deterred and insists i call my care team. i don't know that i won't get defensive. but at least i took all of my meds so if he asks i can hopefully keep calm and just say yes i took them, all of them, without getting aggressively defensive about being questioned.

but then, i deserve to be questioned, on some level. but my plan wasn't to discontinue. it makes sense if you're in my head. to save up some, squirrel fifty away here and there in order to then see if it just needs increased back to where it was because the zyprexa got re added and that's why it was dropped down. well, and at my pleading request. but i feel like....maybe it was a mistake to insist and if i can fix myself then i can go to my psychiatrist and admit i was maybe wrong to insist on tapering down as far as possible and i should maybe go back up. but i want to fix it first.

****, i'm so tired. i should be though, i mean, i just took 200 mg along with my ativan. i can feel tightness in my chest from the anxiety lessening, and i haven't had graphic intrusive images today and that works in my favour at the moment, but then peace feels almost too good and most definitely undeserved.

anyway...i'm going to poke around and then fall asleep. thank you all for you kind wishes.xx
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Fuzzy12 (05-19-17), Lunacie (05-19-17), psychopathetic (05-19-17), Simargl (05-19-17), stef (05-19-17), Unmanagable (05-19-17)