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Old 08-06-08, 03:50 AM
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reesah reesah is offline
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Re: What's ASPD like?

I'm not a narcissist, as I dislike personal attention and the curiosity of others.

I'm not schizoid, because I can smile, and deal with people well in person. I see social things as a chore but not as a problem.

I don't fear people or have social anxiety. I dislike people because they are mostly boring. They worry about pointless things. I feel superior most of the time and it can be tiring to dumb it down for so long.

This sounds harsh and I usually don't say anything like that, even if pressed. I'd never let anyone in my real life, or who knew me, know that I think that way of them.

No point.

I've also read a lot about the "women-borderline, men-antisocial" thing. and I disagree. I think that men get caught, more often, because they are more violent/physical. I think that most studies on us are carried out by police or criminal law professionals, and of course those sort of studies will not have many female subjects.

I think women with aspd are just less visible. Harder to believe in. Like an evil unicorn

here's the thing about the callousness. I can either be completely honest and say that I do not care, or I can care about how someone will react and tell them I care. It's up to the people I speak with here, whether they want my honesty and diretness or my kindness. I reserve most of my callous meanness for my own threads about my own internal feelings.

I don't need to go out of my way to be unkind. I know how to "play human". I've managed to live to my 30s without ever having been arrested, forced into rehab or psychological therapy, or any other form of getting "caught". Why would it be so difficult to put on the same kind front here?

I guess it is hard sometimes especially here, to be playing the game of feelings. because I am here to learn to change some things about myself, and to be honest...something I rarely do, about myself.

If I am going to be open and honest and vulnerable, I can't pretend to be caring. If I lie, I'm kind but not real. I go back and forth as the situation demands. I do not want to hurt anyone here or lose the resource of posting here. So I have personal, selfish motivation for being polite and friendly.

If I want something or can get something out of it, I won't endanger that thing.

Does this make any sense? Clarify anything for you?

I can like people but if they want to confront me or "catch" me, I drop them. I don't really rely on social things for my vision of myself. What other people think doesn't matter enough to me to give me social anxiety.

Hope that helps some.

edit: social things are a chore I avoid, the same way I avoid doing the dishes.
sunday morning I'm waking up,
can't even focus on a coffee cup
don't even know whose bed I'm in,
where do I start, where do I begin?
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