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Old 02-10-19, 11:15 AM
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tazoz tazoz is offline
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Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.

I looked back at your past posts and one sentence jumped out at me: that being a musician is a mask. I feel that this is relevant to a certain extent to your post. Being a hero is akin to being a musician as it is to being smart. They are constructs that we use to stabilize ourselves and our identities. The idea that we are all the heroes of our stories is correct in its essence yet it ignores the fact that being a hero is an element of identity that is imparted on us by others. When we call someone a hero we highlight certain actions that they did, experiences that they had and impart on those actions meaning, using them to define the identity of that person in our eyes. Our future perceptions of their actions are influenced accordingly.

A while back, I wrote something to a teacher in context of trauma. There are two types of disabilities, one that comes from war, the other from anything else. The difference is that society treats war victims as heroes and that is not true for diability caused by illness, for example, that's just a disability. As someone who had a childhood illness that left me disabled, this difference is painful to a certain extent because my struggles and everything I coped with aren't given the needed support, I have to cope alone every day of my life with something that made every future achievement harder. In contrast, a person injured in war is placed within a system of support as part of this heroic social construct, they represent someone to be admired and looked up to and as such society goes out of their way to help them recover.

With this in mind, I am not a hero, I can only define myself according to my own actions and words and how they ultimately affect the world around me. Looking back, I have helped others and done some good but I've also not been able to live up to my expectations of myself, so instead of regreting the past, I must find ways to act differently so I don't repeat the same mistakes in the years to come or alternatively I have to reavaluate my own expectations and accept that I am only human and I can only do what I can in context of the cards handed to me.

The healthy way to look at it is to combine both, learning from the past is important but also accepting the past and the journey that we've been through to become the person that we are today, for better and for worse.

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