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Old 06-09-05, 12:34 AM
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meadd823 meadd823 is offline
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For example, it might be much easier for me to be detached from overdraft fees in the checking account if my partner and I have separate checking accounts. ?
I am gathering your partner has a hard time with money management!!! Have you two sat down and talked about how his over draft fees is a problem for you, along with "ways" to prevent this over draft thing from happening??? Is your partner some one who will listen and cooperate???? If not then I would definatly get seperate checking accounts!!!

I go bonkers if I "bounce" a check!!!!! I hate paying out unnecessary expenses, especially sinse you get nothing in return!!!!! I have had to keep seperate accounts for this very reason. I have rarly been fortunate enough to meet and live with a man who could manage money and a checking account. If they have checks they seem to think that means they have money!!! Sooo they can pay thier own stupid over draft fees. I will try to handle the situation nicely, but if the "problem" continues (which it usually does) I seperate the finances, and keep a seperate savings and checking account. I personally prefer NOT to have my name on there account because if it is that still menas I am responsible for fees and THAT drives me more bonkers!!!!!

I come from a cultural expectation that when you get married, your merge everything,?
Merge every thing culture expectation Hmmmm. Would this be the same as share a life together????

I am highly allergic to grass, I can not mow the grass and we live on almost an acher of land. This huge "task" has become Gary's part of the house hold chores. Should he shuck the responsibility then he can deal with complaints of neighbors or fees imposed by the city. I do my part and expect him to do the same. When he shucks his part then I do what I can to allow him to face the consequences ALONE!!!! Gary on the other hand is "allergic" to dishes and washing machines. These are my part of our house hold duties.

We both live here and it is both our responsibility to keep the place livible however we have found it to be more effecient and productive if he does certain things I do other things, ,and a couple of the clean up task we do together. Some times he will do dishes for me (but it is a rarity) I will pick up trash or sticks in the yard before he mows (this too is a rarity)

Money Gary prefers to handle the money, which is okay by me as long as he handles it productively. It will be okay with me as long as I maintain an equal opnion when it comes to major purchases, and monthly expenses. Gary used to handle both the money and the "books" he did the filing. However his filing was basically piling. When ever we need to find a reciet or contract it was a two day ordeal. THIS drove me NUTS, what could possible be so hard about filing things in some sort of logical order. I want to be able to access any reciet, document in UNDER a MONTH.

Gary was unable to keep paper work organized and easily accessable. If we needed to find a document that was HIS problem. I would help if I had the time (I would not sacrafice my responsibilities, or personal computer/hobby either) I helped until I lost interest (avarage attention span of five minutes) We are self employeed good record keeping can become important. He would try to "blame me" or manipulate me into feeling guilty for not wanting to help. I pegged him immediatly. He want to keep all the business records in a pile because he always has them that way (opposed to keeping them in a file by date or catagory) fine he can dig through the piles like he did before I came!!!! I refused to feel guily because a grown man choose to file a certain way and now has to deal with his personal choice!!!!

I kept my presonal records seperate shortly after we began working together. After about a year Gary asked if I could keep the records accociated with our business. Sinse I have as much to benefit from good business record keeping I agreed to keep the business records in exchage for relief from other duties associated with our business. Gary still keeps records that pretain to him only. Like his truck insurance, drivers license renewal ect....

Sharing a life does not mean you both have to share each and every task. As long as you are both equally responsible then who does what should be what ever works for the two of you!!!!

The key NEGIOATE, each do what you as people are best suited to do. Culture expectations may not accurately reflect your individual strengths and weakness.If you are better with money then handle the money. If your partner has a problem with you handling all the finances then divide the bills fairly. He become responsible for his assigned bills and you become responsible for yours. What is wrong with that????!!!!

Sharing a life to me means sharing responsibility, how this is done should depend on the couples abilities and preferences!!!

and the thought of doing that with my man really frightens me, because there are possible outcomes that would make this whole detachment thing that much harder.?
Okay why does it frighten you??? The hardest part of the "detachment" thing would be to aviod rescueing some one who is irresponsible??? If you work together and are able to be honest and open with your selves and eachother arrange things so they work for you then rescueing should be kept to a minum!!!!!

Rescueing becomes a problem when one partner is not honest with them selves/ the other person/ doesn't want to carry an equal part in the work portion/ suffer consequences of personal choices. Some folks may not know how to do these things but if they are truly interested in making a life with you then they will be willing to make an attempt at learning!!!

So I try to imagine a different where there is much less merging. Is this making sense? Anyone have any practical suggestions?

A partnership of any variety requires both parties to share the responsibility. Sharing may entail division of some details and task. Remember you are a partner not a parent. Most healthy couple have things they do they do seperately, these things include chores hobbys and even activities. They also have parts of their life they share with eachother. Healthy partnerships mean healthy individual boundaries and mutual respect of such boundaries. Your boundaries are as individual as you are.

Maybe looking at what each of you expects from this relationship and what each person is willing to "bring to the table" may help you two find possible causes of conflict. Remember to keep things specific non-blaming and free of drama!!!!

Good luck!!!!!

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Last edited by meadd823; 06-09-05 at 12:58 AM.. Reason: pour smelling
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