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Old 12-27-15, 06:55 PM
blke22 blke22 is offline
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Re: Adderall - first thread post since registration - anxious/nervous, dousy of a thr

And yes, wrong time of day and I get really........ jumpy/anxious. At the moment, as I am typing this, that is not so much the case. However, I am well aware of how I can get some days as the last of the first larger dose and/or as the smaller second dose wears off (or if the second is not enough to help at the end of the day). "Jumpy/anxious" is the lighter side of the spectrum of what can happen to say the least. The extremes that have resulted in visits/checks on me by "others" or my own voluntary visit with a family member at my side to a ER are always there if I go down the right (more so "wrong") train of thought that just goes lower and lower. As is, with medication at least I can usually stop that during the day but it is normally only at the cost of it simply being delayed representation till later in the day. This is the reason I still mention the possible return to the trial/addition of an antidepressant. Even though I doubt the short or long term efficacy of one as I already know the conditions are there to become "depressed". Memories will always be there, and recollection of the memories are always possible but I feel this is a given possibility that I would rather deal with the ability to not focus on them or be able to break free of the focus on them just like when I need to break from focus on something exciting/interesting to complete something that needs to be done but is neither exciting/interesting nor a negative thought that would lead me towards a depressed state.

Having to decide between the good that comes during the day and the end of it each day often turning into something worse than the days without it is the hardest part about this. Getting to see the light but then finding out you are more afraid of the dark than ever before. The good in the day being the control of small emotional bursts (both good and bad) and the ability to be there in the moment even when it isn’t something that normally would be able to grab my attention completely and just be OK without the constant “yeah, woohoo, rush of new input/thought”. So far, medication has helped with this. Only sometimes still letting me side track onto unrelated topics that are not negative (well, for work side tracking is negative, but I am saying no negative emotional state) and sometimes enough of the old thoughts/memories build up and take over during the middle of the day at work. Until the first few really bad end of days came about after medication wore off each day, I was a lot more optimistic.


Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ Bill View Post
What do you do for work that takes 8-10 hours?
About 8-10 hours of work. I noted in another person’s thread in a response regarding my own history with employment. I am lucky (well, could be better I guess, but have a job and boss/employer being helpful) to be “ok” with my current job as far as retaining it and helping pay for medical help. Low end of “salary”, not “hourly”, job that I am expected to be available 5 days a week for a 9 hour contiguous duration (up to 1 hour of which could be a lunch break). Travel time not included of course to get to work and home. Days can last longer but are generally not “required” on the norm. As you might imagine, that is the “work” day. That doesn’t include AM time before getting to work. Nor time after for any sense of “personal life”. As for the job, since I hinted at it by asking in another thread if a poster happened to be in a given field, will simply say “Information Technology”. And yes, many characteristics I am trying to eliminate of the very condition I am trying to control (if not eliminate at times) are on the good days a useful “ability” in this field. This plus many other “compensating controls” have been used/created to get me this far. I have been on the edge for so long, been so close so many times, and many of coping mechanisms are becoming ineffective.

I have friends and family that are there for me. Many have been through some big medical issues, but always primarily physical. Also a co-worker or two that has been diagnosed since childhood or had children diagnosed since childhood. Both have been helpful.

While I understand the caution for the sake of myself and more so my doctors, I so wish we could move full steam ahead. This entire time I have been so wanting to reach a point of something that could just let me forget the memory of the things that have happened. I know that won't happen, but each day being another day I can experience more unwanted events leading to more unwanted memories that only serve to make it that much worse the day after that and the day after that and on and on and on.
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