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Old 06-27-11, 08:24 AM
CaptainCadet CaptainCadet is offline
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SOOOO...I just realized my appointment is TOMORROW?!?!?!?

Time flies. I didn't think I'd make it this long without losing my sanity, but here I am. Finally...tomorrow I will go discuss the results of my ADHD evaluation (almost TWO MONTHS after I got the darn things) with my pdoc.

The anxiety is killing me. For more reason than one!

First...I ran out of my prozac a few days ago. I kept meaning to call it in...call it in...call it in...well I called it in the day after I ran out lol. Then I went to pick it up but oh the pharmacy was closed.

So now...I'm just out. I have to find a way to get to the pharmacy without being tagged along by other people...and I don't have a drivers license yet (just a permit) so...have to rely on someone else to get there blah blah. No one knows I'm on medication...and I want it to stay that way. That's why this is so hard, and why it's so bad that I kept putting off getting that refill called in. Argh.

But...that's really the least of my concerns right now. My pdoc is an hour away... the appointment is TOMORROW ... I have to figure out how to GET there without telling anyone WHY I'm going.

Man. This sure is complicated.

And I just realized I still haven't applied to the college I'm trying to transfer to. Hummm....plus I still don't have a job...or any money...so moving is going to be interesting. I wonder if they'll let me take out a loan without credit. Maybe I could convince my parents to co-sign the loan...I mean I should be able to pay it back relatively easily...and soon...once my financial aid kicks in. Plus I'm going to get a job once I move...okay but I'm really drifting off topic now.

My pdoc hasn't requested that I write up why I think I have ADHD or anything, but I think it would be a good idea. I've been trying to do this for quite some time (man some of the original advice I got here was to write down my thoughts and then take it in...and I *still* haven't managed to finish that.) I tried making some blogs with my thoughts at the time whenever my mind went into rant-mode, so that I could hopefully come back and organize it later...but you know what? I can't really seem to bring myself to go about trying to organize all that...there's just tooooo much stuff.

So I'm probably going to start over...but I have to get this done today! The appointment is TOMORROW...eek! How am I going to get a ride there...you know I might be able to convince a friend to take me...my friends know about my going to the pdoc and all, but they only know about the OCD--which I've decided I don't think I have. One of my friends has ADHD, and another one has kinda hinted at me having it...but...I just can't really bring myself to discuss it with them. I get too anxious and I start to freak out. I keep thinking...what if I don't have ADHD? What if I seem like the polar opposite of ADHD to them and they laugh at me for even suggesting the possibility?

Okay...so that's really neurotic thinking...but...um...still it's too much anxiety for me to deal with. If I wasn't anonymous here I wouldn't be able to talk about any of this. I can barely talk about it to my pdoc. I felt stupid going into the ADHD place to get evaluated even...how can someone who gets good grades have ADHD? I mean I know there are people with ADHD who have PhDs and stuff, but...I dunno.

I'm totally rambling right now. I apologize, but if I don't get this out I'm going to EXPLODE!! Plus I'm not trying to offend anyone, I really hope I don't. But it's just...I look at myself and I say how could I possibly have ADHD? What if I am subconsciously FAKING it? I know that too sounds neurotic...okay it's totally crazy. That's insane. Isn't it? I'd have to have subconsciously faked it for as long as I can remember. But it's just hard to imagine that there is really something wrong with me.

Gah. Maybe this is why I have a hard time writing this stupid document out on why I think I have ADHD. I'm too all over the place with whether I think I have it or not.

I mean...how many projects have I finished? 0? Well no that's not true...I've finished a few that only took a few hours. How many projects have I worked on longer than a few hours? Maybe 3? Did I finish any of those? No. Did I finish any of the other 100-or so projects I've started? No. Do I beat myself up about it all the time? YES.

I look at my projects folder...I have so much I want to do. I just can't seem to get them done. Why can't I do these stupid projects. I just look at it and I think...why would this be indicative of ADHD instead of just I'm lazy? If I wasn't lazy...I could get these things done. But I know...people with ADHD get called lazy..it's hard to tell the difference sometimes. But that doesn't mean there aren't lazy people...I could still just be a lazy person.

I don't see why not. I enjoy doing the project when I start it...and I make progress. Then I quit enjoying it...and I quit making progress. Surely, I should be able to keep working on it regardless if I am enjoying it right then. It just...it looks like laziness. But maybe it's not laziness...I don't know.

