Concerned mom of 13YO son with ADHD

[maggiemae1]

I would appreciate any insight on resources for helping 13 year old son both academically, socially and from a discipline standpoint. I fear he is at risk of taking the wrong path as he struggles to succeed in school and struggles to make social connections with peers.

He was diagnosed with ADHD at age 3 (based on screening due to developmental delays - late talking, walking, sensory and gross motor skill issues, etc...) as well as at age 5 (re-screened based on issues in kindergarten - lack of ability to focus, disruptive, etc...). We tried a short stint on meds; however, it tended to blunt his personality and make him very aggressive. He seems to be struggling more as he gets older (particularly since we left the elementary school environment).

Unfortunately, the apple does not fall far from the tree as I have attention and organizational issues (not formally diagnosed). I am hoping to be directed to resources that help with discipline (does not respond to positive or negative reinforcement), organization (as we strive to equip him with tools to succeed in school) and any insight on therapies that work when dealing with ADHD in teens (concern that there may be underlying depression).

I feel like we are in a very pivotal period as we are seeing much more oppositional, deviate behavior and I fear that his lack of ability to connect socially will make him susceptible to falling in with the wrong crowd. Truly want to give him an opportunity to suceed in school, at home and with peers.

Sorry for the dump of info, but truly desperate for any guidance.
Thank you.

[Flory]

Hi maggie welcome to the forums
have you had any contact of late with psychological services/support. i feel this might be a great first step xxx

[Spacemaster]

Is he interested in anything that could be offered at the school as an extracurricular activity? Sports, drama, various clubs, etc. That may help with the social thing, as well as discipline. I had lots of social issues in school, and being involved in something really helped me. Snowboarding was great because I wasn't expected to be part of a team, but I still met people my own age. I see from your location that snowboarding probably isn't much of an option, but the idea is to join an activity.

[Ms. Mango]

Hi and welcome to the forums!

I would go back and have your son reassessed, reconsider medication and consider both individual and family counseling. It probably wouldn't hurt for you to be assessed as well. You sound like you're struggling with organizational issues as well--that's why I'm suggesting counseling for everyone. You might really benefit from an outsider's perspective. If you think you need help yourself allow someone to help you so you can, in turn, help your son.

Even with counseling, it will be very difficult to successfully introduce any kind of discipline or structure in an unmedicated child. Kids that age tend to be defiant quite naturally, but imposing a stricter, tougher environment on an unmedicated ADHD kid is likely to lead to ODD (oppositional defiant disorder).

It can take quite a bit of time to find the right medication and the correct dose, though, so don't feel like you have to throw in the towel if one or two don't work. Being medicated to the point that it blunts one's personality is usually the sign of a dose that's too high. Start at the lowest dose for any particular medication and work up from there if your DS is tolerating the med.

[Lillianmay]

Under the “sticky” section of the General Parenting Issues section of this forum are some very good threads, especially “Dizfriz”s corner” and “Russell Barkley’s 20 best tips.”

Also, if you are not familiar with them the Youtube video’s of Dr. Russell Barkley are helpful.

It is hard but important to remember that ADHD is a disability of performance, so ADHDers have the knowledge but can’t always use it. So, you may have given your son many tips and good advice on how to get along in life and are frustrated that he can’t seem to put these good plans into action. Hopefully, some of the above info will help you, but try not to get too frustrated about this.

I think that this causes much downhill behavior of teens – always feeling like you are doing something wrong – frustrated parents because they have told you good ideas about organization and being on time but you can’t get manage to consistently follow the plan.

For me, routine is very helpful.

Also, if your son is by nature introverted, don’t over push the social life. Joining a club or sport in an area of interest is a good idea.

[daveddd]

Originally Posted by maggiemae1

I would appreciate any insight on resources for helping 13 year old son both academically, socially and from a discipline standpoint. I fear he is at risk of taking the wrong path as he struggles to succeed in school and struggles to make social connections with peers.

He was diagnosed with ADHD at age 3 (based on screening due to developmental delays - late talking, walking, sensory and gross motor skill issues, etc...) as well as at age 5 (re-screened based on issues in kindergarten - lack of ability to focus, disruptive, etc...). We tried a short stint on meds; however, it tended to blunt his personality and make him very aggressive. He seems to be struggling more as he gets older (particularly since we left the elementary school environment).

Unfortunately, the apple does not fall far from the tree as I have attention and organizational issues (not formally diagnosed). I am hoping to be directed to resources that help with discipline (does not respond to positive or negative reinforcement), organization (as we strive to equip him with tools to succeed in school) and any insight on therapies that work when dealing with ADHD in teens (concern that there may be underlying depression).

I feel like we are in a very pivotal period as we are seeing much more oppositional, deviate behavior and I fear that his lack of ability to connect socially will make him susceptible to falling in with the wrong crowd. Truly want to give him an opportunity to suceed in school, at home and with peers.

Sorry for the dump of info, but truly desperate for any guidance.
Thank you.

