Thread: Hi Mom <3
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Old 04-17-18, 03:15 PM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Hey mom, I sure love you! lol oh I almost teared up there >.<;

I'm doing okay mom. A whole lot better than 3 weeks ago...that's for sure. Started back up on adderall, and since then I've started doing all sorts of things I've been wanting to do, but was never quite able to bring myself to doing it when I was off the adderall there over the past year.
I've picked up old hobbies, I'm halfway through my mountain in my room...and I've even started to think about employment again. I know just where I'm going to apply...it's that center here in town that helps those with developmental disabilities (as well as those with brain injuries). I think it'll be a lot like working at the lovely nursing home...only, unlike there, it'll be filled with hanging out with the people 1on1.
haha how awesome would it be if I could hang out with the eldest of the 2 boys you me and dad have been lucky enough to help out with over the last 10 or so years through respite? I should bring it up to them (if I ever get hired) that I know him and him and I have a pretty strong friendship (we're like brothers as you know!) and if I could spend some time working with him.

So anyhow, my adderall is kicking some ***.
I quit taking it soon after you'd passed away...omg I'm about to cry again. grrrr
And then I just slipped into a depression and just didn't care anymore. I didn't have the energy to get to my doctor's appointment to get more and meh...took me nearly a year to get back on it.

I'm struggling with my case manager though mom. It's tough. He's so damned critical of me, and he puts a TON of pressure on me with his constant expectations. He keeps pushing me and pushing me and he wants me to keep doing things his way (he's VERY much so the whole "it's my way or the highway!" kind of guy and it gets real old real fast mom). And he keeps telling me he's going to help me out with things, like with the car and with employment and all this...or else he tells me he's going to call me so we can set things up...
And then he doesn't follow through.
Yet, I see him busting his absolute *** off for other people in the group. It's frustrating and I upsetting and almost makes me want to cry.
I think he thinks I'm capable of doing everything on my own, therefore I shouldn't need his help and (he's actually expressed this just last week to me)...he's afraid I'll become dependent on the help so I'll stop working on stuff on my own.
But damn it mom! I DO need help. And I DO deserve it! Sure there's others in the group in more need then I am...but that doesn't mean I should be freaking ignored or shoved off to the side.
I'm really about ready to file a proper complaint against him.
I will talk to him about my frustrations when I meet with him 1on1 next time (hopefully next week)...but it's just very frustrating.
And I feel a big sense of helplessness in this situation. I really wish I had an advocate in my corner who was willing to stand strong and to fight to the bitter end for me.
That was you mom. And damn were you good at it! I don't have you there in my corner though. I don't have anyone! I feel so vulnerable.
And it further frustrates me...that I'm so dependant on this damned caseworker. He gives me rides...and he's possibly a way for me to get my car fixed, and maybe he can pull some strings for me somehow to help me land employment at this center...maybe he can even help me get some new clothes for the job (I'm down to 1 pair of good pants mom. The others I'm wearing today have a huge hole in the butt/thigh from where the darn car ripped them.
It doesn't help that dad took a bunch of my clothes with him when he moved to boise. Doesn't help either that I've put on so much weight since you were gone...and most my old shirts don't fit anymore.

About the weight though mom...I've lost some! Not a lot...but I am down. I was able to weigh myself 1 1/2 weeks ago...but it's not just that, but I can feel it with the shirts I'm wearing. Where before they were a bit too short and I had to keep tugging them down or else the very bottom of my belly would show (SO freaking embarrassing /sad)...now I don't have to do the tugging!
So that's something .

I need you mom. I need my advocate back. I need you in my corner to fight for me with this.
I think that I will forever need you mommy. For the rest of my life there will always be reasons I need you.
But you know. You're here. You're with me. In spirit. I've got to learn to fight for myself now mom. It sucks. I don't like this life like this. I so miss having you to hold me up and to let me fall on...but like it or not...here I am. It's either I fight or I sink. That's really all there is.
And I can remember how fiercely you've fought for me in the past through tough situations...and I can use those memories to help guide me and to push me to fight fiercely for my own self.


I love you so much mom. I don't ever want to stop talking to you . I don't want you to die mommy.

It's just...it just sucks . It's not even worth asking why. Why did you have to die mom?
I love you mom. I hope, as I believe you did, that you knew in your heart just how deeply I love you.
Thank you mom.



...
I miss my mom guys
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