But okay...there are other symptoms of ADHD. Impulsiveness for example..I've always thought I was a pretty impulsive person. When I was growing up my parents used to constantly tell me to think before I spoke, and I'd always ask them...how can I do that? They thought I was being a smartass, but really...I still don't know how I can do that some of the time. Words just COME OUT. But maybe that's not being impulsive, or maybe it's impulsive...and maybe that's just a character trait -- with nothing to do with ADHD.

What else have I done impulsively? I dunno... I always considered myself someone who would try to stop and think before I acted, but the reality is that I can't think of anytime where I did that either. In fact, I can distinctly remember getting on myself countless times for NOT thinking what I was doing through before doing it. But...despite that I still can't remember when I did anything impulsively. Stupid finicky memory. This would all be so much easier if I just could remember my dag on childhood...

In college...what have I done impulsively? This should be easier to answer...let's see...heh okay yeah I can think of a couple things...the two that stand out foremost in my mind are the times that I did some stuff that got cops called on me. I got out of trouble by lying though, yay for not telling the truth............

I don't think they should have called the cops for that stuff anyway...

HMM...

I don't know where I'm going with this but I'm not ready to stop typing...so... impulsiveness... you know those things where you are supposed to hit a key if it's one thing that flashes, and not hit it if it's something else? I'm told that's related to impulsiveness, and I fail miserably at those. I don't know if that's normal or not though, it seems reasonable that many normal people would fail at those kinds of tests to me...I dunno.

When driving...well then some impulsiveness might come up. Like...hey that light just turned yellow. SLAM YOUR BRAKES. OOOOkay....probably should have thought that one through because uhm now you are stopped in the middle of a 4-way and there's traffic coming at you. Yeaaah...But is that impulsiveness or just lack of experience? I mean REALLY.

Impulsiveness ... oh heh...actually there was one time...yeah...so...let's just say there was a system-wide email sent out...it was telling everyone of some mandatory thing...and uhm...well in the time it took me to read the email, the idea got in my head that'd it be great for a laugh to hit "reply all" (because for some reason all those pretty little names where staring at me) and inform everyone of the dreadful mistake: that this thing was not mandatory, do not bother to waste your time. OH yeah. I realized how bad of an idea that was about 3 seconds after I hit SEND.

But hey it WAS good for a laugh at least...heh...

But again I think all that really could be justifiable as just normal behavior. I do have one problem, I'm not sure if it's impulsiveness or if it's something else...but when I get angry....I can't really STOP myself from speaking. I just can't turn my mouth off when I get mad. It's like...every single time...I know what will make me upset...I try to avoid those things...but sometimes I get brave...like hey this is my friend there's no way I'm going to get mad at him. Then...5 minutes later...I'm shouting at him and immediately after the words leave my mouth I want nothing more than to hit myself in the face with a brick. I knew better...and I did it anyway. Maybe that's just anger-control problems though.

I know...ADHD people tend to get anger flare ups...I do too..badly...0 to 60 and back to 0 in 10 seconds or less. Argh. But that too could be normal behavior.

But what about class room behavior? I know I was generally a pretty good student. I mean, I never, and I mean NEVER paid any attention in class. But I learned early on how to fake it, I still fake it even now in college. You can look anywhere you want, just so long as when the teacher is looking out over the class room you turn back to look at them. Or you can just stare at the whiteboard...whatever suits your fancy. I do both. I sleep in a lot of my classes, I have since middle school. But again..lots of people sleep in class and don't pay attention...that doesn't mean they have ADHD.

The main complaint I had when I went to see my doc the first time, was that I couldn't concentrate. Well..that's true. I used to think the reason I didn't pay attention in class was because I just didn't care. Which was also true, I really hated school so I didn't care to pay attention, besides I made good grades so whats it matter. Well first of all my math skills are atrocious now and I think it's entirely due to that attitude.

But I figured out I just CAN'T focus. I know this because...man I really tried. I tried sooooooo hard last semester to just pay attention to what my teachers were saying. I had to...I was doing terrible in my classes and well this was the first time I was doing this badly. I still didn't study or anything...because uhm...well I just can't. I know, that sounds like an excuse...but I've NEVER studied. In my LIFE. I've TRIED to study sure...but nothing happens. Even if I am just sitting there looking at the material...my brain isn't processing it. Even if I force myself to read the words one by one...nothing sticks. So that's why I say I can't study. I realize how that probably sounded now to the pdocs I saw...I probably sound like a spoiled little middle class white guy.

