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Old 12-04-17, 07:33 PM
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How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

I've noticed that fuzzling is quite timid when we are around other babies or young children. Eg when other babies take the toys that she's holding from her she looks upset and helpless. She never takes toys from other babies which is odd at this age, I think. In the nursery they said she gets upset when any of the other babies get too close to her.

She's also quite a bit smaller than other babies her age so that doesn't help.

Anyway I always wanted to teach fuzzling to be good but being good also involves being good to yourself. Now I'm confused though how to send the right message. By default I seem to teach her the path of least resistance
..mostly In the name of politeness. Eg when she's trying to take a baby's toy then I tell her no, pull her away if required snd distract her. More often when another baby grabs what fuzzling is holding I ask her to share .

Isn't that sending the wrong message? That she always has to give in and give up what is hers?

Sorry my eyes are closing. Not sure I'm expressing myself. Above is just an example but I'm too sleepy to explain
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Old 12-05-17, 05:30 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

How old is she again>?
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Old 12-05-17, 05:33 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

Almost 1.5 years

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Old 12-05-17, 07:26 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

I think its about that time that babies are just learning the space they physically take up in the outside world, their sense of self is barely developed and they dont understand that what they do (cause)will do to someone else(effect). I forget when that starts to be more of a thing but the socialization with other babies is good for her.
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Old 12-07-17, 08:04 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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I think its about that time that babies are just learning the space they physically take up in the outside world, their sense of self is barely developed and they dont understand that what they do (cause)will do to someone else(effect). I forget when that starts to be more of a thing but the socialization with other babies is good for her.
Yes I agree. I do think though that what is done to her or around her could affect her in some way. I don't resent other toddlers for grabbing her toys or food or pushing her out of the way (because that's just what toddlers
do. They don't mean anything bad) but I think these might be important learning opportunities for her that can influence how she views herself and her place in this world.

What I'm really trying to determine here is how I should react. I need to give her a consistent message but right now I think the message I'm giving her is to always choose the path of least resistance...and to put herself last. If another toddler wants the toy she's playing with I asked to share but if she wants somebody else's toy I tell her to not grab it and met the other toddler finish playing with it

Mostly I don't interfere but the same thing happened today again at a friend's house. My friends baby kept taking from her each and every toy she played with and though she visibly didn't want to give up every toy she sort of just accepted it. My friend was pretty good and tried telling her son to not do that but I think she needs to hear it from me as well. She needs to know that it's ok to not always want to give up what's hers. And out of politeness I worry that I'm not sending her that message.
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Old 12-05-17, 08:51 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

I had both extremes. My son was a toy taker, EVERYTHING was HIS! As he grew up he is actually my people pleaser. Anything you need or want he will try and do for you, even to his own detriment sometimes. He is also very competitive in sports.

My daughter was a very reserved baby, she barely cried, it was actually very odd. Even when her diaper was near bursting she would sit there and entertain herself and not give any sign she was uncomfortable. She was my people watcher. She was very capable of keeping herself busy and the adults around her were pretty much just there to reach the high things, she was and is beyond self sufficient. She is now 8 and just last night she woke me up at 4am because she was making herself a hot-pocket and couldn't get the container open. After I opened it she went on her way and I didn't hear from her again. We go to a lot of baseball games and she goes to the concession stand by herself. If she can't reach the napkins she asks someone to help her. She is not clingy, she is actually very observant and wise for her years. I often say she is a 25 year old trapped in an 8 year olds body.

I say all this to say that your baby watching rather than taking is not a bad thing. It sounds to me like she is people watching like my daughter, and absorbing the information.
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Old 12-07-17, 08:08 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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I had both extremes. My son was a toy taker, EVERYTHING was HIS! As he grew up he is actually my people pleaser. Anything you need or want he will try and do for you, even to his own detriment sometimes. He is also very competitive in sports.

My daughter was a very reserved baby, she barely cried, it was actually very odd. Even when her diaper was near bursting she would sit there and entertain herself and not give any sign she was uncomfortable. She was my people watcher. She was very capable of keeping herself busy and the adults around her were pretty much just there to reach the high things, she was and is beyond self sufficient. She is now 8 and just last night she woke me up at 4am because she was making herself a hot-pocket and couldn't get the container open. After I opened it she went on her way and I didn't hear from her again. We go to a lot of baseball games and she goes to the concession stand by herself. If she can't reach the napkins she asks someone to help her. She is not clingy, she is actually very observant and wise for her years. I often say she is a 25 year old trapped in an 8 year olds body.

I say all this to say that your baby watching rather than taking is not a bad thing. It sounds to me like she is people watching like my daughter, and absorbing the information.
Yes she watches and observes and that's fine. But as I said above she's also bring a push over...for want of a better word.

