need to say how I feel

[tudorose]

I’m so stressed that I feel like crying all the time. I feel a sense of hopelessness and that I’m completely on my own and been hung out to dry. I’m doing the best I can. I just can’t cope with the stress. I feel that the anxiety is like a noose around my neck, slowly suffocating me. I hate feeling like I can’t take any more. I hate feeling like I don’t want to be here any more. I hate these feelings of despair and hopelessness that I have to fight every day, but nobody sees it coz I hide it so well. I hate that I feel like I’m on my own and that I have no one that I can really trust and talk to about how I feel. I hate feeling scared. I hate feeling angry. I hate feeling like I’m not allowed to be angry. I hate feeling like I’m not allowed to be sad. I’ve had enough of being me. I can’t see my way clear. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel but I can never reach it coz I’m stuck in this great big hole. I feel like I’m sinking but no one else can see it. I feel like I’m so easy to ignore.

I love coming here coz this is such a distraction from my own life.

[E-boy]

Wow, you sound a lot like me... I am sort of in limbo right now. Halfway through the woods as it were. People find me difficult, and make all sorts of assumptions about me... Screw'em. Took a long time, but I finally like myself at least some of the time. I'll bet you do too when you aren't paying too much attention to a world that we aren't wired for, can't bend for and are hard pressed to find niches in.

Just know this. The niches are there. We have intrinsic value as much as anyone else does, and our "unique" processes, challenges, talents, and points of view can make us hot properties indeed if seen in the correct light. Our task is to find the niches and the happiness and define success for ourselves, not by standards created by and for people who do not even think the same way. This isn't to say we can't achieve success by their standards, only to say that to seek it out actively is like trying to be trying to be a bird when you are a fish. Especially when there is nothing terribly wrong with being a fish in the first place.

Did that make any sense? Seemed a little peppy for the mood I am in. Lots of brick walls around here and my head is getting sore from hitting them.

[pembroke]

Although we are invisible, we are here for you.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Allow yourself to feel sad.

It is necessary.

This, too, will pass, because no human condition is ever permanent.

Hang in there.....

[SubtleMuttle]

I understand, especially hating what you feel and hating being told not to feel that way; and feeling like you're easy to ignore. I feel invisible to people around me, like a ghost sometimes.

As a close friend of mine says when she sees others being told that they shouldn't feel or be the way the do and are, "Things happen, and this stuff just squirts outta people!" I know her way of expressing this sounds gross, but I agree with what she says. She compares these feelings and reactions that we experience to something like an involuntary reflex. Do you know what is making this 'squirt'?

You're doing the best you can, I wish I had something comforting to say. It sounds to me like you can't help feeling how you feel, do you think it would help if you just went with these feelings instead of hating them? -Not that I know my own by bum from a hole in the ground... Hope things get better soon!

[waywardclam]

I know exactly how you feel.

[Wheezie]

sounds like you are in quite the funk. i've been there myself. if you are in crisis, please, call someone "live." (as opposed to "cyber" not as opposed to "dead")

maybe you need to try to trust someone with all this. seems like a pretty heavy load for one person.

take care of you. you are loved.

[Christiana]

I know how you feel too.

I understand, especially hating what you feel and hating being told not to feel that way; and feeling like you're easy to ignore.

I agree that it's ok to feel sad. it's ok to be in a funk. it just sucks that it has to affect everything the way it does!! I'm going through a funk right now too but it's a little different (lack of motivation).

I think you should try talking to someone live too - it can help in a way that we can't. but definately keep talking to us!! i think that this forum can help in a way that a 'live' person can't!

I hope you begin to feel at least a little rosey again soon! (pun intended)

[FlakeyGirl]

I think that keeping up appearance drains an enormous amount of energy from you. Just letting it fly every so often is a temporary fix, but can do so much to ease that burden.

We love seeing you here, too, tudorose, but this place is no substitute for professional support.

[biker]

Just sending you words of support. Others ahead of me have given you great advice. Know we all have had times like this. Hang in there! You are appreciated here. Remember a lot of times the key to moving forward is just hanging on. Take small steps. Give yourself a chance to take a break. Take care!!
Jim

[joanrdtobe]

Tudorose: It's another day now....hope you woke up this morning feeling a bit better....I too like what the others have said...and also was wondering how is the emotional support in your life there? Friends, family, etc.....people to talk to....

[Nucking_Futs]

After having my baby (my last ) I started feeling different; couldn't explain it. I felt like I was drowning and afraid. I kept having these urges to run but were? I had no clue, from what? no clue there either.

The pressure of pretending that everything was OK that I wasn't slowly losing my mind just kept building and building until I couldn't sleep or eat, I didn't want to do anything and I would cry every morning when I realized I once again I woke up with a pulse.

I tried talking to my family; but, we don't discuss mental issue's here that's just not right. I tried writing a journal so maybe I could figure it out by reading and re reading my thought's over and over (not a pretty picture).

What saved me was alot of ppl read my journal *blushes* and even though I ripped them all a new one (which i'm still apologizing for--gonna be havin crow for the rest of my life). They had been there, felt this way. They didn't push my feelings aside or tell me I was fine. Cause Lord knows there was nothing "fine" going on in my head towards myself at that time. But, they didn't see my smile and hear my jokes and assume all was well. They heard ME, they saw ME, they felt ME and probably saved ME.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up, your not alone and we are ALL here for YOU.

[tudorose]

I really do appreciate how supportive everyone is here. I gave a copy of what I write to my counsellor yesterday (It was my 3rd session and I wasn't sure if we'd be working through a program). She taught me how to do proper breathing and I have to practice it for 10 minutes, twice a day.

I can't talk to hubby about it though. He can't handle it so ends up looking like he only wants to be there for me if I'm Ok which is really hard to take. I had to pick him up from work yesterday which was really stressful for me, and I listened all the way home to how his day was but he was not interested in how things went for me. If I even mention anything about how an appointment went or something, he acts like he doesn't want to know. I think that's why I feel so alone sometimes. I feel like I have to pretend to be OK to be loved.

I'm trying to shake out of it but I just can't. I've just had enough.