But I'm not spoiled, and well I'm not from the middle class either.

I've tried to study many times. I've never been good at it. I remember trying to study for spanish ... haha yeah right. I failed that class miserably...it was the first time in my life I was proud to fail a test (I looked at it like...well you know I only got 38 points out of 100 but man I got 38 points!!)

But it's not just school stuff...I've always wanted to be a programmer. I do want to be a programmer still...I struggled for a long time with trying to figure out if this was REALLY what I wanted...and the reason for that is because well I've never really finished anything I've set out to do with programming. At first I just thought my goals were too large...so I started making smaller and smaller and smaller goals. Until I eventually realized, even with crap-tastic goals and beyond low expectations...I still couldn't finish anything I set out to do unless it took less than a few hours.

So how could I be a programmer...how could I do that every day if I can't even do it on my own time consistently? I still don't know. I WANT to do it. Man I've spent so much time just staring at code... I've felt like I've always ended up being distracted by other stuff...games....the internet...forums.... I even tried disconnecting my internet and programming..except that really just didn't go well..I need the internet to program haha...it's too valuable of a resource. But then...inevitably...I end up doing other crap.

I think that's what it is. I decided when I got to my higher up level classes I'd be forced to program...and then I would have the motivation to program since it was for a grade. BUT NO. NO NO NO. I failed over 90% of my programming homework assignments last semester. I have no idea how I passed all of my classes...

I fear it's only going to get worse. Which is why I'm excited about the transfer...to a different college. Out of state...kind of a fresh start? I mean yeah...I've already completed 4 years of college..but hey you know what I have at LEAST 2 and a half years to go here...and I don't think I could stand it.

So whatever...some credits might not transfer..I might even have to start all over. I don't even care. This is probably a terrible decision that I will one day regret immensely but I'm going through with it as long as I can find a way to finance it...which shouldn't be too hard...I hope...I really want to go apply for all the jobs I can find in my area today. I don't know if 1 and a half months is enough time to save up enough money though...but screw it...if I can just work 80 hours a week...that should suffice... ugh...if I can find 80 hours worth of work a week!

Plus...once I move...I doubt I'm going to have my drivers license by then. It's been almost two months of summer and I'm still a god awful driver. Yesterday was the first time I went driving without any caffeine in my system at all (before that I always had at LEAST 200mg in my system.) Maybe it was placebo but it helped.

Yesterday was a dag on disaster. I'm never driving without caffeine again.

This is such a long post. I don't even know what I'm talking about...but I am not ready to post it yet still...so...I'll continue on.

Let's talk about me getting distracted. It happens a lot. If I walk into the kitchen, which is beside the living room...where there is a big screen TV...well...all I wanted to do was go get some water but chances are I'll end up standing there watching the TV until it goes to commercials or something. I feel too awkward when I go sit in there with my family, so at least I don't end up sitting on the couch forgetting about what I was doing.

Apparently, during my ADHD evaluation the first session I kept getting distracted by a spider. She said I kept looking at it during the tests, which I don't recall. I remember looking around for it inbetween the tests..because well it was a small room and an active spider. I feel like that warrants the occasional turn of the head. I again think this is normal behavior. I'm not afraid of spiders, but, still...small room...active spider. You connect the dots!

Then in the second session some lead fell on the floor from one of the pencils, I didn't think a second thing about it but I kept trying to find it. Apparently she said it distracted me. I think we have different definitions of distracted though, I was simply multi-tasking!

I'm down to my last pair of contacts...need to get a new RX this month. Hrm...I don't have the money to move and somehow I'll need to come up with the money to buy new contacts. I'm really cursing myself right now for how I mismanaged all my money. If I had been smart about it, I would have a lot of money saved up right now. I mean...I don't even know what I blew all that money on.

I had lots of financial aid left over every single semester...that's....8 semesters! I only made a few big purchases...it doesn't even come close to adding up to the total amount that I had. I have no idea where the rest of that money went.

I guess that's one more thing for impulsiveness though...I am very big into that whole impulse shopping thing. If I see something...and I want it...well you know how it goes. "It's only $5...I can afford $5!" THAT ADDS UP...

