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Old 08-12-19, 04:26 AM
Clavius78 Clavius78 is offline

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Re: The what's bothering you RIGHT NOW thread Part V

The thing that's bothering me right now: procrastination.

Sitting at my desk at work with my magic super funky combination of ASD and ADD/ADHD-PI. Nobody knows that here. I'm sort of good looking and good at masking. Desperately trying to move to the next task. Whilst trying to *START* I do the following:

- I made a list of all the things that I need to do.

- Prioritized them.

- Entered them in my Outlook instead of my blocnote.

- Wife messages me about a problem with her laptop. Guided her on how to run CHKDSK on her windows 10 laptop via mobile messaging.

- Go to meeting.

- After an hour the meeting is over.

- No idea what was discussed. Didn't pay attention. I was thinking about stuff and then spaced a bit.

- Back to my desk. Ordered a new cover online for our swimming pool.

- Googled for the millionth time on how to stop procrastinating. Same results as always.

- Go to to catch up and to see if there is any replies to my topics since my holiday.

- Bought another miracle supplement online that's supposed to help with ADHD. (Rhodiola Rosea.) If it's goint to help as much as all the Omega 3, Niacin, vitamin B, NOOPEPT, Magnesium, vitamin D, 15 piracetam variants, sulbutiamine, ashwaganda KSM66, gaba, 5HTP, etc, that I tried, then it's another cabinet-filler.

- Ok, back to work now for real. COME ON, SNAP OUT OF IT YOU LAZY *** ** * *****!

- Hid out in the toilet worrying that I'm not going to meet my deadline and get into trouble.

- Back to my desk... Wait, coffee and water first.

- Back to my desk and opened the files that I need for the task that I selected to do.

- Something is unclear so sent out an email to a colleague to clear things up. Dang, different task while I wait for the answer.

- Back to the toilet, slight panic attack.

- Actually manage to pick up the next task on my list within a reasonable amount of time.

- Colleague asks how my holiday was. Suddenly I'm actually a very social human being and chat for over an hour.

- Coffee got cold, get new coffee. Back to my desk.

- Answer some email. (2!) Yeah, finally did something. Feel like employee of the month.

- Do some well-deserved browsing on twitter on my phone.

- Angelic-like young female colleague comes to my desk to ask work-related question. A good question! I know this, totally going to awe her with my knowledge and experience. She looks me straight into my eyes. I make the mistake of actually making eye-contact. ARRRGH! DON'T TOUCH MY BROKEN SOUL! Instant speech-impairment. Struggled through the rest of the conversation. She leaves.
(Not sure if the eye-contact thing is ADD related. Might be ASD related only?)

- Continue to work. Unclench jaw. Auch! Clenched for to long.

- Coffee, water, toilet -> big panic attack. Contemplate suicide for a little bit.

- Back at desk very stupid questions from colleagues in my email. I need to give them the same answer to the same questions that they've asked like 30 times this year already. I thought I was the one with the impairment?!

- There goes my last remaining will to work. Counted the hours that I've done nothing. Probably like 6 out of my 8 hour working day. Feel like a terrible douche. Like an imposter and a leech. Feel like a lazy goodfornothing. How did I even get this job? It used to be easier before.

- Wait would a true lazy person be so worried about not working and getting away with it? Heck no! I wish I was truly lazy, then I would't care.

- Boss comes by and compliments me on the "amazing amount of work that I did" on a project last week. And on my excellent contribution in yesterday's meeting.

- Super confused.

- Huh? Why do I taste blood. Oh, I've mauled my tongue again during the day. Hope nobody noticed.

- Time is now 15:28 hours. An hour left in my working day. Oh well, there's always next day.

- I can't go on like this anymore.

- Start to vent on addforums. Somebody somewhere must have some solution.

It has always been like this with me. But I was always able to cope. And coping is becoming increasingly harder as I grow older. Like my strength to overcome my shortcomings is declining. I'm 41 years old and my diagnoses for ASD an ADHD-PI are only a year old. How is this situation going to be in 5 years time? Or 10?

The situation above is WITH medication. Wellbutrin 300mg and dexamphetamines. Nothing seems to help. Just like the mountain of supplements that I tried first. Just like the mindfulness torture that they advised me. And the psychomotor-therapy. Seems like anything that I try to make things better turns out to make things worse. Or, do all those things really work and only slow down the downward spiral slightly??

And don't be fooled by the little bits of humor in my post. I'm at the very end of my resolve. I know I have to continue this torture. I have a good wife and a fantastic daughter of 10 years old. They deserve a good husband and father. But because I'm at the end, I've started becoming increasingly reckless. Doubling my medicine because maybe it helps. Combining it with all kinds of nootropics. Swimming in -10 degree Celcius water because it's supposed "to clear the head." Strange breathing techniques that nearly make me pass out, because they're supposed to "release beneficial neurochemicals".

There is one thing / one place where I feel at home and at rest. Where I can clear my mind. That's in nature, in the middle of nowhere. But that's so temporary, I always need to go back to reality. I wish I could just win the lottery, go home to wife and daughter, quit my job, quit my meds and live out my own chaotic life in peace in a little house in the woods with the two people that understand me and accept me as I am.

(Posted this on Reddit too, just for fun.)
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