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Old 09-04-17, 11:45 PM
Maxi King Maxi King is offline
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The struggle of connection..

For anyone that may care to read.. If you have input, I'd love to hear it.

Spending time alone, for one reason or another, strikes fear in the hearts of many. After all, we’re naturally social animals. I know during my late teens and early twenties, I did everything I could to avoid spending time alone despite that I was alone most of the time. I was constantly running away from my racing thoughts. I racked up social circles, generally with the wrong crowds, and spent my nights drinking, partying, doing drugs, sleeping around, and “living life”. This fast life quickly ran out of gas as I discovered later that it’s not very fulfilling. I’m now 26 years old, have a million phone numbers, 1200 “friends” linked through Facebook, 400 followers on Instagram, though on a Saturday night I could spend half an hour shuffling through my phone book with hopes of finding one person I could call and go out with to have any fun. 9/10 I spend my nights and weekends alone, tinkering, spinning techno in my bedroom, playing computer games, and listening to the white noise in my head. To be honest, I rarely spend time with anyone anymore.

I have become quite accustomed to solitude and the racing speed of my own wandering mind. An endless playback of fragmented cyclical thoughts popping in and out with little to no external stimuli from where they originate. It has become a white noise I have tamed into a relative place of comfort... 80% of the time. And to accomplish a level of control was by no means an easy feat. Motivated by the desire for inner peace, I have spent countless hours in and out of psychotherapy, reading self-help novels, trying new methods and techniques, practicing coping mechanisms, pinpointing and dealing with previous life experiences which have been cause for concern, developing hobbies and personal interests, moving iron in the gym with noticeable gains and improved flexibility, dieting, and creating an identity that I can be happy with. Withdrawn to myself, I feel totally confident and fine, albeit a slight something feels like its missing. And while these efforts have brought a level of control to my erratic and restless thoughts, the second I stand in front of a person(s) of interest, the self-deprecation starts.

I feel the need to prove my worth. Furthermore, I generally overexert myself with similar expectations from others when trying to form relationships. Without fail, my expectations are crushed because of their impracticality, and I fall into a deep and generally short lasting acute depression which further amplifies the self-deprecation. This is where I introduce you to the remaining 20%. This is when my thoughts spiral out of control, and I quickly become my own worst enemy... A torture I wouldn’t wish upon anybody. It didn’t take long for me to understand that I had amassed such a large network of people and booty calls while unmedicated and generally uninhibited under the influence. I have found myself back to where I started in my young adulthood, albeit medicated with an older perspective and healthier relationship with my erratic thoughts. Conversations feel like reading from monologues. They’re totally exhausting, unnatural, and my inability to connect with anyone is really beginning to take a toll on my emotional health.

My current feelings are analogous to recognizing wrong doing, feeling genuine remorse, and accepting punishment… but the punishment is never ending despite feeling as though I’ve served my time. Now, I neither mean to convey the idea that I feel as though there is a final solution and end to self-improvement nor do I feel as though my inadequacies are any sort of punishment. Somewhere we’re all dealt a **** hand down the line, such is life. What I mean to convey are genuine feelings of disappointment because despite my endless efforts to accept me for who I am, develop self-confidence, invest time into my personal interests, be kind to my body, and grow into a man... none of these actions seem to translate any quantifiable progress into social growth. I feel like I’m years behind my peers in that department. I ******* tend bar for a living, and I can’t seem to approach someone and happily introduce myself without an immediate reprisal of self-deprecation, doubt, and fear of rejection. God forbid we introduce a crush into the picture. Talking to women turns self-doubt into self-hatred. And despite my best efforts to emulate confident body language, posture, and expressions. Well, it doesn’t take long to see through it.

In short, I’m an introverted nerd. I’m proud of my interests and technical skill. I like spending time alone gaming, tinkering, drawing, making music. But I so badly want a companion to some degree… A friendship with commonalities, similar interests, feelings of equality in a couple points in life. Society teaches us to find comfort in our own shoes, and people shouldn’t matter. The only people you need are family, and your own person... and that’s true to a point. But I’m not close with my family and never will be due to childhood experiences. My only friend with really anything in common is 25 years older than me, and another who lives 500 miles away. I have absolutely nothing in common with any of my other friends. My efforts to make new friends to maybe one day find that companionship I seek are continually thwarted by my own self-doubt, despite doing everything in my power to gain confidence. I’ve been fighting tooth and nail, putting in the work, and picking myself up time and time again after relentlessly getting kicked in the teeth by rejection from my peers, having my over extensions of kindness exploited, laughed at, been everyone’s joke through embarrassing attempts of trying to fit in. and now I’m at a point in which I have run out of words. I don’t know how else to depict my frustrations. I know the only answer I’m going to get is... “Just keep trying!” I just wonder sometimes when does trying cross the line into a fool’s errand... Or maybe that’s once again self-deprecation speaking for me.

I don’t feel entitled to anyone’s love or affection. And I’m fighting really ******* hard for the love from my own self. But how can anyone ever love me if they aren’t given the chance because I can’t overcome the obstacles to properly articulate myself. For once, just once I would love nothing more than to exchange “Hey [Insert Name]!” and a few awkward sentences with that cute girl in my thermo class. I think I would be so riddled with excitement I would shed tears of pure joy walking away from it… Maybe one day... I just want a glimpse of progress because that endless path feels like it’s getting longer.




Anyway, I’ll just keep fighting the good fight…
Ja ne.

Last edited by Maxi King; 09-04-17 at 11:47 PM.. Reason: Formatting
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