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Old 06-09-05, 11:56 AM
farmgirl farmgirl is offline

Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Nebraska
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If worst comes to worst you may have to be willing to let it all go down the toilet in hopes of him seeing the light. That sounds extreme but that's what PU did. She had the money but she certainly did not continue to prop up the marriage and became quite willing to allow it to fall completely apart even though that was the last thing she wanted. She had let go of any expectation of successful resolution to the troubles entirely. I believe this is what finally got through to me. I could not see it until she no longer actually "needed" to be together. She wanted to be together but she no longer needed it.
Wow. That's exactly where I am right now. I want to be with him, but I've let go (or TRYING to let go) of expecting a successful resolution. We've pushed the "pause" button on the movie that is our Relationship. It's so sad. But it's the clearest action I've taken in a long time. I'm financially independent, in fact, have been the breadwinner for us, so it hasn't been an issue of control for him, more like me trying to figure out how to not get my credit involved with his money issues. Not only to not "bail him out" but to keep my credit record clean. Let his consequences be his own.

And, yes, getting it and the practice are sooooooo vastly different. Theoretical and applied science.

There have been some ways in which we have naturally fallen into our distinct strengths, which is what I think I hear you saying, Tammy, about you and Gary. For instance, he is much better at playing with the kids (his daughter and mine) while I am better at the schedules (eating, bedtime, etc). Together, we create a nice balance...he can take the rambunxious behavior, be totally playful and rowdy with them but *never* keeps them on a schedule. I'm good with that stuff, but not as playful. So in that regard, we have a value for each other's skills, and have "departmentalized."

But as you say
The hardest part of the "detachment" thing would be to aviod rescueing some one who is irresponsible???
and I have been pulled to do that in many situations. It's that inability to "detach" within the situation that has led me to detach from the relationship.

Luckily, we've always been really good at talking to each other, so I feel really comfortable being part of his life in a compassionate listening kind of way, but I've made a boundary around any romantic interactions. I have to work really hard to be clear with MYSELF about those boundaries.

So we'll see. All these experiences are teaching me, and hopefully making me a better human.
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