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Old 02-12-12, 02:04 AM
Snaggs Snaggs is offline
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Question ADD-what type could I be and what next?

So I was first diagnosed with ADHD over 10 years ago, and was on a few medications for awhile, and then treatment came to a halt for reasons I cannot remember since I was maybe 10-11 at the time. Now, at 22 years of age, I am on a whole cocktail of different medications. I was evaluated again about a year ago after complaining to my Dr. that I was having much difficulty sustaining any activity for any length of time, getting bored easily then switching to something else. I believe I called it," insatiable thirst for activity...". I got evaluated, and it was quickly determined that I have ADHD, of what type I don't know, though after asking the evaluating Dr. what my ADHD would rank in terms of severity on a 10 pt. scale, he said about a 7.5-8/10. I was kind of excited, since now I might finally have hope to get treated. It was the kind of bittersweet excitement I also had upon finding out a had sleep apnea a year before this.

Other conditions which I have include: Clinical depression(since 2008), Anxiety(as long as I can remember almost), Aforementioned Obstructive sleep apnea(treated with CPAP) and I believe there must be more....or something is being treated improperly. I just FEEL in my gut that there's more, I feel empty, alone and lost. I lack the passion for life I once had many years ago...

Moving on...
I believe it may be a personality disorder or something to deal with whichever type of ADHD I have. I don't think it is a side effect, or to a high degree at least, of any of the meds I am taking.(90mg cymbalta, 150 wellbutrin XL, 70mg vyvanse, 900mg gabapentin, abilify 10mg, multi-vitamin with extra D3) I do know, though, that I am anxious around people and to a very high degree. I project my insecurities onto them and as a result feel like I am constantly being judged. I am incredibly slow to warm up to new situations, feeling crippled and unable to act, move or even speak. I take criticism very poorly, and get hurt, or even angry. I am very aware of the pain and hardship I have gone through my entire life, which includes untreated ADHD, anxiety and sleep apnea. I feel badly for my old self, my younger self, and all the pain that I needn't have had to go through. I feel badly for the struggling student in middle school and high school. He was supposed to go places, having been one of two kids in his entire elementary school to be placed in the 'gifted' program. I feel badly, again, for the young student who was to go places after having his intelligence tested, after everyone had their doubts. The doubters ate their words after that young student scored higher on the tests than anyone the giver of the tests had ever seen. I feel badly for the older, still struggling, high school student who struggled to stay awake in class, and missed 30 days of school a year because going to face the social environment that is high school, was too much. I feel badly for the young man, then 18, who had to watch his mother sleep on the couch for months. I feel badly for the young man who went off to college for his first year, unable to concentrate and unable to feel happiness. I feel badly for the young man who drank his problems away for 3 years. I feel badly for the young man who was so misguided and torn by hatred that he couldn't see, that he drank heavily one night and drove to his childhood home to confront his father about his past...with his fists. I feel badly for the young man who has spent most of his adult life lost, looking and terrified. I feel badly for the young man whose own father told him he once thought he had no hope for him. I feel badly for the young man who still struggles, almost every day. I feel badly for the young man who never once has totally given up, and that young man is me.

I have a whole lot to feel bad about, yes, but that can't be all there is for me. I have come so far this past year, having been sober for an entire year, going back to college and earning good grades and continuing to mend the past with my father so that we may have a better future. It just isn't enough, though, when there is so much grief on your mind much of the time, so much past anguish and fear brought from the depths of your mind to the very forefront of your conscious.

I wish to not be on so much cymbalta and abilify, and maybe more of the wellbutrin, but in hydrobromide SR form. I wish to not feel like months, if not years of my life have been misplaced. I want to feel the inner fire of passion in me once again. I am entirely too sick of feeling such misery, or feeling nearly nothing at all. I don't need to feel the greatest, no, but I would like to feel more like a human and less like someone going through the motions of life without actually living it.

Vyvanse has been my biggest ally in all the positive changes I have gone through this past 365+ days. I do suspect, though, that there may be avoidant personality disorder or limbic ADHD at work here. There might be something I haven't even considered as well. Whatever the case, I am asking for help and thoughts on the matter as to what I should do next. I am far too tired of life the way it has been going, even if it is a major improvement compared to former times. =/
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