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Old 02-12-19, 11:20 PM
Drogheda98 Drogheda98 is offline
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Re: self acceptance piece number, heh.... pondering about stuff.

I'm sorry I've come off like that in the past sarrah.

I think, maybe namuzu might have caught onto this (just have a hunch on that).

the last two years I've been navigating the labyrinth of my mind, and it all happend when my therapist sayd look inwards, almost 2 years ago when I reached first enlightenment (that was par the corse to end depression in just my setting, so I'm thinking my personal therapist knew me well enough, what I talked about etc.... to send me on the path)

I think namu might have realized that when I said picked up more pieces of the puzzle. again, a hunch (hey I'm using words that I never have, heh).

in the labrynth, sometimes, it would be hard to tell if I was talking to myself, or others, my thread (you know, the thing that theses followed to escape the labyrinth of dedelus) is that notion of IQ, the thing that kept me going was the thing that was known to me, my potential for change that is connected directly to my IQ (cause that's all iq is, potential). My therapist said to me that I was (heh, for those keeping score, I didn't project), and said for me to use it that was before I descended the labrynth of the mind.

heh, I had the thread all long, he just reminded me. it was key to if I could or couldn't turn this ship around , now I know why my therapis said something he did) the concept of my therapist has been such a huge deal to me the past 2 years during the process I would of been completely lost without his guidence, and smarts comes up in therapy (to get to THIS point I had to decode XOR statments of ABCD statements using, like, haddores theorey(thats not the name for the theory it just roughly sounds like that (why my therapist always told me to go to khan academy cause the theory was there)

I guess, to put it another way (and like, my brain is, well not exploding, but if you just look at the differences between my writing style from lastnight to now, like a well of energy has straightforward I feel like running a marathon).

ya, I was never told how to utilize my iq so I became really good at telling people that and a lot of times had facts and figures to brunt people over the head, not so good at the doing cause of self helplessness. I think were namu is saying the two different notions are pride of doing (putting in the worlk that my faculties facilitate) rather than the hubris part, and I had to litterly have 1 day so far out of the labrynth of the mind that I could catch that thought with the ego, one day were I did an emmense amount of work, to capture the essence of the moment and the meaning behind what namu said, and I think (again the hunch) namu knew or had an inclining (cause of my past posting habits perhaps) what was going on with me last night. and namu, you are a magician, heh. I'll dedicate a poem or song or something to the magician named namu who opened the magic door in my head (sorry) or just, gave it a push.


and then forming the blueprint from(well, you know, connecting the dots), last night basicly, to understand the psychological apparatus

and yes, I do mean that as a defense to myself, not against you sarah, I like you enough from the time I have been here, but against the notion. beign smart isn't all rosses. if you look at the thread yesterday you would be able to see in my writing about how ambivalent to it It was. to put it another way, it's as much of a stigma on a smart person as the message we get from society about having adhd, and I don't tell people I have adhd. I haven't told anyone outside the boards in a very long time, for the exact same reason. if you look online, people with 140ish iq are either mad or other in themselves.

you might think that someone who is smart would just, be able to do all the things, however, I'm 38 and I knew my iq was 140ish when I was around 16. part of the central question, was why I had such a time doing things. I'm not alone in with the statement, it's echo'd online everywhere and there is a very good reason why, and the answer I just litterly answered in my head with all this new information and vitality (it's like a cognitive barrier has been lifted in my brain). I'm already starting to try to formulate the superego statements, not to control but to be a lighthouse pointing to information, I'm already formulating new statements in my mind about habits, work, school, ethics, etc..etc..

and the tumbler, I think I owe to namu and possibly tazo(not going to parse the diouloge . as soon as I said what jordan peterson said. (I'm kind of excited right now)

you know, the "jordan peterson said "you.....

first thing to understand, living with an controlling family (the self helplessness stuff) is not... not having a superego, however, the people that supply the superego are, generally the parents. if I had 10 dollars I would bet that the key notion of self helplessness comes from overcontroling parents.

my therapist supplied me with the blueprint, I would keep on hearing his super ego "you gota be ok with that" and when I thought that, I typically would be ok with whatever (just an example), however I would always difer back to the memory of therapy when he would say that, and give me other superego statements. I would get my other blueprints from, starwars (god I talked about yoda in therapy forever), I mean, cool, however, not very helpful in life. the other part is the process

I know why I would remember a "you" from one of my favorite games, a "you" from my favorite songs. my parents didn't really supply me with the blueprint (now I get why my therapist said self helplessness and the stuff I've been through litterly isn't my fault), and I love them no matter cause ya... it's like all the stuff my therapist and I ever talked bout is coming together right now in my mind., how pathology is generational, I understand now why my parents say some of the things they do.

not going to say I'm 100% with the concept of the apparatus, there is a LOT of info out there, I mean, this realization came on the heals of lastnight. but I you know, I think I'm getting it.

I think friday is going to be a big day for me, heh, I'm just curious about how I'll be tomorrow got a lot to do, and I'm finally, ready to get cracking..

heh, it's funny, yesterday I quoted the phoenix myth, right now, if I could litterly be on fire I would be my mind is like running 10 times faster than just yesterday, my writing and articulation is a lot more flued. whihch is a good thing cause I got a thesis and a body paragraph for a report to wright in the morning and I hate hemming-way with a passion.
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