my life is broken please help

[spacecadet1111]

My parents moved to America to give us a better future. My dad took a job as a construction worker while my mom cleaned houses to earn money and provide us a good life. They sent me to a good school in NY suburbs where I could take advantage of an American education. On the weekends, we would go exploring different areas – such as Albany, NYC, Hartford. We would always go to museums and once even drove down to Florida to go to Disney World and Miami Beach.

I always took everything for granted and wanted things they could not provide. I never told the truth about my life and was embarrassed of my parents. They gave me everything they could. I played piano and my mom would pay an extraordinary high rate for piano lessons – which I never practiced for. I’m by nature a slacker, never planned ahead and just end up a mess. In high school I had a time period where I was very determined and put effort in to my school. I was a leader in student clubs, held a job, earned good marks and as a result was accepted in to a highly prestigious college.

My sister never went away to college – she stayed home, helped my parents, and worked almost a full time job. I was eager to be like everybody else and demanded to have the “college experience. My parents were deceived and were proud of me so they saved up money to send me to school. I had every opportunity and chose to spend most my time getting blackout, crying about my embarrassing stories and losing track of my work. I followed the dogma – what everyone else was doing and I guess I though it will all work out.

Somewhere during sophomore year – I discovered Adderall and the fact that you get just stay up one night and learn a semester worth of material. I invested as much as I could to get this easy way out drug. The sad part is my free time was spent being hangover, upset and lazy and not forming friendships or becoming better in another area. Then my mom had some really bad health problems – and I just could not believe it and would not deal with it. I barely called her and left my sister to deal everything out. I continued to spent money, being irresponsible and not doing so great in school. I still had a pretty average GPA (thanks to those all-nighters) but I just felt bad for myself and wanted to be like everyone else.

I always dreamed of going away so I decided to study abroad – for the summer and the whole next semester. My parents funded the money for this and still believed in me and were proud of me. Sometimes I could not talk to them while I was away because I knew how selfish I was being. I didn’t even benefit or learn that much from being away. I started taking Adderall every day because I felt like something was wrong with me – I am spacy, irresponsible, can’t keep focus. I would cite it on stupid things like I can’t remember song lyrics but it was just a cop out.

I am in my last semester of college and am legitimately failing all my classes. I told my parents and they could not believe that I am a failure. They always trusted me and believed I would be successful and have a beautiful life and career. I hit the jackpot on being a bad person and disappointed my whole family and my self. I don’t even know what to do next - I need to step up but I screwed everything up so much I don’t know where to begin the building process.

If depression is real – I have it but I think it’s an excuse for being weak and confused. I never figured myself out – I was always eager to fit it and that is all I can think about. I just replay the past over and over and can’t focus on my work because I think I will never be able to fix the broken. fficeffice" />>>

[Fuzzy12]

Space cadet, I can relate. I struggle with feelings of guilt and they really drain all your energy and happiness out of you.

You are not a bad person. You didn't mean to disappoint your family or hurt anyone. It's good to take responsibility but try not to judge yourself in absolute terms. It seems like you genuinely want to change to make the people around you happier and to honour and appreciate the sacrifices they made to you.

It's good that you realise the problems you are having. That's the first step in solving them. I know it's overwhelming but try to take it gradually, step by step. Tackle one problem at a time. Be patient and kind with yourself. In the long run that will help both you and the people you care for. First get some proper treatment for your depression and ADHD. That will go a long way to help you with your other problems. You won't solve everything in a day. But that's ok.

Depression is real. I used to think that it's an excuse and beat myself up about not being able to deal with it without help. I'm now taking anti depressants and they are making a huge difference. I'm not sure if you are getting any treatment. If you are not then please see someone.

It's almost impossible to turn your life around without a little bit of help when you are depressed. Please trust me on this. I spent eight years being depressed but not getting any treatment. Eight painful and wasted years, which I'll never get back again. I used to brood a lot about the past. Wanting to change things that were impossible to change took up most of my time. Since starting on anti depressants I've stopped brooding. I still feel guilty about the things I've done wrong. I always will but now my mind is freed up for other things as well. I have stopped brooding and am now able to work on my future again.

