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Old 02-11-19, 08:39 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.

thank you namu. a bit of pride doesn't hurt just as long as it doesn't get out of hand, I think I'm just starting to realize my potential, also the moral aspect of superego formation (I've allreaddy started to self reflect, a lot and even if I'm not typing directly at you namu or myself, it is what it is, part of the process, I think as long as I keep doing my work and speak my mind honestly, however, I was talking to you namu cause I captured(just the word I'm using now, don't want to go way down the rabbit hole right now) your thought and responded in kind.

even if I didn't do as good on the test as I think I did,(and I did some techniques before "the test is neither hard nor easy, it's just a test, a normal test) just knowing the feeling of doing work and having the notebook that shows that I did my work, the feeling of thoughts coming together and synthesizing, just knowing that feeling was a piece of the picture I needed, one that I think was fragmented a while back (heh, linear phase memory just poped in my head, one of the first things my therapist told me about)

I've also started to catch myself in some, distorted thoughts. like when I say "I don't know" but know. this self trust thing is starting to make more sense to me.

changing the subject just a bit (heh, categorization). before self consciousness had a negative conitation to it, now it doesn't. like, I don't even know why self conciousness HAD a negative bit to it.

the antidote to self helplessness (again, a thought going way back in therapy) is to help the self, myself, this guy right here (heh). for me to help myself in the doings of the things (heh, I'll conceptualize the vocab better probably tomorrow after I sleep tonight).

one thing that did happen and something I didn't expect, was right after biology I had a sinking feeling. I need to conceptualize this thought further, we had bio lab after the test and I like being around the group that I'm in. the actual lab was about light microscopes(right up my alley), you know, seeing the stuff we actually got done being tested over (my drawings are grade A but actually seeing the stuff is something else).

however, I think, I also just like being a part of a group, sure I'm the most scientifically minded in the group, but that doesn't matter, like, just being a part of something and helping the way I can in class (understanding the aperture of a microscope to get the best image for everyone else, heh, same with a camera or telescope really).

and I think this is an adhd thing where I jump off that topic to another topic that is similar. I'm not going to do the old hand analogy (cause I know the mental thing that is associated with it). I don't have to pick which part I like more than the other, I like both scientific stuff AND being part of a group. .

just lately, I've been putting more up the puzzle pieces together, and I think I might be starting to like myself.

also sense just talking (well righting) all this out is helping, another thing I've found out about myself is sign in sheets. ever sense my therapist and I (and I'm just representing what my therapist said and relating to what he said cause he really helped me re-conceptualize time and space), like, self imposed sign in sheets help tremendously. seeing the representation of myself through tie in sign in sheets, just... helps tremendously. I have a page in each of my notebooks that have one.

Last edited by Drogheda98; 02-11-19 at 08:52 PM..
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