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Old 06-23-18, 07:18 PM
mind_in_orbit mind_in_orbit is offline

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Re: Any women here with zero relationship experience

Originally Posted by LyrinMeow View Post
You are looking for a person that is most likely damaged in some way but you don't want to deal with that part. You want a play date.
There are multiple different kinds of "damaged" (more like "different", really)--in fact at the highest level I would divide the general category into two broad sub-categories. Namely, on one hand those that lead to experiencing greater interpersonal complexity earlier than normal (loosely described as "more exposure to the world"), and on the other hand those that lead to narrower or mostly absent social contacts to an age LATER than normal.

The former would include having emotionally absent parents, spending a lot of time in day care, witnessing bitter divorces or even domestic violence, and at the extreme being born to homeless parents.

The latter would include being homeschooled, being autistic in some cases, being intellectually delayed, having grown up with medical illnesses that required spending long periods of time in the hospital, etc. These people aren't "broken" in the same sense as the former category, but may reach adulthood having never had much social contact outside the family, which can lead to social adjustment issues if they finally develop an interest in peers/sexual relationships in early adulthood.

Metaphorically, the latter grew up in interpersonal "silence" or "sensory deprivation" (either other- or self-caused), the former grew up interpersonally overwhelmed. The former may see themselves as older than their age, while the latter, if self-aware enough, may still see themselves as children (the less self-aware won't notice this, but others will tend to see them as "reacting like children" to things).

Originally Posted by LyrinMeow View Post
I doubt you want someone to say to you "Oh you have a mental illness? I don't want to deal with that. Peace."
There's a difference between not rejecting someone with a mental illness as "weird", and being not in a position or wanting to "take care of" that mental illness. The former is a kind of openness or lack of disgust, if you will--it's a matter of not judging people as "less" for being "not normal" or for "being different". The latter is a matter of feeling (or not) in a position to deal with the issues that a mentally ill person may have have getting by in the real world.

Kids on the playground, when picking on someone different (who may have a developmental difference, a mental illness, or any of a number of other things), that is the former. Kids don't have to cover medical bills of other kids, or find schools that will accept them, worries like that never cross their minds. In that sense, I'm very accepting of difference, including most if not all forms of neurodiversity. When I read about what certain neurodiverse people experience, I look at it the way that I look at a trip report I read on a place like Erowid--I don't look at it as a "wrong" way of experiencing, but see the beauty in it.

The other kind of rejection, though--since I myself have difficulty at times living in the real world without the help of more "worldly" adults, I wouldn't pretend to be able to be able to protect a neurodiverse person from the real world. Trying to take that role would not only be draining on me, it would be unfair to the girl herself, who could receive much better help from family and/or professionals.

That doesn't mean I haven't helped lower-functioning people as best I could. Like a few years ago I took a somewhat-above-nonverbal autistic young adult I knew to a county fair. It felt in some ways like babysitting a kid, in that he kept disappearing and I'd have to look around to find him again. I wouldn't want to do it full-time, but if it helped him go out and experience something, I have no regrets doing it. It's not like I had to find a job for him or anything like that, though. Just today in an autism-spectrum group I go to, some people were talking about how to help a lower-functioning group member communicate.

So the way to best describe it is, I'm looking for a playmate because the kind of girl I'm looking for, that would be the stage of her interpersonal development. I didn't play with other kids as a kid, so I'm still looking to do that at my age--young adults who grew up interacting with other kids may all be "over" that stage. It's not that I wouldn't support her--if she has arguments with her parents or whatever, or difficulties with her life I'd be willing to listen (and of course hope that she would do the same, to her ability). But I'm looking for someone to live with me in the same rather sheltered environment I've always lived in--not someone I would shelter from the world, or who would shelter me from the world. I suspect as I get older, I will eventually want a kind of replacement mother figure who will take over that role, it's just not a priority now. Now I want a playmate, because I didn't have that growing up. It was by choice, not because I was bullied or anything, but now that I'm ready for it I'm having difficulty finding one, at least a female one.
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