What meds?

What other dx has he received. PDD nos?

Try a specialist. If it is a neurological issue. Medication is unfortunately the best option

Like someone else said. The zombie affect means the wrong meds or wrong dose

[RedHairedWitch]

ADHD kids mature much slower than their peers, especially emotionally and socially. The general rule is 30% behind. Imagine being 11 years old in your head, but having a 13 year old body (hormones and all) and 13 year old expectations placed upon you. Tough eh?

A lot of ADHD kids do better making friends outside of their age group. Try things where he can socialize with kids who are younger especially.

My Mom had us in volunteering and it was great. For one, different ages of kids to meet. It was structured, there was stuff to do, no having to figure out what to do. It was outside of school, an ADHD kid is often ostracized at school, making friends who don't see how you struggle in the classroom can be a big chance to blossom. Also, good kids volunteer, you don't find the "wrong crowd" volunteering at a local sporting event or local library!

Take him out people watching. TEACH him how to socialize. "Normal" kids learn these things by observing the world around them. ADHD kids have impaired observational skills. You have to actively teach him socal skills. Miss Manners (her books) has been my saviour more than once.

[JenE]

The poor behaviours may be due to his frustration over untreated ADHD. I agree with the suggestion to re-evaluate him and reconsider meds. A different med may work wonders for him or even the same med now that he is older and his brain has developed more.

[USAfamily1]

My DD is 17 and has severe ADHD. She is medicated and although it works well, it does not make her a "normal" child. ADHD has benefits as well as downsides. It is our job to teach them how to embrace the benefits and control the disadvantages. She is extremely smart although lacks the ability to organize and focus. We fought for her to be put on a modified IEP (Individualized Education Plan) in school which was also suggested in writing by her Dr's. This is not Special Education but accomodations for her ADHD in the normal classroom setting. I have listed below some of her accomodations. Our DD is a social butterfly. For her birthday a few years ago she had several different groups come that all hung out with their respective clicks at the skating rink and she bounced around from group to group. These people would never be seen hanging around with the other groups that showed up (jocks, gamers, skaters, cowboys, etc.) Yet she was not a part of any of the groups. Although she is social she is not necessarily accepted, she is tolerated. She does not pick up on social cues. Someone can look at her like "shut up" and unless they actually say it, she will keep on going.

Freshman year was the worste as she was so immature, hyper, and annoying to the older kids (this is medicated, I couldn't imagine unmedicated). She has since matured which has helped alot. She did start hanging out with some questionable kids and got a fowel mouth. We did not tell her she couldn't hang out with these kids, instead we used her strengths to pull her away from them. Most ADD/ADHD kids are extremely artistic. I bought her a guitar, drawing books, notebooks for writing stories, a camera, and books to read. She never wanted to leave the house. She found focus in the things that interested her. And she is so talented. This child taught herself how to play the piano, write novels, draw, takes photos, play soccer, write music, and breaks gaming records. Find his focus!

Volunteering is also a great suggestion. I didn't know my DD could be so amazingly good at this. She coached a young girls soccer team and was so great with the children and they all loved her so much. I never would have thought it would have worked with how she acted at home. She also volunteered at an assisted living center to play the piano but also found compassion in talking with the residents. I didn't know she could be so caring. It is amazing what they are capable of, but you have to let them go and give them the indipendance to take it on themselves. They are becoming adults

Accomodations DD has Requested:

1. I may become fidgety. I do not do this to disrupt the class, it is part of the hyperactivity that I am trying to control. It helps to get up and move around. Teachers have had me hand out assignments, warm up the choir, run errands, etc. when they notice that I am becoming fidgety.

2. If I am not my usual self (too hyper or very quiet) don’t be angry with me. You might want to ask if everything is alright. I may seem like I am always smiling but I really do struggle and my feelings are just as fragile as anyone else’s.

3. I don’t do well with teachers that expect me to sit down, shut up, and do my work. I will try! Although my mind just doesn’t work this way. I don’t always understand the assignment or instructions the 1^st time and I sometimes need clarification. Please bear with me as I may need to hear how to do something in more than one way. It might even be the 3^rd explanation that it finally clicks in my head. I do better in a more hands on or discussion/interaction type classroom environment.

4. I need routine. When things are changed up from the norm, I become agitated or overly hyper. I don’t want to react this way, but I do. Informing me in advance that there is going to be a substitute or we will be doing class in a different location or any other type of change from the normal classroom activity can help alleviate some anxiety. I do better with a detailed plan and knowing what you expect. If you should change plans in the middle to adapt to some outside influence, please help me to adapt. It may take me longer to adjust to the changes. Structure and guidance are my best allies.

5. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and unable to focus on anything. There is one thing I have been able to focus on… the piano. If I sit down at the piano all of the stress and built up tension and hyperactivity seem to be released with each note I play. I don’t know why, but this really helps to bring me back my focusing ability. I am also an incredible helper. I feel a purpose when given the opportunity to help others.