I was fairly shy and timid as a child...especially with other children and I still am a pushover, scared of confrontation and struggle to say no.

Just today I read that shy amd timid toddlers often struggle to make friends later and are at higher risk of being victimised by other kids.
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Old 12-07-17, 08:22 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

I guess I might need to model more assertive behaviour...
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Old 12-07-17, 09:15 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

Fuzzy12

I love this thread.



M
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Old 12-08-17, 01:30 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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I guess I might need to model more assertive behaviour...
politeness, though, is something you value; I was much the same as Fuzzling;

My mom could be incredibly blunt and abrasive when annoyed by someome and this used to baffle and surprise me. Actually it did all of my life, because I have my dad's quieter nature.

A bit more assertive perhaps, and that could help you as well
But don't feel you need to change your personality.

If I could give you any advice, when she is older and tells you about some issue, don't get upset yourself. ( because of course she would feel bad that i was upset - and then " be angry at my place"). Then she would also dismiss the problem bluntly. " well they don't know anything, you're such a nice, sweet girl, just ignore them!!!"
listen and give lots of love and reassurance.

All of this to say: your personality/characteristics may perhaps not influence her as that is just already, her own peronality.
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Old 12-08-17, 08:43 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

Personally I think you are over thinking this. The kid isn't even 18 months old yet, she is observing. If and when she gets ticked off enough to not allow her toy to be taken away then SHE will fight for it. I don't think she is watching you and modeling her behavior after you. I don't know a person alive who always did what their parents told them to do.

You should be YOU, not what you think your baby wants you to be. If the worst case scenario here is that you raise a healthy, empathetic person, who doesn't like conflict...I still say that is a win.
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Old 12-08-17, 08:51 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

It's possible that I'm overthinking this but I'd rather err on the side of overthinking than underthinking. A lot of crucial development takes place in the first two years. Even if that's just how she is if I can do anything to make her more assertive it's worth a shot.

Like Stef said I'm sure love and reassurance are key but reassurance can be given in different ways. I want fuzzling to know I've got her back. That she's safe with me while also allowing her to learn how to deal with conflict (and not ******* off other people by charging in like A mama bear) If she takes a toy from someone else or hits someone And I say nothing that is reassurance that her behaviour is ok when it isn't.

Eg what would you in this situation: fuzzling and a my friends baby are playing with blocks. Friend's baby decides that all blocks need to go into a box including the one that fuzzling is playing with. Fuzzling takes another block toolay with and fbaby takes it off her again and puts it in the box. Fuzzling then starts eating a baby cracker and fbaby decides the cracker too needs to go into the box and tries to pry it out of first fuzzling's hand and then her mouth. The other baby is much stronger and succeeds.My friend tells her baby to leave fuzzling alone once but then leaves it at thst. So now what do I do? What would you do?
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Old 12-12-17, 10:17 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
It's possible that I'm overthinking this but I'd rather err on the side of overthinking than underthinking. A lot of crucial development takes place in the first two years. Even if that's just how she is if I can do anything to make her more assertive it's worth a shot.

Like Stef said I'm sure love and reassurance are key but reassurance can be given in different ways. I want fuzzling to know I've got her back. That she's safe with me while also allowing her to learn how to deal with conflict (and not ******* off other people by charging in like A mama bear) If she takes a toy from someone else or hits someone And I say nothing that is reassurance that her behaviour is ok when it isn't.

Eg what would you in this situation: fuzzling and a my friends baby are playing with blocks. Friend's baby decides that all blocks need to go into a box including the one that fuzzling is playing with. Fuzzling takes another block toolay with and fbaby takes it off her again and puts it in the box. Fuzzling then starts eating a baby cracker and fbaby decides the cracker too needs to go into the box and tries to pry it out of first fuzzling's hand and then her mouth. The other baby is much stronger and succeeds.My friend tells her baby to leave fuzzling alone once but then leaves it at thst. So now what do I do? What would you do?
I wouldn't expect a 1.5 year old to understand the phrase "leave her alone". One of the largest struggles in life is to parent or not parent someone elses child. I'm of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a kid and that means I WILL parent someone elses child. If they don't like it, they don't need to hang out with us. Conversely, if my 8 year old is at their house doing something wrong I expect them to parent my child and scold them, put them in a time out, or send them home and call me if it's bad.

For that particular scenario I would let the other mother attempt to parent their child, and when all they did was say leave the other kid alone, I would intervene. I would tell the other kid it's not okay to move Fuzzlings blocks or take her cracker. I would offer the other kid a cracker, if they still tried to take fuzzlings cracker I would physically separate them...this could be with a pillow or other barrier so they were each playing separately until the other child got over their obsession with putting their own things in the box. I'd bring them back together later to see how it went, and would separate them again if need be.

