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Old 11-09-05, 11:45 AM
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Joyous56 Joyous56 is offline
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Detachment is scary because it can mean that we might lose the relationship if we stop taking care of things the other person should be responsible for.

Reading about co-dependency has made me realize that I was trying to control people in my life because I thought I had to in order to 'earn' or 'keep' or even 'be worthy' of the relationship. I had to learn to detach from outcomes, and to focus on my self, and my responsibility to myself and my own personal growth. And I had to take the risk that once I stopped managing things for someone else, they might not need me anymore and not want me enough to stay with me.

By control, I not only had to stop doing things for that person, but I had to stop trying to figure out what I needed to do, how I needed to behave, in order to get whatever outcome I wanted. I wouldn't bring up things that needed discussing because I didn't want an arguement. I wouldn't do things I wanted to do because the other person might think I was being selfish. I would weigh my words, and agonize about actions because I desperately needed to know, and have control over, the outcome, or the response from the other person.

In my case, it came from having a crazy mother who was unpredictable in her behavior and responses to me. So I was always trying to figure out her mood, and what I needed to do to avoid her wrath. It was a survival strategy that became a bad habit; not knowing better, I thought that one needed to do this in all relationships. It was what I had to do to take care of myself. Eventually I didn't know who my 'self' was, what my feelings really were, or what my legitimate needs were.

Detachment is so liberating! Detaching with love allows me to focus on the love I feel, not on trying to figure out what the other person feels.
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