Thread: Hi Mom <3
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Old 08-10-18, 06:56 PM
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Re: Hi Mom <3

Hi mom. Just thinking of you. Still. always.
Been nearly 15 months and still I weep .

Had the best 1 on 1 session I've had with my newish therapist yet today. We talked about when I was younger and about the fights we'd get into. How you'd start in on me and I'd react and we'd tear each other up. How when I'd try to leave...shut myself into my room or something...you'd come and chase me down to continue the fight. How you'd go on and on and on about it...till the point where I'd just explode.
I never did get physical with you...though lord knows I wanted to!
I sure did get physical with the poor house though! lol...I put many holes in the walls with my fists, and I took down 3 or 4 doors (was it more?). Mad I'd get so angry!
Then dad would come home and IMMEDIATELY...without asking any questions...take your side. And of course you'd be playing a total victim at that point going on and on about how horrible I was to you...so dad would get home and he too would start yelling at me about how horrible I was for being so disrespectful to you and ****.
Damn I hated dad for that mom. I was SO desperate for someone to ******* listen to me...to have my back...to understand that you and my fights weren't 100% my fault. I had NO problem owning up to the fact that yeah I was a ****...but man mom...you made everyone believe that you had nothing to do with the fights. You were just completely innocent and I had NO one who'd believe me!
I was the "bad" kid. And dad was a complete dick to me. He was always so furious with me...never upset with you though.

And yeah. I'm the one that got to take a lovely visit to a jail cell for 2 weeks while I waited for a spot in a boy's lockdown facility to open up in a town 4 or 5 hours away. I'm the one that had to do all the daily group and 1 on 1 therapy sessions during that time for nearly 1 1/2 years.
You?
You didn't do **** about your anger as far as I'm aware. No one even knew you had any anger issues besides me and my sister. We're the only ones who ever saw it from you. You were SO freaking good at playing a victim and convincing everyone that everything wrong was ALWAYS 100% other people's fault and you were completely 100% innocent.

It wasn't till I finally moved out of your house that we started to get along. THEN dad started to see your anger. I know this is wrong, but I use to get so much satisfaction sometimes when you'd dig into him viciously. You were damn near abusive to dad mom. And some of those times...I loved it! It was like sweet freaking revenge for all those years that he'd abandoned me and refused to listen to me about how you'd push me and prod me and go and on and on till I had no choice but to explode! I couldn't escape your wraths! lol you just wouldn't stop mom! You wouldn't let things go! You'd continue fighting LOOOOONG after I'd dropped it and moved on. You'd sit there just stewing on it and bringing it back up over and over. I'd get ****** off and go to my room. So you'd come pounding on my door and start going off. Open my door and just push it.
So when you'd do the same to dad...I relished it. I loved it. It's like he treated me like **** for trying to stand up to you...so now that he was getting a taste of it himself, I felt like he SO deserved it and I wanted to just laugh in his freaking face! :anger:

I don't know mom.
We sure did have our fights. Our relationship truly was VERY disfunctional...and we'd fight like this up till you passing. But dang it helped that I had my own apartment to get away to.
And I don't mean to say that our fights were all your fault either. Oh heck no! lol I'm a little **** to you...I knew just how to press all your buttons in all the wrong ways. That, and you were never able to handle being confronted or being told the hard truth...but damn, I couldn't hardly help myself. When you were being mean, I almost felt a NEED to confront you on it and to be honest with you...even though I was full aware that doing so would make you super upset and angry.
No, we both brought it out in each other.
I think the thing that upsetted me the most over the years though, is how you refused to own up to yourself...everything was always my fault 100%. I'm the one that needed to go away and get help. I'm the one your whole family and all your friends disliked because all they heard from you was how horrible of a person I was to you...while you were a complete angel to me all the time and had NO idea why I was going off on you and so angry.

Ah well mom.
We really were best friends despite it all. It's crazy to me that we'd had such a deeply dysfunctional relationship filled with tons of spite, resentments and anger...and yet through it all, we were still able to be such awesome friends in between those fights.

And dang I'm glad I remember you for all the fun and gentle times...instead of focusing on all the bad times.

I love you to bits mom. Damn I love you! I keep waiting for you to come home . Sometimes I get so angry because you wont come home! That you can't come home. I just want you to come home and for things to come back to normal. I want to go shopping with you. I want to take a trip with you! I want to go up to the mountains with you! To enjoy toys with you...haha we were such kids! Or to get excited about star wars with you! I just want to call you and check in with you. Damn I miss that mom! I want life back where I know I have someone behind me that would absolutely FIERCELY fight for me if anything started to fall apart for me and I needed someone to help support me.
You had such a way of making my life feel so much more secure. Solid. I knew I could always rely on you when the ground started to break up beneath my feet.

What's going to happen mom when I get sick someday in the future...and I don't have you there to comfort me?
/cry...I don't even want to think about it. I mean...I'll get through it alone...but damn. How sad. I just don't even want to think about it! Makes me want to cry

...
We sure had our fights mom!
But despite it all, there's absolutely zero question about the love we had for each other.
You were my best friend in life mom.
I wish you'd come home .
I love you mom.
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(((((((MOM)))))))
I Miss You.

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