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Old 12-11-18, 12:18 AM
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Jacksper Jacksper is offline
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Re: If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you

I just re-read this whole thread, a month after writing it, and it's very interesting to read. I see that I learned important lessons when I wrote it, and I have continued on this path to self-acceptance and healing since then.

This gives me hope, because I clearly see that I made progress in this short time period. I feel better about myself, act a bit more confidently, have opened up to dating, am learning that it's ok not to be perfect and I communicate better with people. Everywhere I see a lot of need to grow further, but I trust that I will.

The thing is, I am in a relationship now (and I don't want to ruin it by becoming an emotional mess again, and instead I want to be confident and open), my employer starts to demand that I become more independent and stable and finally my own standards of my behavior towards friends and people in general is starting to increase (because I am more aware of my influence on others and I want to be a positive person, and at the same time I want to have a good reputation with others, not to be the one who is struggling all the time).

Or, to put it differently, I don't want to feel and act like a loser. I have discovered with my therapist that I have this image of myself, and I have also learned this idea is influencing me, and that it is not true. Sure, I am failing at some areas, but at others I am being very courageous, skilled, disciplined, wise and/or talented. So, the thing is, I am not a loser, but I think, feel and act like one at times, because of my beliefs about myself.

Talking with my therapist and writing (such as I am doing now) helps me let go of this belief and this in turn helps me develop a more positive self-image.

At the same time, changing the way I act (and speak), challenging the thoughts that I have and learning to become more aware of my feelings (and not letting them rule me, but just being aware) helps me grow in confidence as well.

One reason that I write this post is that I desperately want this process to go on as quickly as it can for the above mentioned reasons, most importantly that I want it to go well with my date and I don't want my personal challenges to ruin it. However, if I want that to happen then it certainly helps that I write and reflect as I do now, but I should not be to strict on myself and I should let go of the outcome with the girl, and instead just relax and try to enjoy the moments that we have.

That increases my chances of things working out with this girl, and it is just healthy if I keep the main focus on taking good care of myself and learning self-love/acceptance, instead of external things such as a relationship that has barely started. I mean, I will have to live with myself for the rest of my life, and no one is going to give me everything I need if I don't first value myself.

I look forward to our next date on Saturday, and in the meantime I will take good positive steps forward. This is what I have in mind (not just for this week, but gradually in the coming period:

- Dealing with all the little practical problems that bug me (unpaid bills, chaos at home, etc). I feel quite ashamed for procrastinating some of these, but if I tackle these things, then I will feel proud, and rightly so, and I can move on to bigger and better challenges.
- I will start cooking again, first once per week, but then more often. It will make me feel good that I take care of myself in this way, and that I know how to cook (it's been a while).
- I want to plan my time better.
- Sharing less things with people. I wrote about it in another thread.
- Daily meditation
- Acting more confidently
- Writing in a journal
- Exercising (semi)daily
- Becoming more organized, calm and focused (and professional in general) at work
- Practicing gratitude
- Working on my inner issues with my therapist (and in my journal)
- Having fun with friends and by myself
- Relaxing by myself (reading, watching series)

Last edited by Jacksper; 12-11-18 at 12:43 AM..
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