Thread: She left
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Old 05-10-18, 05:04 AM
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Re: She left

Originally Posted by CharlesH View Post
I think she's being ridiculous. Sometimes the best way to de-escalate drama is to simply not put up with it. If she can't even be in the same room with you for a professional family therapy session, then how can she handle actually living with you?
Exactly and we are not putting up with it. The therapist has been amazing. When she texted her dad the first time we got in though with the therapist (alexa) and she said rule #1 was not to answer her right away- wait a day and talk about what to say first- and try and see her motivation. In this case-last night in therapy- we all came to the conclusion that she was striking the weakest link- my husband and her sister. Not that my husband is weak but she knows she is hurting him so much and that he is most likely to bend if we didnt have the support of the therapist. She isnt contacting me because she saw I was beyond cool as a cucumber and that I was seeing through her.

The only minor compromise I would make would be to give her the option of attending the first half of the family therapy session by herself, so that she can give the therapist her side of the story. Afterwards, she can decide to leave, or she can stay. If she stays, then both you and your husband will be there. If she doesn't attend further family sessions, then she is making the decision to remain alienated from further family contact.
She knows this is her option as she saw the therapist we see twice on her own before blowing off her life. We chose this therapist because she had seen her before and she is great and I am glad we see her now.

Don't let her sap your energy. Don't let her keep manipulating and dividing your family. As far as I can tell, you're not an evil mother. If Becca thinks you're evil, then why is she even contemplating returning home? So clearly, she does not think you're evil. Thus, Becca should be willing to at least allow you to be present during the family therapy session.
I have gotten to the point where I feel anger- but healthy anger. Not the yelling resentful kind but the kind where I wont take any crap. I am in it for the long haul. Last night we were trying to figure out what her motivation was for contacting and wanting to see just her dad and sister. We came to the conclusion that she knew how the last meeting with the sister F'd her sister up. She wants something but I dont think its because she wants to come home. Our theory is she wants to strike out at us and get a reaction- one that we havent given her before. I think she expected more drama than there is. We took the car back and I went to the school and that was it. We have left her alone and in a way we think that makes her mad- maybe sad but that the need to hurt us is still there.
We wondered last night if she needed something from the house- more of her stuff or something important. We changed the lock combo so because she already broke in once before we did that and we cant trust her.

I'm not even a part of your family, and this Becca drama is driving me nuts! I can't begin to imagine how this must have impacted you. You're allowed to have your own physical and mental health needs. Sure, sometimes we all need to compromise a bit, but ultimately if it doesn't feel right deep inside, then just put your foot down.
I wish this made sense. She was a good kid, had overcome some mental health issues and was a straight A student. She had a good job and right before she left we went prom dress shopping. It hit us like a ton of bricks when she took off and she knows its killing us. How I would be satisfied if I could just go over where she is staying and let her have it...but it wouldnt change anything and it would give her satisfaction to know she has interrupted our Chi this much.

What we learned in Eureka fashion last night was that we missed and overlooked signs.. she has always been dishonest but it was more like stretching the truth rather than destroying it. She has always had to have all the attention and the more negative the better. Her sister got to share with us that she felt like we didnt see her side of it or the truth earlier and that she knew her in a more intimate way then us- I apologized for not giving Ella ( the sister) more attention and not responding in a way that was more proactive. I guess I figured because we are so pro-mental health and got her help through inpatient treatment and doctors etc that we were doing all the right things. We just didnt realize that she was running the family and that Ella was hanging by a thread. I am devastated inside over this and we worked on hearing Ella last night and making amends the best we could. Our new tradition is what I call "therapy water ice". We go get water ice at the local creamery when we get done.

What kills us, our family and anyone who hears the story is how good she had it, we never hit our kids, and we didnt even ground them-we took stuff away when the time called for it and they were always respectful. She had it awesome here. All her friends thought she had really good parents and used to tell her she was lucky. She had gotten to a point where we had thought we had turned the corner and then everything blew up. She fooled me that's for sure.
Do I think she needs help and her medication? Yes. But she chose this and she knows how close of a family we are and she is still doing it. She is acting selfish and entitled and I am done feeling bad about missing something or like I did something wrong. What I did was let her overshadow the needs of her sister and she needs us and our protection now.
President of the No F's given society.

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CharlesH (05-10-18), finallyfound10 (05-10-18), Lunacie (05-10-18)