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Old 06-09-05, 01:33 AM
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Ian Ian is offline
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letting go of the cheque book

As with most things, it's not in the "getting it" so much as in the practise. All go and no show!

I did not tackle the big things first. I tackled the smallest things I could imagine, to acquaint myself with the "practise".

I would identify anything I could grasp. I started by trying to identify some small thing that was eating at me, like a particular person in a meeting that just bugged me to look at them. Any time I was being selfish, irritable or discontent, I had an opportunity to let go. I was all of those things often enough to completely obliterate any gratitude for any of the good things in life.

Lately it's been focused on the flylady.net site and her attitude to taking responsibility and avoiding blame. I think she's got the train on the tracks that woman!

I've taken over the groceries, dishes, laundry and you know, I'm a whole lot happier, and I get a cleaner house and look Mum! No missing socks!

I can't say for you where your beginning would be. I don't know that anyone can pick the points you have available to jump onto the gratitude bus.

I do know that PU became willing to do "anything" to regain some sanity in her life. She stopped blaming me. She began to take responsibility for what was within her power and began to relinquish control of those things she was powerless in.

Cheque books and finances must be very difficult. If he insists on maintaining control over these things maybe you should get a job. If you are a woman with no clout financially you are enslaved and powerless over your life. I suggest all women should consider Independence in this respect.

It may be possible to talk your way into making sense to him about how much more effective it would be if you could manage the funds. Allowing him flexibility while maintaining your sensible management might work if you can sell it to him.

If worst comes to worst you may have to be willing to let it all go down the toilet in hopes of him seeing the light. That sounds extreme but that's what PU did. She had the money but she certainly did not continue to prop up the marriage and became quite willing to allow it to fall completely apart even though that was the last thing she wanted. She had let go of any expectation of successful resolution to the troubles entirely. I believe this is what finally got through to me. I could not see it until she no longer actually "needed" to be together. She wanted to be together but she no longer needed it.

It really helps to meet with others in the same shoes as you. A support group is a great help. It's where I found my "elders" who had walked the road before me and were willing to share their stories for me to see myself in reflection.

I think you've answered your own question to some degree in being "less merged". I'd sure like to hear the updates.
Cheers!

Quote:
Originally Posted by farmgirl
Ian, thanks for a really thought-provoking article. This is something I'm really trying to work out for myself right now.

I'm new to these forums, a non-ADD partner of an ADD man.

Here's a question - I *get* the detaching thing (doesn't mean I don't struggle to do it!) but I'm wondering, what are some physical, practical measures folks have taken to detach. Like, one situation I'm thinking of is the checkbook, the finances...shared things in a shared household. For example, it might be much easier for me to be detached from overdraft fees in the checking account if my partner and I have separate checking accounts. I come from a cultural expectation that when you get married, your merge everything, and the thought of doing that with my man really frightens me, because there are possible outcomes that would make this whole detachment thing that much harder. So I try to imagine a different paradigm...one where there is much less merging. Is this making sense? Anyone have any practical suggestions?
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A: Yes.
>Q: Are you sure?
>>A: Because it reverses the logical flow of conversation.
>>>Q: Why is top posting frowned upon?

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