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Old 04-02-19, 04:06 AM
Clavius78 Clavius78 is offline
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I finally know what's wrong with me!

TL/DR: Getting an ADD diagnose in a few weeks. But I'm already sure. So, I decided to stop lurking and join the conversations here and there.

Hi everyone! I'm a 41 year old male. Married with one 10 year old daughter. I've always felt I was different through my youth and my first jobs. In school I excelled greatly in short periods, only to fail again in other periods. I had great trouble keeping my mind on studying. I just assumed I was stupid or lazy, and I covered my insecurities up by acting like I just didn't care.

15 years ago I started working in the office for a company that just clicked with me. I still don't know exactly why. All the stars aligned for me somehow. My manager gave me great freedom as long as my figures were good. I joined all kinds of interesting projects and got to do exciting stuff. Then all of a sudden things changed. I blame all kinds of stuff: We had to share each others tasks. We no longer had our own desks but got flex work-spaces. The office got really very noisy. Everything got really structured in processes and we had to work via predefined work instructions.

All of a sudden I became awfully bad at task that I had been doing with great precision for 15 years. I made many stupid mistakes in processes that I designed myself! I was back in the beginning of my carrier. I also became paralyzed. I could not start tasks anymore. And if I did, I couldn't finish them.

So, that's when I decided to figure out exactly what was wrong with me. Fast forward: a year later I had the diagnose ASD. Which never felt like it fitted. I was assigned psyche-education in a large group of newly diagnosed adult and I recognized almost nothing of their symptoms. I was again different:
  • They're perfectionists, while my days are littered with careless stupid mistakes.
  • I have trouble keeping attention during everything, while they can focus so deeply.
  • They prefer routine work for extensive lengths of time, but I detest it, I only thrive when exploring new processes and solving weird problems.
  • I'm very forgetful, but they seem to remember all details about everything.
  • They have everlasting "special interests" while I am really goods at stuff for 3.2 months and then switch to the next hobby.

There was one thing that I had in common with the others though, and that was sensory overload. Or better said: things that distracted me from my own thoughts. My thoughts are always racing all over the place. So maybe about 10% of my attention is available for my daily tasks. As long as I can do things in my own chaotic way, there's no problem. And when there's a lot going on in my environment competing for attention with my racing mind I get overloaded. This sometimes got so bad, that I can't even finish my own thoughts because I get distracted by a next thought, that gets interrupted too, and so on. Like a "storm" in my head.

So, my search went on. And I did some online self-tests for ADD. Moreover, I started lurking on this forum. And I seem to recognize every symptom! Now I have an appointment to get an official ADD diagnose in three weeks. I already did the intake last week. But for myself it's already crystal clear that this is what's bothering me.

One point of concern raised by my psychiatrist that's evaluating me for ADD though, she wants to rule out early onset Parkinson's disease! (YIKES!) She explained that both Parkinson's and ADD involve very low levels of dopamines. And that the two sometimes get mixed up. Anybody heard of this?
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