6. I seem to do alright on assignments (with enough clarification) but really struggle on tests. I look at the test and I know the answer to every question, but my answers never seem to be listed as options. In math I can figure out the answers but I am not sure how to show on paper how I came to the conclusion. I feel rushed, I can’t focus, I can’t concentrate, and I usually bomb. Extra time for tests, calculators, open notes, and open books are helpful during tests.

7. I am very disorganized. This is something I am working on. It helps to leave my text books in each classroom so I do not lose or forget them.

8. Just because I am not looking at you does not mean I am not listening. At times I can be a great multi-tasker. I find it easier to focus while doing something that releaves my hyperactivity such as doodling, tapping my pencil, bouncing my leg, writing lists, taking notes, etc.

[maggiemae1]

Thank you for all of the great responses. This forum is a blessing, and I appreciate the insights from people who are living with ADD/ADHD or have a family member with ADD/ADHD.

Our son is involved in baseball, and that has been a great outlet for him. I love the idea of getting involved from a volunteer perspective. Great idea to develop connections.

The point about delayed maturity is definitely something that we are dealing with... this is particularly painful in the household as we also have a 16 and 11 year old, and they get extremely frustrated by my son.

I think the change in routine (shifting from elementary (1 primary teacher) to middle school (8 teachers)) paired with natural hormones at this age has amplified our issues.

As for getting him re-evaluated and potentially consider newer drug therapies, I think we are definitely at a point where this is necessary. I am looking at options now. I have also set up a meeting with his school counselor to review his class schedule and try to set-up a process that will allow us to help him manage his class load.

Again, thank your insights. I will definitely dig into the Dizfriz and Russell Barkley info. I am a book junkie and given my disorganization, would be appreciative of any book recommendations.

Thanks.

[Cranski]

Originally Posted by maggiemae1

Thank you for all of the great responses. This forum is a blessing, and I appreciate the insights from people who are living with ADD/ADHD or have a family member with ADD/ADHD.

Our son is involved in baseball, and that has been a great outlet for him. I love the idea of getting involved from a volunteer perspective. Great idea to develop connections.

The point about delayed maturity is definitely something that we are dealing with... this is particularly painful in the household as we also have a 16 and 11 year old, and they get extremely frustrated by my son.

I think the change in routine (shifting from elementary (1 primary teacher) to middle school (8 teachers)) paired with natural hormones at this age has amplified our issues.

As for getting him re-evaluated and potentially consider newer drug therapies, I think we are definitely at a point where this is necessary. I am looking at options now. I have also set up a meeting with his school counselor to review his class schedule and try to set-up a process that will allow us to help him manage his class load.

Again, thank your insights. I will definitely dig into the Dizfriz and Russell Barkley info. I am a book junkie and given my disorganization, would be appreciative of any book recommendations.

Thanks.

A little late but hopefully good personal insight.

It was never easy when I was younger. ADHD makes everything different. Activities weren't helpful always, I went through clubs like a wildfire. Even so far as the chess club, till I beat everyone then left never to return. An instrument and stuck in band, forget it without meds. Some ADHD people conquer and abandon, seeking new stimulation. Sports are great, if nothing else something like flag football so he can run back and forth till he is too tired. Keeping them in sports will take work from you, we like nothing more then praise.

School is a whole other ball field. Asking someone with ADHD to maintain focus even during boring periods is tortures. Eventually I went to class less and less. Passing a test was as easy as brushing my teeth. Doing homework given earlier was like pulling teeth. We need lots of new stimulation to maintain interest. If I could of had exciting teachers, awesome technology, and advanced studies I might have stayed longer in my youth. Don't worry though, unless there are signs that he may have an inability to learn, most of the things you said are normal. I went back to college later in life even without ever taking meds, on my own terms with my own interests, carrying a 4.0 and honors all the way.

Eventually your youth will leave the nest and probably get in all sorts of trouble. ADHD carries a natural urge to resist authority. Drug use for escapism, fitting in, and personal experimentation often occurs. Friends attract to ADHDers and disappear frequently. Eventually even most start turning more nocturnal just because its easier to fit in with the night crowd. Just wait till girls become his main interest...

As a parent, be a friend. Give him all the useful information you can, like planting little seeds, without being forceful. Talk with him and not at him. Let him know its okay to talk to you, and never be judgmental, or show negativity. Since he is at the age and his biological system is changing maybe now would be a good time to consider a big brother program or personal mentor. Or check if ROTC is available, since structure seems to help ADHDers best. Also on free weekends consider co-volunteering where you could take him with you and do something together like at the food shelter or collecting goods, as long as it is safe; although accomplishments are rarely more then temporarily satisfying to most of us. Idle hands can be his own worst enemy, if you can keep him out of trouble till 20-22, you have done more than anyone could hope for. At least 1-2 more years then you can help him find a job depending on where you live. Get in as much as you can with him while he is still young either way, you will miss these days eventually.