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Old 05-27-19, 03:58 PM
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LSgallusgallus LSgallusgallus is offline

Join Date: May 2019
Location: Roden, Drenthe, Netherlands
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hello and some rambling

(i'm seeing the preview now and dayum it is long. i think i understand why teachers despised having to revise my tests in high school)

Hello everyone,

My name is L.S and I am 20 years old. I was diagnosed with ADHD last april, pretty recently. i guess i'll just tell you my "story". (wow i'm bad at these forum things)

I started university in 2017 and am now studying animal sciences in Wageningen in the Netherlands (the best agriculture university in the world (not doing agriculture but bragging about it anyway)). I love the animal sciences course and am enjoying myself A LOT. The choice for animal sciences was an impulsive one, like many in my life. 'I like animals and this is something with animals so it should be fine.'

I've always made decisions based on how i feel in the moment, i don't have plans for the future and i'll see where my choices lead me. You could call it impulsive but I enjoy being open to a lot of things and knowing i'll be able to do something I like in most fields i'll find myself in. No expectations no disappointment, open options.

However as soon as is started living by myself characteristics that i'd always been proud of vanished in a matter of days. I thought i was organized, turned out i am not. I thought i could plan well, i cannot. Thought i was always on time, i am not. I thought I was someone who had their sh*t together, i definitely do not. (If my mom was still alive i'd have a lot to thank her for)

I started describing myself as a chaos to my friends, because i felt like one. I was spinning out of orbit circling farther and farther away from myself. I joked that now that i had started uni i was becoming infected by all the scatterbrained, crazy scientists. I forgot cards, keys, wallets. you name it I've probably forgotten it somewhere somehow. i walked out of the house without putting on shoes every once in a while, i own 7 towels for the gym as every time i forgot one i needed to buy a new one until my friend started bringing one extra. I always joked about these things but slowly i started becoming a caricature of myself.

However whenever i forgot something it actually hurt, i didn't hurt other peoples feelings but mainly my own. 'how could i have been so stupid as to forget someones birthday' 'they must think i don't care very much about them if I've asked this question five times today already'.

During lectures I truly tried my hardest to keep my attention on the lecturer and when i found i finally had managed to pull through pretty well friends would joke saying i was constantly distracted.

I talked about how i felt in a lighthearted and joking manner to one of my friends but she sent back a serious message telling me 'get yourself checked out, if you don't have ADD i don't know who does.' 'you're a perfect example' she told me. I laughed it off but did start to get interested in the subject. I fell into a few google rabbit holes and found myself astounded by how accurate almost every symptom list and description was to my experience.

But I also know how hurtful it can be to someone with something like ADHD when everyone around them says things like 'I do that too' 'I have that too' 'Ooh that's so ADHD of you'. I didn't want to make light of something that was such a serious issue for so many. joking can make a heavy subject more bearable and i love comedians that can ridicule heavy subjects in such a way that makes them a little easier to discuss. but with mental disorders often times people will stop taking people with a diagnosis seriously as everyone is calling themselves one thing or another. Jokes quickly end up making fun of other people and disregarding their issues instead of coming from a place of lighthearted self-mockery. I love people who are able to laugh at or criticize themselves but laughing at someone else and making fun of someone else quickly ends up being plain hurtful. I did not want to be the person claiming to be something, to deal with something I did not know anything about. I did not want to be that person ignorantly spouting statements about myself not realizing how this could make others feel like they weren't taken seriously. For this reason I wrote of my own feelings of recognition as normal and told myself someone with actual ADD or ADHD would struggle with these things 10 fold to what i was experiencing. (What can is say, i am a true master in the art of overthinking)

However once my brain had grabbed onto the idea it refused to let go. the whole thing would not stop circling my mind for days and i was unable to turn it of. i felt like i become obsessed with an idea and no matter how hard i tried to forget it, my brain had grabbed onto the concept of me having ADD and it needed answers.

Eventually i gave in and got myself checked out. i was scared to death of telling my dad and brother and some friends that i was going to test myself and the diagnosis coming back negative. I was scared of people thinking i was exaggerating my problems. Maybe because these days everyone puts their own problems on a scale next to yours. Being pitiful, tired, stressed, busy etc. has become somewhat of a contest.

If you ask me this 'i have it worse than you do' mentality is so extremely harmful. It takes away from your individual experience. Whatever i and someone else experience may not be the same thing but it is possible that in our minds it occupies the same space. The worst thing in my life is at the absolute top of bad things that happened to me and it is at the top of my 'bad list'. Someone else will also have something at the top of their list. to them it will be the worst they have ever experienced just like my top subject was for me. It doesn't matter if a parent or a dog died. For two individuals each can be experienced as 'the worst'. I think it's unfair to tell someone with a dead dog their experience is of lower value than someone with a dead parent. 'My worst is worse than your worst' caused me to undermine my own feelings, because as a kid i quickly learnt from my friends that whatever i was going through, they had i worse. When I realized the scale i hated was keeping me from making a decision i wanted to i booked the appointment.

This is where we are now. Diagnosed ADHD, not just ADD like i thought but also hyperactivity. Looking back the H is quite obvious. The need to do SOMETHING always was something that triggered people close to me. Friends that wanted to meet up during holidays were amazed at all the projects i was able to pull out of my *** during six weeks and at how much i undertook. But i guess i thought i wasn't enough of an obnoxious running and yelling 4 year old boy for the H.

Oops i realize i've been rambling. Honestly being short-spoken is not one of my strong suits and i'll finish up my introduction here. there are a thousand things more to me like how i love baking and horse riding, despise grasshoppers, have a highly intelligent younger brother, can't stand the taste of pineapple etc.
20 years of things is a lot of things i guess. Please feel free to talk to me, ask questions and whatever. i'd love to meet some people to talk with on here and i don't mind getting a bit phylosophical I'm new to both ADHD and forums on the internet so please don't be too hard on me if i get certain things wrong or don't understand something.

anyways, it's super nice to meet you all
Just about anything looks better from a distance - Haruki Murakami

Last edited by namazu; 05-27-19 at 06:56 PM.. Reason: Added some additional paragraph breaks for easier reading.
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