Learning how to REMOVE yourself from a bad situation is also an effective way to deal with conflict. MORE people need to deploy that defense in my opinion.
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Old 12-25-17, 09:44 PM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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Originally Posted by Caco3girl View Post
I wouldn't expect a 1.5 year old to understand the phrase "leave her alone". One of the largest struggles in life is to parent or not parent someone elses child. I'm of the opinion that it takes a village to raise a kid and that means I WILL parent someone elses child. If they don't like it, they don't need to hang out with us. Conversely, if my 8 year old is at their house doing something wrong I expect them to parent my child and scold them, put them in a time out, or send them home and call me if it's bad.

For that particular scenario I would let the other mother attempt to parent their child, and when all they did was say leave the other kid alone, I would intervene. I would tell the other kid it's not okay to move Fuzzlings blocks or take her cracker. I would offer the other kid a cracker, if they still tried to take fuzzlings cracker I would physically separate them...this could be with a pillow or other barrier so they were each playing separately until the other child got over their obsession with putting their own things in the box. I'd bring them back together later to see how it went, and would separate them again if need be.

Learning how to REMOVE yourself from a bad situation is also an effective way to deal with conflict. MORE people need to deploy that defense in my opinion.
Thanks caco. These are great ideas.

I'm really struggling with dealing with other kids...or rather my own need to be liked and appear "nice" mainly to their parents' or my friends and acquaintances or sometimes total strangers.

I'm reading a book called "it's ok not to share..." Which issllsbout allowing kids uninterrupted free play and allowing them to learn how to voice their needs and resolve conflicts (eg " I'm not done yet with this toy. I will bring it to you when I'm done"). It makes a lot of sense but she says parents absolutely should intervene and stand up for their child.

I tried this but it didn't go so well. I told the kid he didn't have to share and didn't allowfuzzling to take away his toy but later or kept trying to take everything fuzzkibg was playing with. He would grab her toy and then point and laugh at her. I tried to return the toys to fuzzling's DTI nicely ask him to wait till fuzzling is done but he just ignored me. He was just two though so husr talking to him nicelymight not help. I don't want to physically remove another child or prise a toy out of their hand.i felt pretty embarrassed anyway. I tried to explain to his parents what I'm going and why but I couldn't get a coherent sentence out and they weren't really interested anyway
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Old 01-02-18, 09:47 AM
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Re: How to raise a confident human? Rules of the playground

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Originally Posted by Fuzzy12 View Post
Thanks caco. These are great ideas.

I'm really struggling with dealing with other kids...or rather my own need to be liked and appear "nice" mainly to their parents' or my friends and acquaintances or sometimes total strangers.

I'm reading a book called "it's ok not to share..." Which issllsbout allowing kids uninterrupted free play and allowing them to learn how to voice their needs and resolve conflicts (eg " I'm not done yet with this toy. I will bring it to you when I'm done"). It makes a lot of sense but she says parents absolutely should intervene and stand up for their child.

I tried this but it didn't go so well. I told the kid he didn't have to share and didn't allowfuzzling to take away his toy but later or kept trying to take everything fuzzkibg was playing with. He would grab her toy and then point and laugh at her. I tried to return the toys to fuzzling's DTI nicely ask him to wait till fuzzling is done but he just ignored me. He was just two though so husr talking to him nicelymight not help. I don't want to physically remove another child or prise a toy out of their hand.i felt pretty embarrassed anyway. I tried to explain to his parents what I'm going and why but I couldn't get a coherent sentence out and they weren't really interested anyway
Fuzzy, not all people/parents/kids need to be hung out with. I have a 15 year old and an 8 year old and on more than one occasion over the years I have said "You aren't allowed to hang out with XXX anymore". Some of the reasons have been:
1. His parents allow cursing, I don't want you around that.
2. His parents allow roaming the streets half the night, not okay for you.
3. She doesn't respect adults, if she talked to me that way she talks to her parents that way and that's not a personality I want you around.
4. They skip school, that's not the people you need to be with.
5. You just met that girl and she is FULL of drama, it's not YOUR job to fix her, you have enough teenage drama of your own, she will drag you down.

Those are some of the highlights, and some of them may seem harsh to others, but bottom line, the people whom my kids hang around are the people they will try to be like. If I can spot a person that doesn't bring anything good into their lives, and drastically sucks resources and energy from them I try to put a stop to it. Other people should enrich your life, not be a drain on you. That's a good lesson for adults and children.
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