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Women with ADD/ADHD This forum is for women to discuss issues related to being a woman with AD/HD.

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  #1  
Old 03-10-04, 07:14 PM
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My "Monster" and ADD

My fiance and I have had several really rough spots. He is ADHD and I'm ADD and have been together for a bit over a year now (long distance relationship but we see each other every weekend).

Sometimes I have just wanted to pack it in. He can be a real pressure cooker when he gets frustrated. We have huge highs and lows, but the greater part would be more highs.

He is very loving and tells me every day how much he loves me and finds me beautiful. He is trustworthy and pratical and generous. Every morning he calls to make sure I'm up to get to work on time and sends me emails every day. Every night he calls to visit and tell me "sweet dreams". He has never been verbally abusive. He is eternally suportive and kind.

His anger or frustration is just as powerful as his better side. He is a very large, strong man and can be quite intimidating when he is upset. He would never hurt an ant but his intensity is overpowering. Sometimes I am like a deer in headlights. Never saw it coming and have no idea why he is red faced and soooo unbelievebly animated. We have these "talks" that can go on for hours. Horribly exhausting. I want to be like a snail and retreat into myself. But perhaps it has been good, too. I am forced to deal with relationship issues instead of vanishing to my internal nirvana. (I also can't stand loud noises or confrontations.)

He had an ephinany a few weeks ago. Said he had never realized before what it must be like for someone on the other end. It is like Monsters, Inc. the movie. When the huge blue monster was scaring and the little girl (unknowingly) and how it frightened the poo out of her.

This past weekend he got upset and that monster came out. He was really worked up. For the first time, instead of being a bystander ....I did something different. I didn't retreat to my happy place and try to ignore him.

I went to him and gave him a hug, kissed him on the cheek. I told him I loved him and asked him if it was really so bad. I poked him a few times and sat on him. He grumped for another good minute or two ...I guess to make sure he was being manly and stuff. Then he grinned.

Does anyone else have a sweet monster? What do you do?
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Old 03-18-04, 04:30 PM
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Recommend (strongly) that he check out anger management class. And I'm not trying to be flip.
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Old 03-24-04, 08:40 PM
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He is a power lifter and has a very high level of testestorone, which probably doesn't help his ADHD. He gets frustrated and is animated but not a mean person. It just manifests (his occasional frustration) in a passionate form of expression. For whatever reason he doesn't care for meds but is taking Wort, which doesn't help the focus thing, but does have a calming effect. I'll pass your suggestion on to him and thanks for giving some input. It is really good to hear some type of outside interpretation.
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Old 03-25-04, 06:52 PM
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I can identify. People always think my guy is much larger than he really is. I guess he just has a big presence, he fills the room. He has a big voice that carrys too. He would never hurt anyone. Kids who were getting picked on would always go to him in the school yard and he would either work something out (he has a shady side, too) or if that didn't work give the bully a fat lip. He's always had a real sense of street justice and that is one of the things I love best about him. Now he's the guy who beats up the guys who beat up their wives and kids.

I'v found that for every major personality trait, good or bad, there's usually another side of the coin. I'll bet your fiance is good at making you feel safe and protected from others. Just a guess.
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Old 03-26-04, 10:21 AM
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You bet! I've never actually seen him be physically agressive (unless it was at the gym). But I know it would be bad news if he let lose.

We both think that a lot of the drama that comes along with his anger/frustration at times is more related to internal ADHD stuff that builds up and then blows. It usually doesn't last for very long at all.

The long "discussions" that sometimes have, I feel is more of our ADD/ADHD muddling and clouding things. Then we each get frustrated at one another and it goes back and forth and escelates. We're working on that, tough. And making really good progress.
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Old 04-24-04, 03:46 PM
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Beep,

Don't get in a hurry to get married. Work and think through as much of this as possible before you say "I do" as change is more likely to take place before than after.

My husband has a way of going on and on at scolding me over issues that are rooted in ADD. It does get old and the angry scolding never really changes anything that I can tell. I try to tell him that it's like scolding me for having blue eyes instead of brown.

I agree with MRB--he needs to get into anger management. And see that it happens BEFORE you get married.
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