My Dad gave me great advice that I just didn't heed at all. Write down ever transaction. I tried to follow that...but instead I just kept the receipts...and those ended up everywhere...and making a mess...so I'd just throw them all away...and decide okay this time I'll start writing things down and it won't get so messy...nope....same thing. Over and over and over and over. If I were only more disciplined I would have been able to manage my money better. That's probably my problem, discipline..not ADHD.

But it could be ADHD. I think that stupid voice in the back of my head will be my undoing. "It could be ADHD..."

I mean if there were multiple inner voices going simultaneously as well as music in my head I wouldn't even doubt it. I'd be like yep it's ADHD.

But I don't experience that. I have one inner voice. I have lots of thoughts going on at once but only one inner voice. The music comes and goes, and a lot of times it's just that normal "stuck in your head" where your inner voice is singing (but not really the same as that vivid almost stereo-quality going along side the inner voice)

I guess I look at that as being really important to have ADHD. I know there are lots of people with ADHD who don't experience that...but how could I possibly be one of them? Again...how could anything be wrong with me?

Probably nothing wrong with me. It's probably just my lack of motivation, lack of discipline, lack of will power. I didn't want to use that term, will power, because ADHD looks for all intents and purposes like a lack in wall power. But it's not. But again, that doesn't mean I don't just lack will power. I can sometimes get some programming done, so why can't I do it all the time whenever I want? Or at least, within reason? See...must be a will power issue.

But the voice in the back of my head is saying "you *******, you just insulted a bunch of people."

I don't know...I maintain that I only judge myself. I'm really not trying to insult anyone else. It's just...this is how I look at MYSELF. I can see how it's ADHD in someone else...it's just with me it feels like I'm making excuses.

I don't want to make excuses.

But then again...I have to wonder. If I was living by myself in a different country with no one around from my past...would I still be so confused? I worked so hard to build up this image that I was smart, intelligent, progressing...doing so well academically..heck I had the grades to back it up. So why is this even an issue? Well...because my grades are the ONLY thing I have. Period. And not for a lack of effort darn it!

I don't even know how I got those grades, I guessed, lucked out, cheated, and managed to get by speeding through my assignments to turn in some half-***** piece of crap that I was embarrassed to even put my name on.

I hate to admit that I'm a cheater. I really do. I don't want to be a cheater. But I did what I had to do...anything to protect that image. Anything to get those grades.

EXCEPT what I should have done to deserve good grades. It's not fair, I've long since known that much. I have no right to complain because look at all these other people who study for hours and make C's while I don't study at all, sleep through class, guess on half the answers and get A's and B's.

No it's not fair.

Where am I going with this again? I don't know.

Over 99% of the time I am moving. Fidgeting, shaking, squirming, tapping, drumming, whatever it may be...some kind of movement. I'm 22 years old..so...if I had ADHD and this was a symptom of it...shouldn't I be outgrowing it by now? To my understanding the hyperactivity dies down. I don't know if I was bouncing off the walls as a child, but I know I've always moved incessantly. I know I've always felt confined in a class room, I know I've always wanted nothing more than to get up and GET OUT, ESCAPE from the evil dreaded class room that I was locked in for hours at a time. Block scheduling was an evil invention.

I don't know. I have high levels of anxiety apparently. They could cause all of my problems. Maybe I've always had anxiety, and therefore I just need to address that and then I'll be able to get my projects done. Then I'll finally be able to accomplish something.

But I've never heard of anxiety crippling someone in that sense. I mean, I've heard of people freezing up from anxiety...but I don't freeze up. I just...don't end up on the get-go like I need to. I do sometimes...I just can't seem to muster enough umph to keep it up over any length of time.

So I wonder...if I do have ADHD would I have ADHD or SCT? I can totally consider myself sluggish sometimes...but not all the time. Sometimes I am way, way, way too hyper. Sometimes...speed is my middle name.

But not always.

So what if it was bipolar. But I mean...to my knowledge I've never experienced psychosis...plus I don't really feel like I go through periods of depression followed by periods of mania. I do get mild bouts of the blues now and then, but...I don't think it's really DEPRESSION. You know...there's a difference. I think. I have no earthly clue..why are you asking ME?