Yes, you have made mistakes but based on your post, I wouldn't say that everything is lost. I'm sorry you are failing your classes. Have you spoken to an advisor at your university to ask if anything can be done? What are your alternatives? Are you interested in your course? If you are not then I think you might struggle especially if you've got ADHD. It might be worth looking at other careers where you can do better.

At the end of the day, the one thing that most parents want is to see their children happy. You are clearly not happy. If you can find a way to be happy, be it by getting treatment for your depression, by being kinder and more forgiving with yourself. If you can be happy with your life and yourself then I'm sure your parents will think that it was all worth it.

[pechemignonne]

Originally Posted by spacecadet1111

My parents moved to America to give us a better future. My dad took a job as a construction worker while my mom cleaned houses to earn money and provide us a good life. They sent me to a good school in NY suburbs where I could take advantage of an American education. On the weekends, we would go exploring different areas – such as Albany, NYC, Hartford. We would always go to museums and once even drove down to Florida to go to Disney World and Miami Beach. I always took everything for granted and wanted things they could not provide. I never told the truth about my life and was embarrassed of my parents. They gave me everything they could. I played piano and my mom would pay an extraordinary high rate for piano lessons – which I never practiced for. I’m by nature a slacker, never planned ahead and just end up a mess. In high school I had a time period where I was very determined and put effort in to my school. I was a leader in student clubs, held a job, earned good marks and as a result was accepted in to a highly prestigious college. My sister never went away to college – she stayed home, helped my parents, and worked almost a full time job. I was eager to be like everybody else and demanded to have the “college experience. My parents were deceived and were proud of me so they saved up money to send me to school. I had every opportunity and chose to spend most my time getting blackout, crying about my embarrassing stories and losing track of my work. I followed the dogma – what everyone else was doing and I guess I though it will all work out. Somewhere during sophomore year – I discovered Adderall and the fact that you get just stay up one night and learn a semester worth of material. I invested as much as I could to get this easy way out drug. The sad part is my free time was spent being hangover, upset and lazy and not forming friendships or becoming better in another area. Then my mom had some really bad health problems – and I just could not believe it and would not deal with it. I barely called her and left my sister to deal everything out. I continued to spent money, being irresponsible and not doing so great in school. I still had a pretty average GPA (thanks to those all-nighters) but I just felt bad for myself and wanted to be like everyone else. I always dreamed of going away so I decided to study abroad – for the summer and the whole next semester. My parents funded the money for this and still believed in me and were proud of me. Sometimes I could not talk to them while I was away because I knew how selfish I was being. I didn’t even benefit or learn that much from being away. I started taking Adderall every day because I felt like something was wrong with me – I am spacy, irresponsible, can’t keep focus. I would cite it on stupid things like I can’t remember song lyrics but it was just a cop out. I am in my last semester of college and am legitimately failing all my classes. I told my parents and they could not believe that I am a failure. They always trusted me and believed I would be successful and have a beautiful life and career. I hit the jackpot on being a bad person and disappointed my whole family and my self. I don’t even know what to do next - I need to step up but I screwed everything up so much I don’t know where to begin the building process. If depression is real – I have it but I think it’s an excuse for being weak and confused. I never figured myself out – I was always eager to fit it and that is all I can think about. I just replay the past over and over and can’t focus on my work because I think I will never be able to fix the broken. fficeffice" />>>

Sorry you're having a tough time.

If you have ADHD and/or depression and/or any other conditions, though, blaming yourself and feeling like a failure won't help.

It's hard when you feel like you've dissapointed the people who care about you. But if they really care about you, they will understand that you are struggling, not a bad person. You are not weak, if anything it takes more work to live with the conditions, so you are actually stronger.

[Bluerose]

I feel what you are going through is a normal part of life and growing up. We all come to a point in our life where we take stock. We take a real good look at our life and the people who got us to where we are and we feel a sadness that we didn’t live up to their expectations.

What happens now will be up to you. You can be thankful for everything you have or you can lament about all the things you don’t have.

One road will lead to self-acceptance, the other to regret and perhaps depression.

Take the road less travelled.

There is too much sadness and regret in the world already.

Best wishes for a wonderful future.