I can't be bipolar. ADHD is scary enough...but bipolar? Yeesh. Not to offend anyone...but that just sounds like it'd be even harder to deal with.

I wish stimulant medication didn't get you "high"...that would save me a lot of headache. I know that because I didn't really have all this problem with going with the OCD thing. Ultimately..I don't think I am OCD. But, I had considerable less issues with going on prozac than I feel with even getting an ADHD diagnosis...even without taking medication into account...just because of the stigmas involved around the disorder, and the medication.

Besides...I don't think I could afford the medication regardless. I can barely afford the $4 prozac...I might just go off of it. I don't know what it's done for me anyway. Maybe I'll just talk to him about that tomorrow ... IF I manage to find a way there.

UGH how am I going to get there. Why can't I have been a good normal person and get my license at 16. Then I would have no problems with money because naturally, I'd still have a job. Plus I could take care of all these issues privately, on my own, without the added stress.

But...I was too much of a mess to get my drivers license then anyway.

I wonder why no one really seemed to take notice now that I think about it. I wonder why that counselor let me go so easily in middle school when I got called in. The more I think about it the more of a basket case I clearly was and am. I'm not saying I'm an ADHD basket case, but I'm clearly a basket case.

I guess I just wish this had already all been dealt with. But if it's ADHD then I suppose it never really gets "dealt" with...life long endeavor and all.

UGh,....and the reality is that the stress is starting to get to me.. I'm starting to look at suicide as an option again. I'm not sure I can take the failure...the lectures from my parents...if things go south on this moving out of state thing. The "told ya so's"...ugh. I just want to get away from this place... it really turns me into a wreck.

I'm not saying I will kill myself, I won't. It's just...the thoughts are coming back. They've been here the past few days...even when I was still on the prozac. It's like...you know this is just so hard...I just wish I could just end it so that I didn't have to deal with it anymore. But I know that's not the right thing. I don't WANT to do that. I just am getting so overwhelmed with everything and so stressed out. I generally have an attitude of "let things work themselves out" WHAT A TERRIBLE ATTITUDE.

I find myself in this situation all-too-often.. Where it feels like I'm in crisis mode. Letting things work themselves out always seems like a bad idea...but then things always work themselves out. And I feel silly for even worrying about it.

But now we're talking about money issues... Other people are RELYING on me to get my **** together so that when we move I will have the money in hand ready. This **** is scary and tough...and I don't even have reliable transportation to a job...heck I don't even have a job.

ugh

I feel like at times I should just tell my parents. Let them judge me...but just tell them. Tell them that I have some problems. Maybe even tell them they are flakking idiots for not realizing it on their own, but no that's not fair. Besides, even if they did realize it, it's not like I would have taken kindly to being told it. Honestly I was pretty oppositional growing up, I hated taking orders. I hated doing anything anyone wanted me to do. With the exception of school. I don't know why. I guess school records were permanent ... something about that just scares me. Not so much anymore. I'm kind of like whatever now, but growing up...I dunno. I just had it drilled into me so much to not mess things up at school...

Plus it's not like we could have afforded getting things sorted out back then regardless. And I know I wouldn't have made it easy, I used to think every so now and then about being forced to go to therapy and all the things I would do to throw them off. I was always really scared of letting anyone see the real me anyway.

The real me...is a mess. I would lie constantly, I'd go over the top with my lies about my short comings. If I wasn't confident in something...I'd over-compensate BIG TIME in the way I'd talk about it. Oh yeah I totally am amazing at math!! ({{scores under 80 in math fluency on woodcock johnson....grrr}})

At one point I came to the conclusion, even if I am not as well-equipped as most people mentally, I can still do some genius stuff if I just was given enough time, and worked at it long enough.

I have no reason to believe that, but whatever.

I can't tell you how often I have just fantasized about being able to pause time...just pause time. Just me. Just me alone in my own little frozen piece of time...I could get everything done! Then I could un-pause time and everything would be dandy.. I'd be caught up on everything and I'd from then on totally work, totally keep up with everything, totally be organized..etc.

SOUND FAMILIAR? YEAH...I say that all the freaking time. It just doesn't work that way.

I've completely forgotten why I am writing this post. This is a jumble. But I'm running short on time... so I'm going to post it. Mostly I guess it was to get stuff off my chest. I have no idea. In conclusion...this is how I feel right now:

HOLY CRAP!!!!!
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